I’m Ibeing childish and making things odd for my kids.

[Numbnumb]

Seperated only couple months.he has someone else. Can’t complain about him since separation.Only communicating by text, polite and matter of fact. Had to meet him (detail removed by Moderator) so he could take kids for an hour or 2. I won’t look at him , I talk flatly one word answers , turn my back and walk away first opportunity. Kids and him must think I’m behaving crazy , I just cant Help it. I hope I can be me again , even with him , as he has to be in our lives forever.

[KIP.]

Any contact with these men is toxic to us. Can you arrange for all contact and hand overs to be done through a third party. You’re still extremely vulnerable to him. He may have to be in the kids lives but definitely not in yours.

[KIP.]

He won’t always be polite and matter of fact so start setting boundaries to get him out your life while he’s distracted with his new victim.

[KIP.]

It’s not childish to protect yourself from an abuser. Contact your local women’s aid for support.

[Numbnumb]

Yes that kind of started happening through his sister but I became very off to her too ,craving privacy. She had supported me during abuse .I feel she has seen too much of me in really awful states.Im withdrawing from them big time. I kind of feel I want to divorce him and his family. It’s ME being unreasonable this time.

[Walkingonsunshine]

I am exactly the same with mine, can’t look at him when I’m speaking to him, he’s very chatty and I’m cold and one worded with my response. I don’t see it as being unreasonable, I put it down to a coping mechanism, but I also found if I were more polite and chatty he took that to mean I’d changed my mind and we were getting back together.

Don’t Be too hard on yourself, and listen to your own body and how it needs to behave. I’m sure in time you will feel more like yourself and more confident with him, as long as you can give the children good quality time when you’re on your own they will see that it’s not you acting ‘crazy’, but the effect he has on you.

[KIP.]

It sounds like trauma. Have you spoken to your GP about the abuse? Have you had any counselling? My own son triggered my PTSD. His sister may be bringing back memories of abuse. It does get easier with time and zero contact. Have you thought about a contact centre for hand overs? Do you have a contact agreement in place?

[Numbnumb]

Wow such amazingly reassuring replies.thankyou. No nothing formal in place. I just get a text asking if OK to see them. I’ll try to think of some one more nuetral maybe, to be a ‘go between’ I have no family. His family were my family. Its a coping mechanism I’m sure like you said. Thank you.

[Camel]

Hello Numbnumb

I think it will really help you feel more in control if you had formal contact in place. It must be very hard having to drop everything when it suits him. And extra stressful not knowing when he’s going to text.

It’s good that he’s keeping in contact with his kids but at the moment he’s still in control. You don’t have to agree to his choice of drop off point. A formal arrangement will put you back in control.

You say he has to be in your lives forever but that’s not strictly true. He has to be in his kids lives forever. You’re really not obligated to chit chat with him, ever again, if you don’t want to.

It’s OK to want to isolate yourself too. It would be good in the long run if the kids had a good relationship with their grandparents. But you don’t have to be a part of it. You really are divorcing his family when you divorce him.

[Tracker]

My partner left around (removed by moderator) ago to go off with someone hed been talking to for (removed by moderator) prior. Hes only come round once on my sons birthday and it were horrible as he were trying to chat to me and give me a cuddle, he begged me to meet him the next day to talk only for him to cancel.
I cant see him I need zero contact cos I just go back to square one and cant get over him. Also like you his family were like my family yet they all lied to his new gf saying he been single for years leaving me feeling betrayed and disregarded.
My daughter had a go at me saying why didnt you say hello (removed by moderator) when we bumped into him the other day, so I understand it’s hard being normal in front of the kids.
I agree it’s better to have someone else do the handover if possible as we dont need to see them anymore and that is the way I would like to go forward but he has a key still and will probably just walk in when he likes

[KIP.]

Tracker please change the locks. Set boundaries now x get rid of him while he’s distracted.

[Tracker]

I dont have money to change the locks as hes left me with debts to pay unfortunately
Hopefully he wont come back ir this time I will be strong enough to do whatever it takes to keep him away

[Lisa]

Hi Tracker,

Just wanted to make you aware, you have every right to go to the police and let them know he still has a key and this is creating distress for you and your family. At least log this in with them case his behaviour changes/escalates when you refuse to let him in.
Do speak to your local domestic abuse service about this. Also mention you do not have the finances for a new lock and see if they can link you with any local Sanctuary Scheme run usually by your local council. This service provides possible safety measures that can be installed (for very low cost or free) in one’s home if they are feeling vulnerable/unsafe there. It is worth asking about.
Also, it sounds like his abuse has created debt for you. The DAME (Domestic Abuse, Money & Education) Project 01323 635 987 or dame-referrals@moneyadviceplus.com can give you advice and possibly support regarding the financial abuse from your perpetrator.
The National Debt Line gives information and advice on debt; including bank, credit card, finance, mortgage arrears, council tax, hire purchase and utility debts. Issues dealt with include county court, refusal of credit, bank charges, harassment, housing and homelessness and bailiffs. The National Debt line is able to signpost callers, make referrals and can be contacted on 0808 808 4000, 9am – 9pm Mon – Fri, and 9.30am – 1pm Sat, http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/.
I hope this is helpful,

Lisa

[Tracker]

Hi Lisa

Thank you for the advice. I didnt know I could call the police about it, i thought it just be time wasting and they would see it as a petty dispute.
If he comes and doesn’t leave I will contact them it’s just I dont like creating scenes in front of my kids and the neighbours as he shouts very loud.
I live in private rented property and my landlady is very fussy and I would need her permission to change the locks and she not long paid to fix the lock as it broke so i dont want to annoy her as i cant afford to move home and really dont want to right now. Which is why I would prefer to just have my key returned but hed never do that. I used to beg for it when he were on drugs and stealing mine and my kids possessions, I should have told the police then and I did once but they did nothing cos by the time they came round i got scared and passed it off as a misunderstanding.
Hopefully he will do the right thing and stay away and arrange contact through phoning my son and meeting them somewhere else but I know he will want to come in so he can get me on my own and play mind games with me

[Author]

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