Tagged: never felt so fucked up
8th May 2016 at 9:44 pm #16745louiseParticipant
so its been 10months since i left my abusive husband. 10months since i was put in hospital. 10months since my family and friends found out my dark secret that i was/am a victim of domestic violence. 10 months since everyone found out my (detail removed by moderator) month marriage was a mess. 10 months since i dont know who i am. 10months since i cant look at my kids without seeing him. 10 months since people started avoiding me.
So i met my ex (detail removed by moderator) years ago i fell pregnant quickly you could say we got stuck together very quickly had our second son. Things were never great but wernt violent he cheated on me plenty of times. i wasnt allowed a job my job was too look after the kids and cook and clean i hated being a stay at home mum. we had a 6month split He proposed we had a big white wedding. our honeymoon was horrendous on our last night away he found out i had slept with a friend while we were apart for 6months thats when it began.
He lost the plot battered me infront of our innocent children. he beat me daily, every night, mulitple times a night then would proceed to have sex with me tell me i broke his heart but he loves me. Then he would hurt me again. This was like this for over 6 months. garrenteed everyday
one time he pinned me down by my hair pulling my ear which cut all behind my earlobe, he thought he had cut himself due to the amount of blood and punished me untill he realised it was me so thats fine because it was me bleeding again. BUT he was so sorry for hurting me.
one occasion we had a family meal for my birthday … everyone had left the pub he was in his mood so i decided to leave as i refused cry in public. he followed me down the street proceding to punch me in the face kick me, a lady driving by pulled over to ask if i was okay which he attacked her car. next the police came so he made me hide with me. happy birthday to me!
He would wake me up battering me, i became depressed lonely sad i took my mood out on friends which i eventualy lost. i lost my mind. i couldnt cope with the kids.
This man battered the mother of his child infront of them god knows how many times. what father does that? what mother allows this?
After the first 6 months of marriage he slowed down with the abuse we were trying to be happy again he promised he would stop hurting me. The fights went to weekly every few weeks and i could cope with this i wanted my family. Plus like he said who would want a single damaged mother of two? so now the fights have slowed down they are just more violent. Each fight would be worse than the last. I remember telling him he would seriously hurt me one day.
The england wales rugby was on. boys at their nans. our last night. he was telling friends in the pub infront of me how fat and ugly i am. how he wanted to f**k other girls. he shouted at me in the takeaway for not wanting food. so i left for home. hours later he woke me up smashing our home up. i went down stairs to see whats wrong which he turned on me. i was left covered in blood, eyes i couldnt open they were so bruised. ear drums burst. cuts from the pile of glass he beat me in. i had sneek out call my mum at 3am to get me who rang the police.
he got a £400 fine and tag suspended service. how is it fair? ive lost my family ive had to move house to try stop my nightmares. i cant look at my children without seeing his face. ive lost the weight. ive had mindless sex. i go out. ive got a decent office job. i cant cope anymore i dont want to be here anymore im only here because i cant let my children hurt anymore
he takes his new girlfriend away on breaks holidays he does all the things he wouldnt do with me? why wasnt i enough? i gave him everything. maybe it was because i went with my friend that one time. maybe its my fault for hurting him. hes got a new life with her and im stuck in this hell hole …. but im ment to be okay now??? im ment to feel safe, happy and normal but ive never felt so f***** up.
8th May 2016 at 10:14 pm #16747SerenityParticipant
Such dreadful abuse will take time to get over. I so teo years out and I still have awful days- and I didn’t suffer the physical abuse you did.
Are you receiving support? Have you contacted your local DV outreach services? Women’s Aid can direct you. I think attending DV counselling and a support group might be of help to you. To suffer such appalling abuse and to deal with it alone is too difficult.
Please believe me, he is using your fling with the friend as an excuse, or he is completely overreacting in a massively unhealthy way. You being with someone else during a break from him doesn’t entitle him to smash you around like he had. These are just excuses. He has a massive jealousy and anger problem. If it weren’t that situation, he would find another.
It is not your fault. No one deserves to be a used like you were. He is a very sick man. Don’t listen to him when he says it’s your fault- they all blame their victims.
He will be grooming this new victim, and probably doing it partly to hurt you too. The time will come when he begins to hurt her too.
I think counselling would help you to deal with the trauma. It is understandable that you see him when you look at the children, but believe me as you wok through the trauma, away from him, the bond with your kids will strengthen. No contact is so imperative.
Please do things to protect yourself and to receive the support and therapy needed. You deserve it, and your kids need their mum, as their dad is not worth anything. There is support out there. Please ask for it.
We are all here for you.
8th May 2016 at 10:20 pm #16748AyannaParticipant
Oh hun! Massive hugs! How can you be okay after all that? That is not possible.
You suffered so much.
Did you speak to your local Womens Aid? You need support.
What does your GP say? Did they line you up for counseling?
Do you have support with the kids?
My ex abuser also got away lightly. It did not prevent him from continuing to do something what he should never do. The laws are a scandal.
It makes us feel as if we are nothing and they get all the support.
I am glad you found us here.
Please post away.
Many of us have been through lots.
I was also beaten up badly on a very regular basis among other abuse. It was part of his way of communicating with me.
My friends are gone too.
In situations like this we can see the real character of people. Most people are selfish and judgmental.
Moving away helps. I too could not stay in the place where he abused me for several years.
Do not worry about the new girlfriend. At least he is distracted.
I have PTSD from what he has done to me.
Maybe you got PTSD too. It is almost impossible to move on without help when you have PTSD.
Please make sure you get in touch with your local WA. x*x
9th May 2016 at 12:02 am #16754SaharaDParticipant
Over 2years out and I’m still not ok so you are still in the early stages. Don’t be hard on yourself.
9th May 2016 at 12:41 am #16757Confused123Participant
Sending u massive hug, i dont know why we think we should recover so quickly, we dont it takes time, im 18 monthss out and still get my bad days, u r still at early days, please give your self time to heal. We all ask ourselves that question why were nt we good enough for them? why did they do that to us ? reality is we were too good for them and they werent good enough for us. We gave our heart and soul to them, never did we think they would behave like that. It is there shame not our shame, at the beginign we feel distraught and cant take it allin, i think in begining we r in so much shock and denial we dont even realize to the extent of what happenedd. It doens tmatter if u was with someone else whilst u split that doesnt give him the excuse to beat u up like that. I was like that when i was with my ex, Oh maybe if i hadnt done that i wouldnt of got beaten up so it must be my fault, i think only after i had left him and it was 7months down the line i thought if scenario was oppositer way around i would of never reacted the way he did, and thats what u need to think. They choose to abuse us, hardest bit for me was admitting that, he never beat no body else up no matter how mych they p****d him off yet he choose to beat me up. does this sound familair, so they do know what they are doing, maybe when they see us brusied they may have like 1% guilt and start saying didnt mean to hurt u, yet they still manage to throw in we provoked them …. Your not a bad mum for getting beaten up infront of your kids, his the bad one for beating u fullstop, doing it infront of kids is worser, we so busy trying to protect ourselves , but we would never want our kids to see that, u should be so p roud of yourself u got out this early, it took me two decades. Hope u r doing counselling, it helps u process your feelings, have u done a freedom course and read up on abuse, it really does throw u off , u have to really understand abuse to understand they are the evil one. It must hurt seeing him with another girl but if he couldnt respect u , his not worth it, my ex used to take p**s out of me , eye girls and flirt with them in front of me , what a insult, then have the cheek to say to family i was the love of his life, i just cant beleive i took all that c**p of him, but again like a lot of us, we did sign up of d v , d v realtionship are just another thing totally , till u have experienced u dont know how bad they are
9th May 2016 at 4:01 pm #16786AyannaParticipant
So well said, Confused123!!!
Louise, how are you today?
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