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Everything i done has been a waste of time because i cant divorce him. We married in the country of our family. To divorce me he can go the embassy with two witnesses. If i want to divorce he has to agree it. If he says no it will have to go to court there and can take a year or more. Because the marriage is recognised here i have to get a divorce if i ever wanna get married again.
All the time resisting hurting myself, keeping away from him…but i cant even get divorced. As long as we are still married his family will have a say over me can keep twlling me how ro dress and behave and all. Im never going to bw free. -
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That sounds awful I’m sorry for you 🙁 . Are there any institutions that could help u to get out and land on your feet? Start with getting phisical distance from him and his f amilly. U are not alone with it. Just look around. Don’t worry about divorce yet. That will come later. Step by step. Take care
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I got him away from.me wiv the non molestation order, but i felt like divorce is tbe fi al thing. When he raped me the (detail removed by Moderator) he said ” i cant rape u because u r my wife u r meant to provide for me” i wanted to be able to say im not. If i go to our country to see.family he can make me stay there.if im not divorced. Im thinking about just begging him or maybe asking his family. They are twlling me that the way that i lives brings shame o the family…because i work in a place where there are.more men and i dont cover up.
I want to cut the last tie. If i dont i cant move on. It so unfair what he did and said ita because im his wife. I hate those word. Even from.hia family. Your his wife so you have to behave how he expects. Your his wife so of coyrae he will be jealousy. Your his.wife so gou ahould want to look after. To me being a wife is being a slave. Thats what it was. No on e knowa how much i was his slave..an obje t to have his children and wait on him.
I dont want anything to connect him to me.sòmetimes he wud say he was so lucky to have a wife like me…you have the most beautiful eyes he wud say..then he wud grab me by the hair and slam me aginst the wall and put jis hands down my clothes. I was still a teenager. I cant get rid of the scars he left and i cant stop him being my kids dad now i cant evsn get divorce. How can i get a lawyer for there??
He lied and said he cudnt get a divorce because he cant get a lawyer here….not true. (detail removed by Moderator) None evn to cry on. -
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Do not believe a word he has ever told you. His voice is still in your head. Do not listen to anything his family have ever told you. It’s your life now. You’re safe and don’t need his permission for anything. Don’t contact him. He will twist things again. Play mind games. Speak to rights for women to get good legal advice. I have grounds for divorce for one incident of domestic violence so get some good legal advice. Find out the facts from a professional.
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Hi hun
u need to get legsal advice on this again, cause of abuse you can get a dviorce in this country without his permisson, as to diviorcing him in your country let them keep saying u r shaming them , u r not, take this to yoru advantage and say divorce me then if im such shame aand insult him , expose him for what he is , yes if u are on good terms maybe speak to the family and get them to encourage him to divorce u, expose him for what he does and talk of your digust of him, slowly but surely u will get there
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What about the embassy?
Can you get in contact with the ambassador of your country and ask him to help you with the divorce? A lawyer could do this on your behalf in your country of origin.Also, when time goes by he might actually want to divorce you.
What can his family do to you here? If they interfere with you, you can call the police any time. They have no right and no say over you here in the UK.
You have to stay here now and not go to your country.
Rebuild your life here. Make new friends and build a security network for yourself. All this is a slow process. You have achieved so much in a short time.
Do not let him know that you want the divorce. If he thinks you do not care he may want the divorce sooner.
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Thank u so much everyone Have been so upset…feeling a bit better. Never occured to me that i wudnt just be able to sort divorce from here. I guess the good side is that i am here and not there. If i was there i wudnt be able to divorce him because he wud get custody of the kids as it often is given to the man.It just feels like another hold he has over me. He is probably gonna fight me in court for xontact wiv kids. He has told his family i am a “prostitute” I am not like this…but sometimes i start to doubt and wonder.Im not a prostitute coz i wear this clothes or that or i show my hair…but i let him make me a prostitute and i feel like i am still his property.
I think u r right KIP its all mind games. I can go the embassy but the fact is as a woman icant divorce without permission from court in my country…but it doesnt matter because i dont want any man..sometimes i think i want a woman…maybe just so someone wud be kind and caring…(detail removed by Moderator) Please tell me i am not what he says!!
If i go to visit my auties and people there it wud be on because he is here but i wud worry that some of his family wud try to take kids. I feel like a bad person for even wanting divorce but need to…but then i wonder if i should just tried harder like they said.Am i doing something wrong? -
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Your English is fine we understand everything!
Ignore that voice in your head.
You’re a great mum you’re strong and funny and have made huge progress with confidence and how to live your life.
Wait till the dust settles a bit. There are lots of poeople who don’t divorce when they split and nobody says do it know. Any way ad someones already said he may divorce you
Sending love and hugs x*x -
Hi, just wanted to add you are doing nothing wrong. You are doing the right and best thing for you and your children. We put our abuser first for years and it’s a hard habit to break. Now is the time to put your own needs first and that of your children. I posted the bill of rights for women, you have a right to be happy. You don’t need any man to make you feel that. You’ve tasted freedom, it’s scary but it’s all yours. Enjoy x
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Hi Hun
We can understand u fine, dont listen to his words, its his thinking that is wrong, your not a prositue or any of the other things he is saying, he can see your true inner beauty and canst stand it that is why he is abusing u by putting u down., It is his and the family thinking that is wrong, look art your progress how far u have come, continue to progress and ignore this small minded family and their thoughts
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Been clutching ice cubes and scrubbing so as not to cut myself.
Mental
Stupid
Lazy
Like having sex with plank of wood
Ugly
He married me cos he felt sorry for me
Boring
C**p wife one else wud want me.
I used to beg him not to divorce me. All the time he was telling me he wud get another wife if i didnt do better.Telling me how I needed ro learn….and he was always ready to teach me. Iwas (age removed by moderator)the first time he taught me a lesson. I cried all night long.
Hes right. Im stupid. yrs i let him do these things to me.sooo thick.
He made me trapped but i dont care. What does it matter now. Dicorce doesnt matter because im his. Not even in a.whisper can i say all the things what he did. I didnt even know for sure it was all wrong. Im.his because eveyday i remember what he did and i see the scars. Whats a paper gonna do to free me. -
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HI Hun
Do not beleive the words playing in your head, its all untrue, dont worry if it took u (detail removed by Moderator) to leave, it took me more , i left after (detail removed by Moderator), i too was married off at (detail removed by Moderator), what do we know about relationships when they were our first partners. These abusers are beyond evil hun, i myself could never imagine anyone could abuse their wife like that, but they have their own mental issues , u say your said he married u cause no one else would want u , guess what hun my ex used to say same, i was the most boring person in world and it was better if i stayed quiet then speak, he mock me all the time infront of others , i was the worlds crappiest wife . Theyjust say this to break our self esteem. dont u dare cut yourself , this is exactly what he wants so u keep your arms all covered, u keep your body covered, his won again then, u keep your arms slash free and let him know he hasnt won, he tried to break u, but u fell and got up and walk away with the kids. What better slap on his face then that. Who cares what he thinks. My ex and his brother used to constantly say the minutem i leave people willben in my knickers, who cares what they say and think, leave them to their dirty thinking and u just thinkk what is importaant to u , that u are clean and a good mother. I know he made u do a lot of things sexually, that doesnt make u cheap or dirty , it was him that was in the wrong for forcing u do to things against your will. There is nothing wrong in experimenting things with your partner if they both agree. He is the sick one , not u, u stick it out for yourself and your kids who need u. By u walking away u r giving strength to other ladies in your culture. When i left everyonne was doing countdown when i would be back, and im so happy now .Ignore whoever is saying u r shame to the family, it is them that are ashame to the family. Im from the asian culture i know how hard it is, but u know what hun after been out now x years if anyone dare says anything to mock me or in appropriate comment how i didnt need to leave , they get such a polite shaarp answer that they regeret comnmenting .
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Oh confused…ur words meam so much. I dont know its hard at the momemt. Im not cutting but its hard. He used to call me psycho when i did. That what i dont get as well is that they are calling me prostitute but he was the one who i think did bad things. I dont know. Ive not been with anyone elae but i think its not right to know that ur really hurting someone.He was always thinking im cheating. He got really angry cos i let in the plumber when i was home and no male relative was there. He raped me with an object. I never told anyone that. That isnt what all men do is it? I felt ok til this dicorce thing..now i lost all my confidence. I wanted to study…but i can only think about his words.about how stupid I am..that i ahould be invisible
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It is all him. He has the support of a deeply patriarchal culture.
They use to call women prostitutes who stand up for themselves and fight abusive men.
How else can they suppress all the other abused women who then also want to break out?
You are probably a shining heroine to many women who do not yet dare to break out.
Slowly it begins to sink in that women deserve respect and will leave if they are abused.You have every reason to be proud of yourself. You were so deeply suppressed and yet you found the courage to break out.
You are amazing and indeed, you shine very bright.You give a great example to your children. They learn that relationships have to be built on mutual respect and abuse has no place.
The suffering that you have endured gave you most likely PTSD. Fight to get therapy. You need a long therapy in order to process all what happened to you. You should not be left alone with all this pain.
You have never deserved any of the things he did to you. He is just a nasty person. He is misguided. He probably never learned to respect women.
Do not give too much thought to the family. They have no rights over you here in the UK and they know this.
Do not cut yourself. Buy yourself some nice clothes to show off when the spring comes.
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Hi Hun
These men are sick to as very high level, i can only understand as i have been thorugh a traumatic experience myself, they degrade us to break our self esteem, my ex was obessed with callinng me a s***, w****, he was always saying i was sleeping with the men in his family , with people i work with, etc, to some point u go crazy yourself trying to work out how can u be those thingss when u have only slept with them, yet they possibly couldnt be wrong so maybe we are those things. But we are not those things, i had passion to study so much , but he never let me and even if he did, he put worse conditions on me , if u want to study, then do a course, do online or home study if u dont feel that confident yet. These men get a kick out of breaking our confidence. Take a deep breath and prove him wrong , i am at point i dont care about what they say now, i do everything for me and my kids, Train your brain again. say i love u to yourself daily, say u are smart, say whatever positive thing u want to say about yourself, Love yourself again. FOr me i had to learn to look in mirror and actually really look nat myself, and u know what i wasnt even as bad as he said i was, recovrey i say is slow but thats good as u are really undersaatanding yourself again, and u know what hun u r doing brill, and u r cared for by us ladies on here, feel to p message me anytime
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I agree with every word you say Confused123.
The ex abuser used to belittle me and humiliate me and make me feel ugly and not worthy of him.
He had the attitude that he was a gift to mankind, especially to the women.I felt inferior an believed that I was ugly and actually lucky that he had the mercy to be my husband.
After I got out and lived on my own for a while I looked at all our pictures again.
I looked at them as if I was an outsider with a neutral perspective.
I saw a beautiful woman and a crazy looking man by her side that did not match her level. That was me and him.
And this is the reality. He was not all that good looking and I was much better looking than him. I had the better education, the drive to succeed in life and I had so much more class than him.I was blind that I did not see this. It shocks me deeply that he could pervert my perception to such a high degree and lower my self esteem so deeply.
I am sure you will have a similar experience when you look at pictures of you and him.
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Hi Shine Bright,
These men are capable of the most despicable actions and the most horrendous words.
It’s a great tragedy that we believe that those words are somehow true, and that the ugliness of their behaviour somehow points to our own unworthiness and our faults.
It took me a long time after leaving to finally comprehend that his words were lies and projections, his actions a symptom of his own addiction to power and abuse.
The better you are as a person, the more they want to hurt you, because your goodness only shows up how bad they are, and they enjoy trying to destroy that goodness.
My ex did things to me that I am ashamed of and that I’ve not shared with anyone, but I acquiesced because I was in a place- like you- where I feared saying no. We must not beat ourselves up for this. The filth of their actions only shows how foul they are. I hope you have reached out to get as much support as you can in terms of counselling etc.
You are a pure soul and have a pure spirit x
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