10th January 2016 at 3:26 pm #7418
I have left my husband a couple of days ago, it’s not the first time we have only been together (removed by moderator) and I always go back but it never changes. He is not aggressive but controls everything I do, he will give me silent treatment for days if I try and spend time with friends or family but then says it’s because he loves me and wants us to spend our time together so I end up cancelling plans etc and just become more and more isolated. He questions and accuses me a lot and it’s always off the scale things he gets in his head I feel extremely low and don’t want to keep going back when I start missing him because he’s so loving when he’s being nice but it never lasts I always question myself if this is mental abuse or if it will change any advice would be appreciated
10th January 2016 at 4:32 pm #7420LisaMain Moderator
Hi Sparkle1, welcome to the forum. What you have described is definitely emotional abuse. Trying to stop you seeing friends and family is a common tactic that abusers use. The less you see your friends and family the more you become isolated. Also ignoring you for days at a time is not normal behaviour.
I understand the temptation to always go back because that is the easiest thing to do, but this abuse is not going to stop. He is proving that by continuously acting the same way when you return. If he wanted to change he could do it but he just says things to get you back. In order for your partner to change he would have to fully understand and except that he is behaving badly and your partner doesn’t.
I know it is hard to make steps to making changes but a good place to start would be the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. I think it would be good initially just for you to talk to as many people as you can about this, it might help you feel clearer about it all. It’s a step in the right direction and a way for you to start feeling like you’re taking control of this.
It’s great that you have come on here to talk about how you are feeling. I hope that you find the forum a supportive place.
10th January 2016 at 5:35 pm #7423
Thank you for your advice he always admits that it’s how his head works and that he doesn’t want to be like he is he goes to counselling and has been prescribed antidepressants but it never changes and it’s making me ill it’s affecting my work my relationships life is very miserable x
10th January 2016 at 9:04 pm #7453
When they begin to control what we do it is abuse even though a lot of ladies dont recognise it, please get support and try leave him if u have gone back to him, this is there game when they sense we r going to leave or have had enough they sudddenly become mr nice and we fallin love again thinkingits going to be ok, from experience of been with an abuser for way too long, now that im out i can see how he could see when he had broken mentally and push me too far, that wasnt enough to stop just to give me a tempoary break and mess with my head more, they stress us out so much, when a guy truly loves you, respect and trust is important, he ahs to freely allow you to do what you want, when he stops u from seeing friends and family his trying to isolate you cause he knows is treating u wrong, call womens aid for further advise or post on her, you are experiencing trauma bonding thats why you keep going back, with the right support which you will get loads on here, we will support you to keep away, i am out a year now and it has been a long ride of me missing him like crazy, wishing we could be togheter, but with support of these lovely ladies on here and reading up on abuse u learn to stay away even if u have to force yourself , read why does he do it by lundy buncroft, u willbe shocked how much u can relate to, u not alone hun
10th January 2016 at 10:49 pm #7477
I came home tonight and he had come back to the house he starting crying saying I’ve got no where to go I’ve got no one do you want me to beg you ! He has fallen out with his family and doesn’t have proper friends, he said when he does leave he is going to say all the things he hasn’t be able to say because he’s living in my house he said this is a marraige you don’t just give up he said he will be telling everyone it’s 100% my fault that I’m fickle and can’t hold down a relationship or communicate properly ! He said he was with his ex for 6 years and has never been made to feel like I’ve made him feel like he’s a freak he said he’s a good person, he’s now downstairs on the sofa I’m in my bedroom feeling guilty again and I don’t know why I have done everything throughout this toxic relationship to keep him happy it’s his way or no way and now I feel like a bully for making a stand and finally finding the strength to say enough is enough, I am now doubting myself again because he looks so upset.
11th January 2016 at 6:41 am #7490
Crocodile tears, he’s only sad cause he might be loosing his abuse toy.
They are good actors, and because we are upset about the situation it’s easy for us to believe they are upset too. But they don’t feel the same as us.
Don’t doubt yourself, speak to someone asap. That was my mistake I would believe that he wanted to change, my house became the last chance hotel.
Don’t spend decades in misery not knowing what you will be walking in to xx
11th January 2016 at 7:50 am #7495
Wanted to reply to u last night but couldn’t log in ,do not fall for these tears , I know it’s hard but his not your responsibility , if things were other way would he offer u sofa ,he is testing his boundaries and creeping in again slowly , already he is playing with I and saying he will tell everyone it’s your fault , let him say what he wants u know the truth and it always comes out in end ,yes people don’t give up on marriage but they do when abuse occurs , that’s what he won’t understand or admitt. Don’t doubt yourself or blame yourself it’s him , they just like drowing us with guilt
11th January 2016 at 10:37 am #7507
Thanks for your support I’m really struggling with my feelings I don’t want to be with him anymore because he makes me so unhappy I miss my friends and my family just doing normal things with my kids without feeling on edge when I’m out with him because he accuses me of looking at men even when I’m driving ! I just wish he would stop trying to make me give him chances he must know it will never work because I’m always trying to get out of it all that’s happening now is he is acting like the victim saying he has no one and he probably does feel vulnerable because he’s realised he’s lost control but I can’t keep staying because of guilt for him after the way he has treated me, even when he’s nice the love is obsessive and over the top so that doesn’t even feel nice anymore x
11th January 2016 at 10:44 am #7508
Hugs he such a mind player isn’t he? Part of getting away is the realisation of his motives.
It’s always someone else’s fault, but it’s not and you could do nothing to make things right. Because they justice change the goal posts.
Good luck and stay strong xx
11th January 2016 at 11:47 am #7510
Thank you he has just sent s message saying “I love you I miss you I don’t want to leave” I’m going to block his number because I need to get my life back x
11th January 2016 at 12:21 pm #7513
He’s just sent me a final message saying “he will always love me but for this to be final a massive decision has to be made there’s something he will have to do so that there is no going back and that he has no choice” I havnt replied I don’t know if this is a suicide threat or to go and sleep with someone should I ignore it or report it to the police incase it’s a suicide threat ? x
11th January 2016 at 12:45 pm #7514
U doing ever so well, absiultely ignore text, again he wants reaction out of u, dont waste your life chasing after him, they know we r caring people thats why they choose to mess with us , block him so u cant read hi silly messages saying his loves u, thi sis what they all do cry and say they regret what they did and will be prince charming, well they can p**s off cause it s too late, you like me have probably wasted more then enough time of your life with him, glad you can see its wrong that he accuses u of looking at other men, i couldnt even see that i was just in blind world and busy saying but im not and how can i get you to beelive him. Its horrible when we live on egg shells and can see it is wrong but dont have strength to fight it. I can already hear the determination in your post,, keep posting as much as u need to its best way to get through this
11th January 2016 at 6:41 pm #7532one day at a timeParticipant
Hi Sparkle. So glad you’ve found the courage to post about what is really going on for you. It is so hard to admit to ourselves sometimes just how difficult it is. Particularly when it’s ongoing emotional and mental abuse, which is what he is doing to you.
I stayed in a very unhealthy and unhappy marriage for years where I suffered very similar abuse to you – silent sulks, nasty comments, threats to kill himself, putting me down, isolating me, blaming for how he felt….. the list is endless. It didn’t start like that and it just kept getting worse.
So please keep posting and keeping track of his abusive ways. This will help keep you focused on the days when he is being ‘nice’ and making you think that he is going to change.
Like your husband, mine also ending up being disowned by all his family members and had no friends. This is when it took really started to get worse for me, because his focus was on me 100% of the time and I sense this is what is happening for you. Everything became my fault. Nothing was good enough. I was accused of affairs when I didn’t even dare speak or look at a man. He accused me of being mental and an unfit mother. He sabotaged all attempts to improve in my career.
He ended up controlling everything about my life and little by little the abuse worsened.
Please remember that your job isn’t to keep him happy. You shouldn’t have to be walking on eggshells all the time. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
You should be able to live your life as the woman you know you can be.
It took many years before he was removed by the police and for me that was the point of no return. It’s not easy making the decision to separate, but it was the right one.
I don’t want to make this about me, just wanting to give you hope that it is possible to get out of a horrible relationship and life can be good again.
Take care. xx
11th January 2016 at 7:28 pm #7534
Thank you for your reply he has left me feeling very lost inside he has finally left the house and I feel so upset inside I think it’s relief but also the reality that it isn’t going to be what I hoped it to be I still love him and have that horrible missing feeling which I don’t understand as he made me so unhappy, I need to stay focused I want a better life for me and my children x
11th January 2016 at 8:45 pm #7535
I know its so hard, you will find in time that you have been condition to love him. They are all consuming and when they aren’t there abusing you its daunting. Time as they say is a great healer xx and I can tell you that you have not only done the right thing for you, you have done the right thing for your children.
17th January 2016 at 11:26 am #7882bubblesParticipant
Welcome to the forum. It’s hard to leave for good and we have all been there going back and forth. I hope this forum gives you support and strength you need to break free.
Good luck x
17th January 2016 at 11:02 pm #7918
Hey Hun was just reading your last post , even though they r our abusers we actually get hooked to them like a drug ,our body actually adapts to abuse we r so trap. So when they go or we leave them , even though peace is brill we r on edge as all we did was focus on them and there needs, prob feels unreal to be able to focus on yourself, u have trauma bonding too , I never thought it could be possible but as u fight to protect yourself and keep away it gets better , no contact helps, but small things can send triggers off
17th January 2016 at 11:26 pm #7925
Thank you for all your support I have spent my first weekend without him just me and my kids my emotions are up and down but Im feeling focused never to go back to him again xx
20th January 2016 at 6:29 am #8023
Hi xx so pleased your weekend went well, it will take time for you all to get over the abuse, but you’re on the way xx
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