15th April 2016 at 6:23 pm #13923
I will try and keep this short. I have been reading posts on and off for sometime, but only got the courage to join today.
I have been with my partner for a number of years. He has had a temper for the vast majority of our relationship. As soon as we married we moved 100’s of miles away from friends and family, worst thing I have ever done, I was so stupid to agree. Now I’m a prisoner in my own home. He has a well paid job when we moved he wouldn’t allow me to find a new job.
So he goes to work, but I am not allowed out unless I am with him. I am sure this must sound very silly he doesn’t lock me in but he phones! He will phone the land line I have to answer within a few rings or he goes mad when he gets home. He started with shouting but over the years has got more and more violent.
There is never any regularity between phone calls. Some days he will call 5 times within an hr other days he’ll phone just once. So I can never wait until he phones and then go out if that makes any sense.
A few days ago I didn’t answer the phone quick enough, he went well insane when he got home, accusing me of having an affair, asking who I’d been in bed with when I didn’t answer, the truth is I was hanging clothes up! He was smashing things and used me like a punch bag, then he just switched and calmly asked what was for dinner like nothing had happened. And alcohol just seems to fuel him he is out now and will reappear at some unearthly hr, but no matter how drunk he will still call so I can’t sleep.
I know I should leave but the thought of leaving the house fills me with panic, and he has always made it clear what he would do it I left him!
Thank you for reading, I am sorry it was so long.
15th April 2016 at 6:29 pm #13924
Hello and welcome. My ex would do that with dinner. If it wasn’t on the table when he came in but he worked overtime and would often come home at different times to catch me out. Now I know it was just an excuse for him to use to abuse me. If it wasn’t the dinner it would be something else. Can you call the helpline and find out where your nearest women’s aid is? He is dangerous and controlling and the abuse only gets worse. Can you secretly record these outbursts. Have you tried ringing 101 and speaking to a domestic abuse police officer? How about going back to your family for a ‘holiday’. You need supportive people around you. You can’t break free without help x
15th April 2016 at 6:49 pm #13927
Thank-you kip for taking the time to read.
I feel so alone. He would never allow me to go on ‘holiday’ alone. I have gone to call the police so many times. But I fear that because of the job he does they would never be leave me, or would say I pushed him to it. All boys together sort of thing. When we first moved I tried to persuade him to let me work, but he got promoted and we live a modest life so he wouldn’t have it.
Sorry I must sound so pathetic.
15th April 2016 at 7:08 pm #13930
No you don’t sound pathetic. My ex trapped me this way too. I gave up my job. Became dependent on him. That’s what abusers do. There is a good book by Pat Craven called ‘Living with the Dominator’. My ex was a police officer and he was arrested and charged. Abusers lie and play terrible mind games. I recorded the abuse on my phone. The police were fantastic. They don’t like when one of their own breaks the law. It paints them all in a bad light. If it’s safe then ring 101 and ask to speak to a domestic abuse officer. Or ring the helpline. I moved 400 miles from my family too. Abusers isolate us so we depend on them even more. Keep posting and asking questions. Abusers thrive on silence so well done for posting❤️👍👍
15th April 2016 at 8:10 pm #13937
Thank-you, you have no idea how much it means to know that just because of there job they don’t get away with it! This is the first time I’ve ever spoke of what is happening. I have always covered for him, people must think I am so clumsy. Does the help line show up on itemised phone bills? I don’t even want to think how far he would go.
15th April 2016 at 8:58 pm #13941LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post. I am sorry to read about your situation but very pleased that you have found the forum. It sounds like you are in a very abusive relationship, physically, emotionally and mentally. Please do phone the helpline, it will not show on a BT bill but if you are with another service provider please check with them. If you have any friends you could also try from their house. Please also try and get in touch with your local Women’s Aid group. It sounds like over the years he has really chipped away at your self confidence but your local group will help to support you and advice you.
We are all here for you. I really hope that posting on the forum is the first step you make towards happiness.
15th April 2016 at 9:19 pm #13943
Thank you Lisa, I must sound so stupid. This will sound so pathetic but I have never really made friends around here and lost touch with all my old ones. I can’t leave the house in case he phones you see. If i am honest I am now petrified when I leave the house, which is few and far between usually only to attend appointments and he is with me, a while ago he pushed me down the stairs I ended up with cracked ribs and a broken arm, he was with me at every appointment. I know/fear if I don’t leave I will end up seriously hurt. But I am so scarred. I am sorry I feel like now I have started talking the flood gates have opened and I can’t stop.
15th April 2016 at 9:45 pm #13947
You can google lots and send emails. Do you have a personal email address? That way he can never find out that you look for help.
Always delete all traces of your internet use.
Do you have parents where you could just turn up? Can you go to a local hospital and request to be sent to a refuge, refusing to go back home?
If you can show them injuries they will never let you go back.
Can you contact some of the old friends? Maybe one of them is still there for you and will help you to flee? I never was that lucky but I know of women who were.
Regarding the injuries: the NHS keeps your health records and you can always say that he did that. You can explain why you were unable to tell the truth.
You need the police, honestly said. You need to find out who your local police DV specialist is and meet up with them. They could also come to the house while he is out. He would not know when he is at work and when you answer the phone when he calls. You just tell them you have to do this otherwise your life is in danger. They will understand. You can also secretly record him on your phone. When he is drunk he will not notice. x*x
16th April 2016 at 8:21 am #13987
Thank-you ladies. I will try and phone the help line when I know he is at work. I don’t know if I can trust the police to talk to them. But I know somehow I have to leave the house and get away from him. But I fear where ever I was to go he’d be able to use his job to find me.
16th April 2016 at 8:40 am #13990
Hi there, do not believe a word he has told you. My ex filled my head with threats and nonsense. He tried using his job, stupid man, and got into even more bother. They are idiots under the facade. Women’s Aid could help you get a place in a refuge if you’d rather do that first. Or could you just leave and go back to your parents. Tell them everything. You need to speak to someone so that when you leave you can be safe. You don’t have to give your name to the police. You can just ask for their advice. Always ask for a domestic abuse police officer. Abuse always gets worse. I was trapped for years with my abuser. His mind games were awful. There is a book by Lundy Banccroft. ‘Why does he do that’ it’s a great read too. Remember to wipe your history or be careful on whatever device you’re using x
16th April 2016 at 8:47 am #13994White RoseParticipant
Hi Prisoner well done for joining us and telling us your story. The other ladies have given you all the advice I would too.
There’s just a few things I’ll say – his job doesn’t give him the right to abuse you. Evidence is key. I still have a recording on an old phone of my ex ranting at me and our daughter with multiple examples of verbal emotional abuse. I didn’t need it in the end but I’ve kept it as a reminder of just how bad it was.Keep a diary of dates and what he did again phone is good as long as you have a secure password lock on it!
Please ring helpline – they are so helpful. While you are stuck at home spend time starting to get copies of any joint finances/mortgage/savings etc you may need in case you need to leave.
You are being emotionally and physically abused I suspect like many abusers he’s abusing you in other ways too. Remember we’re here and we understand what it’ s like x*x
16th April 2016 at 9:03 am #13995
I have no form of income everything is in his name! If I left I have no money. How do I go to the police? He is one of there own! He has always said they stand by there own loom after each other no one would believe a word I said. I had a break down a few years ago, they’d just think I was having another one
16th April 2016 at 9:33 am #13998
OMG. You could be writing about me! I’m going to personal message you as this is a live forum but my ex sounds like his twin! You couldn’t be more wrong about the police.
16th April 2016 at 4:06 pm #14056Confused123Participant
YOur not pathethic, please call the womens aid line and get a support worker allocated to you, im glad kip is offering u loads of support, woith a support eotker u can make a escape plan, good luck and keep postinghere whenever u need advice we all here to support eachanother
16th April 2016 at 5:47 pm #14073
Thank-you ladies. I think I will ask him if I can go and visit my family for a few days. Maybe if I explain I need some time to think and clear my head he’ll let me go.
16th April 2016 at 6:17 pm #14078
Do not let him know anything is wrong. They are very very switched on to when we are getting stronger. They are most dangerous when we try to leave them. Could you invite him too and once you get there, say you want to stay for an extra few days? He won’t hurt you in front of witnesses. They are too cowardly. However if he senses you are building up to leave him, he will punish you badly. Be very careful with your new found information. It made me feel strong and when I confronted him, it didn’t go well.
16th April 2016 at 6:38 pm #14081
I thought if I tried to explain that we can’t continue how things are, that we need time and space away from each other, he might let me go. I haven’t seen them in so long. He hasn’t before but if I could sell it as being good for him. I know I need to leave but I wouldn’t tell him I wasn’t coming back. I think if he came with me I’d loose my nurve
16th April 2016 at 7:10 pm #14087
Do you know the movie with Julia Roberts, Sleeping with the Enemy? This is what came to my mind when I read your story.
She escaped and found work and in the end she killed him as he deserved it.
Unfortunately we are not allowed to kill the perps, but I am sure there is police who will help you to get away from him. Not all police is bad. I have come across some really nice and good ones.
When we are in this fearful situation everything appears to be a Mount Everest, impossible to climb.
In the end, the abuser is a coward, he abuses a woman, who does not have the same muscular strength as him and who depends on him financially.
I am sure, if we women were strong and did rearrange the faces of these men and kicked their balls to mush they would worship us like goddesses.
If you get out and live your own life he will give up because your strength will scare him. You need to build your muscles and be ready to defend your life for a while after you get away from him. After some time you will have peace. He may even find another woman quickly. Abusers are good with that, finding another victim.
I see the even bigger problem with the services, that fail to support women who want to get out of abusive relationships. Our government is so great with cutting these services. Soon we really need to resort to combat as there will be nothing left to help us get away from abusers.
Be prepared that you will face hardships and sometimes you will feel so down that you want to give up. But always remember that nothing stays the same and things change all the time and all will be over one day. We are all here to encourage you and you need to post here and share your suffering. We have been through this and we deal with the long term consequences of the abuse and the lack of support. But we are all still here and some of us, me definitely, show patriarchy the middle finger.
16th April 2016 at 10:46 pm #14114InneedofsomepeaceParticipant
Hi prisoner and welcome
Please be careful, he sounds like a very dangerous man. These men don’t take lightly to us leaving. My husband threatened arson and murder and alsorts when I left. Please please don’t give him anything that will make him think you are leaving him, as kip said he will punish you badly. Please be careful, and keep posting we are all here to support each other.
17th April 2016 at 12:51 am #14130AnonymousInactive
Hi there Prisoner, I thought that I could not afford to leave but we are fortunate to live in a country where benefits exist. Do you own your house or rent it?
17th April 2016 at 7:34 am #14137Falling SkysParticipant
I think you are a brave survivor. It took someone else (receptionist at the solicitors) to say I should speak to woman aid to give me the strength to leave a message. When I started talking about my experiences I expected them to tell me it wasn’t abuse. But the never did, the support I have had from the woman aid, police, doctors and rape support have been outstanding. Though at times their hands are tied I can see the frustration in their eyes.
This site is a life line and a font of knowledge for woman that know and understand what you are going through.
You also find there are a lot of long termers here. I’m over three decades. I find the younger so inspirational as they realised earlier on in their relationships but as the tell me there is things on tv, radio, internet even on bus stops giving information which we didn’t have.
Also I was always being told I was over emotional or sensitive or it was his right or I made him do it.
Be proud of your first step to freedom.
17th April 2016 at 9:23 am #14156
I am so stupid. You tried to tell me to be careful. I asked him/ told him I wanted to go stay with my family he didn’t take it well at all. I am so stupid, I have wasted your time I should never have posted.
17th April 2016 at 9:59 am #14161lover of no contactParticipant
I’m glad you posted for support. Of course he’s not happy. he’s never going to think something you may like to do, or need to do, or is in your best interest is a good idea. He will be looking to see your reaction. Do not let him see how upset you are at his reaction at you wanting to go to your parents for a break.
For today, could you pretend you are cleaning the house, tidying in general etc but really be going through your stuff and the household stuff with a view to you leaving. Because if the plan is to eventually get to your parents house and not go back at least you’ll have your ‘house in order’ so to speak. I say this because when I couldn’t leave my abuser, it gave me a feeling of control to do a few things each day with my long-term aim of leaving. Even if it was only getting rid of clothes I didn’t need, sorting out my paperwork, etc, etc. Even spending time on here reading the posts and posting is you being proactive and taking action on the process of leaving your abusive relationship. Even though he is not giving permission today to go to your parents, if he sees you are not unduly upset about ‘King of the Castle’s’ decision to not grant you permission to take a break to visit your parents, he may change his mind tomorrow.
Remember, your abuser’s main aim is to upset you (and make you fearful, afraid, worried, angry) etc. That’s where they get their ‘power high’. They like to have control over our emotions. They like for our mind and emotions and life to be in a mess. Don’t let him know you are upset. Keep posting for support.
Also don’t let him know you come on here.
17th April 2016 at 2:31 pm #14194
Change the way you say it. Tell him that you miss your mum and that you have not seen her in a while.
Ask him whether both of you could go there and see whether she is alright. Look at a time when he will not be able/want to go so that you end up going alone.
Wait a few days before you try again.
I would not have this patience. I would pack my documents and a few things and go when he is not there to never come back. I would speak to the police and Woman’s Aid and I would make such a hell of a noise with them that they need to put you up in a refuge, where he can never find you. They usually put you up in a refuge far away from where you live. As you do not work it does not matter where they put you. You can go anywhere in the country. He will never find you if you handle it clever and do not give away your location to family or friends.
As Lonc said, clean the house today and behave as normal as possible, but check what you can pack together quickly.
Just for your information: if you are married longer than 5 years and you have never worked he has to pay you maintenance for a little while in the case of a divorce or give you a financial compensation. In the meantime benefits will help you out. You can get your life together.
17th April 2016 at 2:50 pm #14197SerenityParticipant
At my women’s support group, there used to be a woman who came who was with her abuser from aged 15-40.
He was so controlling, when I met her she had never worked, never even had a National Insurance number (so was beneath the radar of the work and pensions department ) as he wouldn’t allow her to work.
He gradually cut her off from all her family. He let her meet up with her sister once a year as a reward for good behaviour, and even then she was too frightened to tell her sister the truth about her life.
He went out to work in the day and never even had to lock the door- because he had made her believe something bad would happen if she disobeyed him and left home.
She watched children’s tv as a comfort thing, and began to even speak like a child. She was in deep PTSD. She had agoraphobia, panic attacks, and her speech was slurred due to the trauma.
I had never seen anyone like this. I never realised mental abuse could cause such visible damage.
Why I am telling you this is because she left him one day, ran and ran and called the police and told them her almost unbelievable story.
He had begun to hit her and the abuse was getting physical.
Her partner was arrested and his case is going through court now.
I happened to bump into her in town last month. She recognised me, and we chatted.
I couldn’t believe the transformation. She was out, shopping alone. She was buying things for her new flat, the address of which was being kept secret.
Her eyes were shining. Her speech was virtually normal, she was animated and she didn’t look scared or panic stricken.
She told me that she had been given lots of DV support. She had also received intensive psychotherapy for the effects of her trauma.
I am telling you this because, for 25 years, her abuser had her so terrified and under his thumb that he knew he didn’t even have to lock her in the house: he had such power over her. Yet, one day, she just left with nothing and ran.
And she is now transformed.
It will be a long haul for her, but she has already changed and is no longer his prisoner. And he is known to everyone- the courts, police and other agencies. His abuse was exposed.
20th April 2016 at 8:53 pm #14692WhathaveidoneParticipant
Omg Serenity this person you just described sounds just like me. Except, I haven’t escaped, I’m not yet 40 and I really don’t want to have to wait so many years until I become strong and leave him. I feel ever so trapped I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried calling the helpline but I cant get through to anyone.
17th April 2016 at 7:16 pm #14269
You have all been so kind much more so than I deserve. I have spent the day taking painkillers and trying to rest. I don’t know where I go from here but I can’t risk asking him again.
20th April 2016 at 8:50 pm #14690WhathaveidoneParticipant
Prisoner, this is what my partner does to me – but without hitting me. I have to have my mobile phone with me everywhere: outside, in the house – even in the bathroom just so that i don’t miss his calls. Otherwise i get such a berating…it’s not worth all the emotional distress.
I’ve read your recent posts and I’m glad you are away from him now. I don’t know why these men behave like this but one thing I do know now and keep repeating to myself constantly that it is NOT our fault.
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