- This topic has 24 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi
I’m new to this and finding it all a massive a sturggle so I apologise if I’m triggering for anyone. My husband is drinking at weekends and sexually assualting me. I am a massively private person so doing anyting either face to face or in a group situation is really a big no no for me so this is as near to getting help as I’m going to get. I hope I’m not overstepping any boundaries here.
There is no Women’s Aid close to me either so this is another reason for being online.
-
Hi aunty
Welcome to the group . You don’t have to feel alone we are all here for a reason. Feel free to keep posting . Have you been to police about your circumstances .no money should be sexually abused by there partner -
Hi – I’ve only been here for just over a week, couldn’t believe I was tbh. BUT…..don’t apologise, I’ve found this group to be a massive help. You can phone the women on this site, I did it last week and I’m glad I did. I’m thinking I might go in and see them tomorrow.
You’re situation is bad, you know it is. I’m a private person too. Do you feel you can make a call? It helps immensely, it really does. You’ve made the first step by posting. Is there a time when you have time to yourself? Make the call. For me, it was validation, I wasn’t mad, what happened was very very wrong and the person I spoke to made me feel like I was valued! I’ve no idea what I said when I phoned but they are honestly the best people.
I hope you can make the call and I also agree with lamfree, you should try call the police.
-
For someone to abuse like that, they feel entitled to, which means they can easily do it again. A normal person would never feel entitled to cross such boundaries. You are worth so much more.
I never imagined I could share my experience- my ex made me feel I couldn’t speak out- but the support I received from Women’s Aid was amazing, and without it I wouldn’t have got out.
Keep posting x
-
One reply but to everyone. Thank you for being for so lovely. I don’t really want to go to the police and dont want to start down a path I don’t think I would be able to stop and I don’t feel comfortable making a phone call. I am fairly certain my husband is not aware of what he is doing. I have three good friends who are aware of what is happening who are supporting me, unfortunately two of them live far away from me so are really only available at a distance but do their best. One of them is male and gets rather angry but respects my decision not to go the the police and really is the reason I am here. I only work part-time whereas my husband works full time so I have plenty of time at home on my own. It doesn’t happen regularly and in the grand scheme of what some people suffer is very low level, however I do appreciate that is not a reason to put up with it. i am aiming to sort out his drinking in the hope that this will sort out the assault problem as the two are linked.
-
-
-
Hi Auntyoof,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you so much for your post. I am so sorry to read about your situation and I am really pleased to see that you have already had lots of advice and support. We are all here for you and this is a safe space for you to post. Have you managed to try calling the helpline? They are open 24hours a day, every day and they will be able to talk to you about all of your options. No one is going to try to tell you what to do but hopefully they can help you to see that you do have options and choices that perhaps are hard for you to see at the moment.
You deserve so much to be happy and free from abuse and free to live in a house where you do not feel afraid and I really hope that finding this forum is the first step for you to changing your situation. Please keep posting and we will all do our best to help you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
Hi AuntyOof and welcome. If you do ever decide to make a call to Womans Aid be aware that they will not want, rush or expect you to do anything you don’t want to (such as report an incident). They will listen if that’s all you need or want, no pressure to do anything.
I admire your tenacity when you say you are aiming to sort out his drinking problem – but it would probably help to speak to an organisation that specialises in this area. There is going to be a limit to what you can do because he needs to want to stop and decide to do it himself, but of course you can support him.
We are all here for you x -
Hi AuntyOof, do not worry. We all have been through a lot. Nothing can shock us here.
It is good that you came on here.
Stay with us and post whatever bothers you.
We can help you to get stronger.I was very embarrassed about the abuse that I suffered and felt a lot of guilt.
The more I educated myself about it the more I lost the feelings of guilt and having to keep everything secret.
It is the abuser who chooses to harm you. It has nothing to do with you.
You are a victim of crime. As such you deserve justice. You can ring 999 if he rapes you and/or violates you in any way and get him arrested.
I know the thought of this is impossible in the beginning. It took me a long time to finally call the police and that was in a situation when I feared for my life.In order to educate yourself about abuse you can access the online Freedom Programme. That will help you recognise more and more how wrong he is and that you as a person are completely alright. It is him, not you.
Have you ever thought of going into a refuge?
It may be further away from where you are, but that distance will keep you safe from him.Keep posting. We stand with you.
-
I don’t want him arrested. Much as this sound ridiculous I love my husband. When he is sober there is nobody more loving and caring and I want for nothing. I do not want the material in life I simply want to be loved and cared for. I know I sound pathetic but that is where my head is at. It only happens when he’s had too much to drink and not every time, equally I know I am making excuses for him.
I have not and do not anticipate that I would enter a refuge. I do work away from home a reasonable amount so I guess I don’t feel the need.
-
-
Hi HUn
Welcome to site, your find loads of lovely support from here, truth is till he is spoken with from the polkice he will carry on doing this, i lived with a guy who drank loads, the marriage never work cause of his issues, if u not ready to go to police have u spoken to him when he is sober that what he is doing is wrong. When i was withmy exx i was in total denial and just accepted what he did, yeah i used to say he was in the wrong but he just carried on anyway and didnt listen to me wven when he was sober , i always provoked him or deserved it. Mine didnt listen, but if u not ready to take that step yet, i would say to him when his sober what he is doing is wrong and tell him truth he is pushing u away. When u ready i would def recommend calling the support line , theladies are their to listen to us and so supportive, their is no pressure to do anything,
-
I did talk to him about his alcohol intake but not about what he was doing to me when he was drunk. I’m not entirely certain he is aware what he is doing. I have a feeling that if he drinks less he will stop. He is drinking less at the moment, it being that time of year when the police are doing more roadside checks in the festive drink drive campaigns – we live rurally so can’t manage without our driving licences so he can’t afford to risk getting done. Him drinking less means he is doing it less.
-
-
-
I’ve tried ringing the helpline number 3 times and it’s just ringing out. Whilst i am not desperate it’s clearly not meant to be. 🙁
-
Hello AuntyOof,
I am sorry to hear you have not been able to get through to a Helpline Worker on the National Domestic Violence Helpline. There is a voicemail service so perhaps you are able to leave a message with a safe and convenient time for a call back?
I understand it would have taken a lot of courage to make the initial call but please do keep trying when it is safe to do so.
Best wishes,
Lisa
-
-
-
Hi AuntyOof..
Keep trying to speak to Womens Aid, you seem ready to listen to their advice & it may help you in your life situ at the moment.
Maybe reading a few articles about that type of behaviour, coercive control, the dominator, love bombing, trauma bonding etc…may shed some light?Safety is your priority, drunk or sober.
Hugs Cx
-
-
AuntyOof
Well done for making the first step and getting on line
I am concerned for you that it has got worse. Abusers do escalate their behaviour.
Have you made a safety plan so that you can get out with your valuables (passport, credit card, keys etc) in a hurry if you need to.
Please ring 999 if you are in immediate danger and stay safe
x -
Hey hun, same as Lightness, thugs sounded pretty bad before but you say they got worse which is very worrying. I hope you got through to WA before, if not there is the National Domestic Violence Helpline that can help.
Please please do consider going to the police and/or refuge if your physical safety is in danger (which I strongly suspect it is). Please put yourself first. xx
-
I didn’t go to the police, I really don’t want to go to the police. I consider it only a last resort, even though I have a friend who regularly tries to persuade me I should. I did seek medical advice so there is now a formal record of his behaviour. It did settle for a few weeks but like these sort of things it is starting to build again. I have started working at weekends as a way of protecting myself (not really a long-term solution but as working includes being away overnight it keeps me safe). I can’t keep it up forever and it won’t work for every weekend but it does buy me a bit of time.
-
Ask yourself whether you really want to live like that.
How do you want to live? What can you do to live as you wish?
Would you call the police if a stranger did the same thing to you? Why do you make excuses for a man you are intimate with? What is the difference? Who loves who? What is love, really?
You deserve to feel safe!
You deserve to live free from any form of abuse!Keep posting!
-
I’m still with my partner of (detail removed by moderator) years, he is (age removed by moderator, we don’t live together. He is abusive but doesn’t acknowledge that at all. He often tells me how lucky I am to have him but on the other hand is so jealous and possessive when we are out, showing real insecurity around me. He has hit me a couple of times and spat full in my face I think that was worse. The hitting was a back hand across my side and rear which he felt was acceptable. (I didn’t belt you across the room for f***s sake!” was his reply when I said about it. In bed he has to totally dominate me and has hurt me unintentionally but has raped me (detail removed by moderator) saying he didn’t hear me cry or say stop the first time and just changed our position the second, saying “Ithought you were OK.” I have told him I am not comfortable with some of the things he does but he will turn it around later saying you really enjoyed that. His problem is drink and he is going to a well being clinic for his health and I am hoping he takes on board what they say about cutting down. He has never been brought up to respect women and I would like us to go to some sort of counselling together because he does have some really good qualities but I just don’t know if he can change.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
