This topic contains 6 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Next steps 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #95658

    Hello everyone

    I’ve been married for a long time. Sometime after the birth of our child he started to ask me to sleep with other men, whilst he watched or to talk to other men online using erotic chat. I refused over and over. We argued. He’d stop and say he wouldn’t mention it again. He would always bring it up again, sometimes this would be a long while after, others within weeks. We had the same old argument. I’d refuse. We’d argue. I’d say I’m leaving if he continues with these demands. He’d stop for a while then start on again. He did stop tho. For ages. Then he appeared to get bored of me. Barely speaking to me. I found account details for a ‘hook up’ website. I found our info on a swinging website. He started going on forums (not related to the sex thing) he would spend all night on it talking to people who he had never met in real life. I’d try to chat, suggest a film. All I got was the top of his head. When I found the hook up site it was round about the time someone at work started taking an interest in me. First just chatty. Then a bit flirty. Then he wanted more. I thought of the strange fetish my husband talked about, I thought about how bored he was with me, the way he ignored me at weekend. I was stupid. I was foolish and I slept with the work pal. Three times to be precise. I cheated on my husband in an attempt to make things better. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him what had been going on for a month. He found out anyway. I tried to explain my reasons for doing what I did. I felt utmost remorse and guilt. I told him I’d do anything to make it up to him, to prove it is him I love. The demands started tenfold then. He made me talk to guys online, swapping erotic stories. I hated it. It seemed so cheap. Like he was trying to humiliate me for my mistake. He asked me to go to a club with him so other men could do things to me whilst he watched. I said no. He threatened to kill himself. Ive had the police put countless times when he hits rock bottom and the suicidal texts come flooding through. We went (detail removed by moderator). I was terrified. Felt sick. (detail removed by moderator) The suicidal texts started again. We went back (detail removed by moderator) I don’t remember much about it but I remember waking to find myself (detail removed by moderator). I burst into tears and he shouted at me as we left saying I’d ruined it. (detail removed by moderator) I was beyond terrified. That was a while ago now and I have had months and months and months of how I can do those things with my lover but not with him. I tried to explain the fling wasn’t anything like what he ‘likes’. Now he has said that if I don’t try this and try really hard he will kill himself and everyone will know that my affair is the reason he did it. He does not see this as abusive behaviour as I have wronged him. I feel this is abusive and although I made a mistake I am sorry and just want a normal life

  • #95661

    Oh my darling – this is very abusive. I forced myself to read your post as nobody has replied to you yet ……the sex stuff is very similar to my story, I can’t bring myself to talk about that yet.

    You have been so brave to talk about it.
    If he threatens suicide call for help, he either needs mental health support or to grow up and stop being manipulative.

    It’s no wonder you looked outside your marriage for affection and to feel enough, to feel you were desirable.

    I would suggest talking to WA, Rape Crisis and your GP.

    I’m so sorry he did this to you.

    I hope I have helped….I am so angry for you and myself and every woman that is put into this sh***y position.

  • #95663

    Hi there, welcome and well done sharing your story. I’m so sorry you’ve been forced into these awful and dangerous situations. What a vile man to make you do that when he knows you don’t want to, turning it all on you like it’s your fault.

    It’s rare people who threaten to take their lives actually do. It’s his tactic to keep pulling you into his sick fantasy world.

    If you’re serious about getting out (and I hope you are because you deserve respect that you’re certainly not getting with him) please talk to women’s aid and make a safe plan to leave.

    Good luck and keep posting – you will get great advice from these lovely ladies xx

  • #95669

    Ahh sweetheart. You wanted normality and you must have got it in some way off your colleague. Your husband and what he wants sounds seedy and the fact it upsets and you cry when he’s forcing you to do this……if he kills himself that’s totally down to him but I seriously doubt he will. Someone who can terrify his wife and force you to do what he has is too selfish and by the sounds of it you’d be better off with him totally out of the picture. In the news when you hear of men killing themselves have you ever read one where the people left behind say he used to threaten me with it all the time? Usually it comes as a shock to them because they feel like it’s their only way out. This man is a sicko and he is using everything in the book to have you do what he wants sexually. My heart sank halfway through your post because I knew you were going to say you’d do anything. A decent man would not continually put you in danger, and get off on it. He’ll never change and you don’t deserve to be a commodity for him to get gratification watching you scared and in pain. You deserve love, tenderness and happiness in your life and even if he drastically changes you’ll still have these horrific memories where he put you in this position instead of protecting you. Sending all my love to you precious one xxxx

  • #95671
    Main Moderator

    Hi Beeemdoubleu,

    Welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through with your husband. It sounds as if he is using the affair to validate his abusive behavior and to make you feel in some way at fault. What you have described is sexual coercion and it’s great that you have recognised it for what it is – domestic abuse.

    It’s very common for abusers to threaten to harm themselves as a manipulation strategy, it can be so hard not to feel responsible and have thoughts of ‘what if’, but it sounds as if he does not have that same consideration for you. It’s important to look after yourself.

    I’d encourage you to get in touch with your local domestic abuse organisation for a bit of support with the situation. You can find your local service here.
    You could also contact Rape Crisis, on 0808 802 9999.

    Take care and keep posting.


  • #95678
     [email protected] 

    I have had a brief experience off this too it was when I was single – I met someone and he had the same idea. I didn’t see him again I was lucky as I found out really early on. From what I can gather theses men base their sexual preferences around the porn they watch. Submissive women willing to do anything with multiple men. Not real life and definitely no what most women would want. Would they if the situation was reverse? Lots of men I don’t think so. The trouble with porn is when it falls into the hands off an abuser it makes them think it’s ok. Call womens aid and rape crisis. Would refuge be an option for you. My heart sank too reading this it’s abuse off the worst degree. I’m so sorry you had to endure all of this honey. We’re here for you. If he threatens suicide he is playing the victim call an ambulance if he does this again. Get support and let them deal with him. I’m sure this will be seen as rape in the eyes off the law. You need to be safe above all else xx

  • #95961
     Next steps 

    I have so much empathy for you. Quite a few similarities between what your partner wanted resonate with the things my ex would push for. And if it didn’t go as he wanted I felt cheap, pathetic, angry, frustrated…and many more emotions….I could give you 10 years of experiences of trying to deal with this, not doing what he wanted, arguing over it, being put down, insulted and built back up…to be kicked back down soon after. I left over 12 months ago now. Physiologically I was almost instantly better in many ways, psychologically I have joined this group to try and start working through that as I know I am not in the right place, there’s still emotional control even though I am not with him…so challenging to work through.

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