I’m new and need help

[Chair cushion]

Hi, I need some advice from people, I’m currently in a relationship. My boyfriend does take drugs, he gets me to pay for them, even when I say I have no money I get the response “find it” (detail removed by moderator) he dragged me out of my spare bed by my ankle (we know longer sleep in the same bed). When I work nights I have to ring him (detail removed by moderator) to get him up for work, (detail removed by moderator) when he didn’t get up for work, I came after a 13 hours night shift to get punched in the face. I am never violent towards him. I find it easier to just take it. He calls me fat and that I won’t find anyone like him again and I can’t be without him. I never ask for miracles. Just little things such as doing the washing up, hoovering, taking the bin out. Not all the time, just if it needs doing and I am busy with work. I’ve threatened him with the police as it is my property and he says he will go to another family members house and take it out on them. I am lost, I have no friends and no family I can talk to. I have no money, he works and spends his wages and I work and he spends my wages. I’ve been hit numerous times and everyday I dread seeing him because I dread what is coming.

Please help me… 😩

[Iwantmeback]

Hello chair cushion and welcome to the forum. You’re having a terrible time aren’t you. Is this your first port of call, well done in reaching out,💞 it really is a very difficult thing to do.
First things first, you have to be safe in your own home. You’ve threatened him with the police and he’s not stopped, it’s time to make that call. If you can’t do it on your own could you ask someone from HR to go with you. I’m presuming you have an HR at work since you mentioned your work hours. I may be wrong. Women’s aid are great, they’ll listen, not judge and not get you to do anything if you cant/ don’t want to. They can accompany you to the police station too. It’s times like this I wish we had a buddy system like in AA. We are hear to listen to you and to offer practical advice too. Many of us have been or still are in your situation. You must be so scared but please believe me when I say help is out there. The police can get a non-molestation order and that will get him out of your home and your life. If he breaks the order he’ll go up in front of a judge, there will be consequences for his actions, something that we can’t often follow through on ourselves due to ‘trauma bonding’ Have you been to your doctor about your situation, that’s another form of evidence against him. Have you taken any pictures of his attacks or kept diaries of his behaviour. I know it’s hard and seems impossible but if you can start doing a journal it can help in the future.
Please be safe, you don’t deserve having to live like this. You are worth so much more than his wicked evil behaviour.
Take care lovely.
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

Hi there, I was in this spot in the beginning, although he didn’t work just sponged of me an my famliy, a ponce basically. I was scared of him as he totally intimidated me to the point of being a shivering wreck. If he ran out of cigarettes wo betide all hell broke loose sone times i went with out food i had enough just to feed my child and that was it. I see now it was just another excuse to bully me.He constant threatened to blackmail my family, he even attacked my dad who was then in his 70s. My dad cut me off forva while he said he couldnt cope with it all. These men have not limits or remorse for their actions and intentons. They’ll stop at nothing until they’ve destroyed us that’s the long and short of it. I’d call WA, talk through a plan of action. Get the police involved and have him removed from you house. He can’t threaten or hurt you family, let the police know what he’s threatened. Look up trauma bonding, harassment and grievous bodily harm. You don’t need to suffer like this anymore. I’d call to get advice, stay safe 💕💕diy

[Lisa]

Hi Chair Cushion

Welcome to the forum, i am sorry to hear what you are going through. It is very scary when your partner threatens you with hurting a family member if you call the police, however you are probably going to need the police at some point to either get him out or keep him out of your property and if you report the threats he has made they should take those seriously.

If you are not ready to involve the police yet that’s fine, you could get some support from your local domestic abuse service or call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 to make a plan that feels right for you.

It sounds like he is draining you in every way and you do not deserve to be treated like this. Well done for reaching out for support, you do not have to go through this alone.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Chair cushion]

Thank you for your lovely replies. I never knew there were so many different avenues, I thought ringing the police could make it worse for myself. I have been in contact with the doctor, I am on anti depressants and have regular counselling. I feel so lost, my mum knows nothing and I make sure I put on a persona when she’s around, I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her about it as I feel like a failure and I’m embarrassed, one reason why I haven’t rang the helpline. I just deal with the words and being hit and carry on about my day thankfully I don’t have children so it’s just me involved even though he’s constantly telling me he would change if I got pregnant 🤔. Once again thank you ladies for your support and guidance, it’s nice to “speak” about it to people that understand. 💕💕

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome, definitely contact your local women’s aid. Abusers try to get us pregnant to trap us further. As abuse victims we live in a fog. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Abuse thrives on silence. Please speak to your family. My ex was full of empty threats, that’s how they maintain control. My mum said she wished I’d told her sooner so,she could help. Read Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. The guilt and shame are all his, don’t carry that for,him.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi chair cushion, I found the Julia Roberts movie, Sleeping with the enemy a very good portrayal of DA and violence. For its time it was very good at getting the horror of it across, could you maybe sit down with your mum and watch it, it’s not the best of holiday movies to watch but it can speak volumes for us. They rely on us keeping their dirty secrets, it’s their guilt, their shame not ours. I’ve found since opening up, that it’s getting easier and easier to talk about most of how he treats me. There’s days I doubt myself and his abuse, but we we all suffer from that from time to time. What I’ve also found is that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and it takes others to see it and point it out to you as @DIY did in one of my recent posts.
IWMB 💕💕

[Anabela]

Hello and welcome to this forum.i can really relate to your story. And I also used to think that police would make things much worse. I used to admire every woman who escaped their relationship and was sure i would never be one of them cos i felt stuck. And we did not have kids either. But then I got police involved after his violent outburst and they were life savers. They were amazing and understanding and if not for them i might still be stuck with him.what i am trying to say that you are not on your own and not the only one having those fears and thoughts. Police is there to protect you and they take domestic violence seriously. I felt no sign of disrespect from them. I still feel so grateful for them.
A life without abuse is possible. It is amazing that you do have a job so you do have that financial freedom even if a lot of money is spent on him. As soon as I spoke about abuse my work became a very strong support network.maybe you could find an understanding person among collegues

[Autumnique]

Hi Chair. I have left my abusive partner only  weeks ago. I had to lock the doors while he was out of the house and ring 101.the police were fantastic I spoke to a policewoman who had been in this situation herself. I was lucky as I had to tell my grown up son so he locked the doors and told my partner he was no longer coming back.. But you can do this.. If you ring womens aid they will talk you through your options. Please stay safe xx

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