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This topic contains 18 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Silverfox 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #69153
     Silverfox 
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I’m so nervous about my hubby finding out I am leaving with my kids. To the outside world he is ‘the good dad and caring husband’. The good dad part is 80% ish right but he is most definitely not the best husband. I lost ALOT of weight this year and have got alot healthier for my wee kids and I’m bouncing with energy. Now that being said my husband and my mum and sister have not embraced the new me. For months i have been questionned about my whereabouts when not at home and of o tKe the kids away for day trips etc i am being rang/text and spoken to by all of them. Even the kids are being questionned. I have asked them all to stop this nonsense but it has fallen on deaf ears and to thw point where I have been accused of having an affair by them all…..just because Onhave lost the weight, and enjoy days out and away with my kids and I have 1 treat for myself- a motorbike (and yes majority of my mates are male bikers). I am savinc like mad to get my kids away from all this horrible verbal abuse. Any advice is greatly appreciated everyone.

  • #69158
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, your post has made me smile. I see a strong beautiful woman doing things for herself and then they get on her way. I can see you on your motorbike, that was my dream so long ago, guess what, my oh put me off and i trusted him, let his words into my head. I know the statistics,I’m not stupid. Have you spoken to anyone at WA, they can put an exit plan in place with you.
    Well done on losing the weight for you, well done on taking your children places. You can do this.
    IWMB 💕💕

    • #69164
       Silverfox 
      Participant

      Thankyou so much for your message. WA are being amazing so far. The exit plan is still on going. The hardest part is making sure my husband doesnt twig as he is ever so suspicious 🙁

  • #69166
     Halfwayout 
    Participant

    Good for you for the weight loss, we need confidence boosters and reaffirming that we are worthy of a life. Your thinking about yourself and your kids and your quite right in doing so because you’ve probably put him first for years.
    This new found confidence will be threatening to him, he’ll feel a loss of control and being seen enjoying time with the kids will also be something he won’t like, they’re not happy until your miserable with them. Try not to think he’s onto your escape, he probably is only feeling threatened and learn to play poker face, go “grey rock” my hubby hates the non-reactive me, I get called every name under the sun just to provoke a reaction. Keep planning. xx

  • #69167
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Grey rock is perfect because you still have to be in the same house with your oh, once you’ve left you can do no contact. It’s very hard trying to hide our nervousness about getting organised to leave, I’m doing the same and I’m so scared of what will happen if he finds out. It’s our strength and confidence they cotton on to, not that we are leaving, we wouldn’t dare as far as they are concerned. Once the scales fall from our eyes it’s very hard not to act the same as we were before. Keep planning, be safe and you’ll do this. Read our posts, write your own, it’ll gives you strength and knowledge and with knowledge comes power.
    WE ARE #21stcenturysuffragettes 💜 every step is a step closer to freedom😉
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69185
     Silverfox 
    Participant

    Thankyou so much for your words. I will conti ue to put on a brave strong face. My fanily have also convinced him I am having an affair1 not the case whatsoever but just because yhe majority of my (detail removed by moderator) mates are male, they have made him feel like there is something going on. They even question the kids after day out with me. Hust disgusting behaviour from them to me and the kids.

  • #69194
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Words fail me.i can’t believe your family are like him😠. Keep doing what you’re doing, it will give you the strength to leave and make a new life away from all of them.
    It’s a true saying you can pick your friends not your family.
    Take care and the best thing we can do is be happy around them, it’s very hard to do, but it makes them bitter.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69214
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    well done for being you and making the health imporovements. This is difficult to do at the best of times – not least when you are under the pressure of living under the same roof.
    It will stand you in good stead when you need to be strong to move forward.
    Even though I still have tough days it is truly astounding how even the hardest things I did before are ten times easier when you are free from it all.
    ftc
    x

  • #69226
     Silverfox 
    Participant

    thankyou for ur words. Yous r helpin me to b strong 🙂

  • #69234
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    The words are helping you to stay strong. 🙂 I can see from your posts that you have a great deal of strength inside.
    As has been said, your newfound confidence and happiness with your self and sense of independence may cause him to appear as if he’s aware of your plan. It’s unlikely he will be aware. They don’t believe anyone would go against what they want, so it probably wouldn’t occur to him that you’d really leave.
    Keep being you, enjoy the windy roads.

  • #69246
     Autumnique 
    Participant

    Siverfox well done on getting out. So proud of you. I left my abusive ex only weeks ago. He’s saying I was seeing another guy all along. And because I took my dogs out once on my own I was obviously meeting another man. He is saying he has done nothing wrong.some of these men are deluded! Sorry to hear about your family though. My ex did try texting my sons with a sob story but they know their mom and blocked him.these forums will give you the support you need xx

  • #69303
     Silverfox 
    Participant

    my mum and older sister keeps texting to say they dont deservethe silent treatment. And Christmas isn’t Christmas without the kids. They seen them  days ago and my mother hardly spoke to me and when it came to taking family photo, my mother says to my older sister, if u want to swap maybe incase u feel awkward sittin next to her’. (detail removed by moderator) they tried to make a doctor’s appointment for me behind my back. Thankfully i had that one covered and went to the doctor to check was i being a normal ‘mother’ etc, doctor said there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. That was their way of trying to get the kids off me. Hubby kept saying to me you’re not well etc and go c the doctor so at least i did. It is horrible my own family are being like this. Even though the seen the kids  days ago i received nasty emotional blackmail texts. Keep me strong everyone…..

  • #69311
     lover of no contact 
    Participant

    Hi Silverfox,

    Gosh your strength is amazing not to believe them and still very much to have a strong sense of yourself. You are right in not to try dealing with the 3 of them on your own (to get support and knowledge on here) and its great your children are not being taken in by them.

    The 3 of them are deep down afraid of all your amazing qualities that they lack and they want to keep you down and not let you flourish and blossom that’s where all the negative things they are doing come from you.

    Well done on standing up to them in your thoughts and mind. Yes best to not let them know you’re onto their little game. Put all your energy into staying away from them and focusing on getting away from them.

    Well done with the saving, the losing the weight and having your own interests, hobbies and friends. Keep taking positive actions that are good for you and your children.

    Its typical that your mum should give you the silent treatment when you last saw her and then texts you to say you are giving her the silent treatment.

  • #69577
     Silverfox 
    Participant

    One of my many questions is financially, howd did yous cope after yous left? And Did your kids adapt to life without the oh etc until contact could be allowed etc? And do you still hold onto the small amount of trustworthy friends u had?

  • #69580
     Halfwayout 
    Participant

    Hi Silverfox
    When I started this very long process of leaving, the fear of the financial side of things probably held me back from leaving sooner. I had catered for his & my kids needs for years, I had stayed in a low paid job with him also controlled all the finances. Im still in the same job but I know I can survive the money side doesn’t bother me now. I have to stop myself from having wee thoughts of improving myself once I get out.
    Can’t really answer your question on the kids adapting, my two are young adults, but I will say they have seen a different side of their father ; his true colours, and they dislike it, one of them actually doesn’t want anything to do with him, it hurts watching them hurt.
    Friends, you’ll find the friends that are solid gold, you will also get surprises, some who you would think would be there may not step upto the plate, I find the support totally overwhelming as years of put downs catch up on you. Keep that strength going and take it from your kids as well, they are your future. xx

  • #69590
     Silverfox 
    Participant

    Thankyou so much. My husband and family has really tested my emotional strength but thanks to yous, every day is gettin better 🙂

  • #69600
     Silverfox 
    Participant

    Any tips for saving money when leaving with the kids? Could do with loads of advice on even the little things that will make a big difference 🙂

  • #69607
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi silver fox, what I’ve done this year is to stop buying me stuff just fir the sake of it, that money I’ve put away. I also get PIP, which I’ve managed to not touch and that comes straight out my bank and into a purse,which is hidden away. My mum taught me that all women should have a rainy day fund, ready for me to leave one day. (diesnt matter what the rainy day is. I don’t think she meant a domestic abuse scenario, but Ive tried to have money behind me throughout my life. Which I did have, until my oh and I got together). I know once I’ve left I won’t have the ability to save as much, but will have a nest egg to start me on my new life.
    My oh IS generous with money, on the big stuff, tv’s, cars, buying a house, gives me money just for at times, but the little things which eat away at my money putting me past my overdraft, he doesnt listen to me, just keeps asking fir a loan of money which he’ll not pay back, and I can’t ask for as it causes such an atmosphere, cos he pays the mortgage and the cars, and its only a small amount he’s borrowed. I can no longer work due to health problems, he knows what I get is enough to cover the bills but I’ve managed to squirrel quite a bit away now. It’s ALWAYS possible to do so, just make sure you hide any well. I’m sick of saying I’m skint, it’s like a mantra now. I’m letting him believe I’ve only got enough to pay household bills, I’ll NEVER let him know about my savings this time. Because every time, EVERY time, I’ve used ALL my savings for something and have had to start from scratch.
    This money is my safety net, I will not be relying on handouts if I can, but I’m not too proud not to if I have to. We do what we do to survive.
    Good luck @Siverfox 💜

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69666
     Silverfox 
    Participant

    Thankyou for all that ❤️

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