I’m new and very confused

[Oceanastar]

Hi there
I need someone to help me get my head out the clouds and make sense of some things.
I’ve been with my partner now ex for (detail removed by Moderator) years, we have a (detail removed by Moderator) year old girl together. I left him for the (detail removed by Moderator) time (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago.

I isolated myself for quite some time however things have really ramped up in the past 2 years.
I might aswell start with the fact my ex had a major cocaine addiction which has followed him throughout his life. This is something I have never dabbled in or allowed so it wasn’t something we done together. I was also unaware of this when I first met him I only found out when I was (detail removed by Moderator) months pregnant.

Cocaine from just before the 1st lockdown in particular. It got that bad he was hallucinating.
I’ve had to have the police out. I’ve called social services on him I’ve been to his family, my family and nothing changes.
Some instances of what has been happening are to name just a few.
1: held me down looking for a sex toy – he thought I was concealing
2: concealed a camera in our bedroom because he was seeing flashing lights and thought I was up to something – without my knowledge
3: Facebook stalked numerous people thinking I was having affairs
4: accused me of shooting heroin – secretly took a video of me needless to say I wasn’t shooting up I was scratching my leg
5: accused me of being a lesbian with a good friend
6: thought I had another drug problem not sure what
7: thought I was a cam girl taking pictures of myself and doing videos for money
8: thought I had changed jobs
9: thought I was leaving work from a secret door
10: punched the wall, kicked the chair I was sat on, ripped the baby gates out the wall
11: threatened me with suicide when I ended the relationship
12: told me (detail removed by Moderator) he was going to propose to me after I broke things off
13: left our (detail removed by Moderator) year old and his (detail removed by Moderator) year old in the house when he went the shop – I was in work
14: constant accusations saying I wasn’t where I said I was – family days out that he didn’t want to attend
15: sex was only ever on his terms never on mine – I was forced however I was woken up in the early hours and made to feel bad if I didn’t
16: argumentative in a morning when I’d try and wake him
17: would leave me to walk in the rain, ice, snow with my daughter whist he stayed in bed

There are many other things I could note but I’ll be here all day long.
We started counselling in (detail removed by Moderator) because I thought I could save whatever was left of our relationship.
Fast forward to (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago I am back at dads. I have no idea if he’s back using but it was weird at home again and I walked out.

I know I have to leave him now, I know no matter what this is it. The pull has always been my daughter, I thought if I could make it work I could protect her because I was always with her. We have a joint tenancy and the car is in my name but I don’t have any fight left. I’m done.
I don’t know what my next steps are. I’ve walked out with a change of clothes but I have my daughter and what’s left of my sanity.
Since leaving he won’t let me and my daughter move in and him leave, he locks the door and leaves the keys pushed in. He has threatened to not pay bills and im getting constant messages of apologies and that he loves me. I unblock my phone for him to have contact with my daughter but he refuses to call her and says he can’t he only wants me.

I think im writing this because I’ve known in the past his actions are due to drugs. Im not sure this time but it would look like it, is this classed as abuse? Have I been abused? My family and friends are saying this is domestic abuse and not to blame the drugs for his actions. I have argued with him, I have lost my temper and I have said not nice things does this make me the same as him?
I’m so confused can you help me make sense?

Thank you ever so much for reading this.

[nbumblebee]

I wanted to reach out to you. There are many ladies on here in a much better position to help you than i ever can and i hope they will post soon. I think you may need some help this time have you contacted womans aid? They can help you with legal advise and support. Yes yes and yes this is abuse and like your friends say you cannot let his addiction over shadow the way he treats you, getging out is whats best for you and most certainly for your daughter my advise now you are out stay out sweetie and I can only imagine how hard that will be in still in my marriage so i cant really preach there but to me you were brave and strong enough to leave to know thats best for you and your daughter so now keep that strength and stay away. Reach out to womans aid who can and will help you.
Stay safe stay strong x

[Oceanastar]

Thank you for responding I feel so alone and so confused. My daughter is missing him and cries for him but he hasn’t tried contact not that I would hand her over but no contact is just hurtful. I know this is try and get be back.
Thank you for your advice I will take it

Stay safe, be strong x*x

[nbumblebee]

Hey sweetie, womans aid can help you sort contact for your little girl you can go through a third party so you dont need to see him if that is what you really want but if he has made no effort to see her then ask yourself does he deserve to?
Your daughter has you she has your love and you are both safe that is what she needs.
Xxxxxxx

[Oceanastar]

I totally agree thank you for helping me xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Oceanstar

Welcome to the forum and well done for getting out of this abusive relationship. You have a journey ahead of you and the forum is a great place to give and receive support.

The behaviour you have described sounds abusive and forcing you to have sex against your will is rape.

The abuse is not caused by his drug addiction. There are many drug addicts; they’re not all abusive. Abuse is a deliberate choice. He choses not to abuse others around him. He doesn’t rape other people. He choses to do this to you because you are his partner and he feels entitled to treat you badly. He choses not to abuse other people because he doesn’t feel entitled to abuse them.

You do not have to allow him access to your daughter and I would suggest that you get legal advise and do not allow your daughter to visit any drug addict without close supervision. It will be hard for your daughter to begin with but it is better for her in the long run. If her p
father wants access, he’ll have to go through the court and explain how he intends to keep her safe whilst he’s full of drugs.

Phone the utility companies today and get your name taken off all of the accounts with immediate effect. This is really easy to do. They just close the account and set up a new account in your partner’s name. Explain that you have left due to domestic abuse and they should do everything for you. You’ll need to do the same with your council tax.

Give notice to your landlord today and talk to your landlord to see if they will accept your half of the rent for the notice period and for the landlord to pursue your ex for the other half of the rent. You could also ask for your half of the deposit to be returned to you when your partner moves out but you may need to write this off.

Please consider calling your local DV charity for support. You can find them using the WA directory https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ They will risk assess you and help you to keep yourself and your daughter safe from him.

It’s also worth talking to your GP about the abuse and especially about the rapes. They will make a record on your notes which should inform your future care and may be useful if he decides to try and get access to your daughter. They may also risk assess you.

You should be aware that they may also want to risk assess your daughter as they have a duty to safeguard her.

Sorry, just reading through, this is alot of bossy instructions. I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you. Most of it is quick and easy to do and will prevent him from plunging you into debt.

Take care. The forum is always here if you need it. xx

[Oceanastar]

Thank you so much I’ve literally just walked out. I will get on to them today and make a start moving away from him financially.

If I have shouted at him or criticised him I’m not the same as him am I? I don’t do drugs but I feel like I may have made things worse. I can’t work out if that sounds silly

X*x

[Eggshells]

No, it doesn’t make you as bad as him. It doesn’t make you like him in any way.

Shouting out of frustration, fear, anger etc is an emotional response.

Abuse is different. When abusers shout they do it to control. They know exactly what they are doing. Your ex may have genuinely been angry sometimes. Other times he’ll have been faking it. Angry or not, it makes no difference. He intended to intimidate you and he learnt how best to do that over time. Even when his anger was real, the intimidation was well understood and well rehearsed by him. It was deliberate. That is very different from an emotional response.

There is a really good book called “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. If you’re abit cash strapped, I understand that it is available for free on the Internet or you could try your local library. It is definitely worth a read as it will make it really clear exactly what was different about his behaviour that made it abusive.xx

[Oceanastar]

Your wonderful thank you I will definitely look at reading this

X*x

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