23rd September 2021 at 11:21 am #131789[email protected]Participant
So, I am been with my husband since (detail removed by moderator). I thought all was going okay. There was so much I did not know, the constant spending on credit cards, the gambling. When we went out he would often pay, I did not know what card he would be using. He never really spoke about how much he earnt, or any details of what his bank account look liked, e.g. overdraft limit etc. He had a loan at the time, which he was paying off, still spending on the credit cards etc. (Detail removed by moderator). He did this without even discussing it with me.
In (detail removed by moderator), we decided to move into our first flat together. I have lived out of home since I turned (detail removed by moderator), this was his first time. I tried to guide him in the way of bills etc. We would sit down and work out what we brought home, what each bill was, and what money would would have left. He enjoyed putting bets on(detail removed by moderator), he told me he did (detail removed by moderator). He carried on spending like he did when he lived at home, spending on the credit card because he did not have the money in his normal account. I was blissfully unaware of it all. He would pay for my gifts (birthday, Christmas etc.) on a credit cards.
He proposed to me (detail removed by moderator), we had a date set for (detail removed by moderator). We were looking at venues, designs of cakes, colour schemes etc. We decided on our honeymoon (detail removed by moderator) Without me knowing he paid for it on the credit cards. When payment were due on the honeymoon I would ask him for some money, he would either take money out of his credit card accounts, or transfer the money from the credit card accounts.
Looking back now, all I can see is a relationship and marriage built on lies and deceit.
We found out we were pregnant with our first child (detail removed by moderator), we were over the moon.
My husband carried on spending on the credit cards, spending money on basically nothing, gambling. I would sit down with him many times to talk about our income and bills, writing all down. He was not be truthful at all.
We moved into a new flat (detail removed by moderator) We were getting prepared like normal soon to be parents. My husband earnt a lot more money that me, and was always in his overdraft limit, never out of it really. With a baby due, you would think that any man would get a grip and tighten the spending and maybe think about putting money into aside for when the baby comes, or when my maternity money gets less, he just carried on like normal.
We found out in (detail removed by moderator) that we were pregnant with baby number two, there were some mixed feelings from him, saying it was too soon as our first was only(detail removed by moderator). He suggested to have a termination, I was against the idea, even went to the doctors (detail removed by moderator), I sat there with the doctor and cried my eyes out. They gave me the information and left it down to me. Cutting the long story short, it was a baby girl and was completely over the moon having one of each.
We received a phone call from the housing people saying we can go and look at our new home, this was on our(detail removed by moderator). We were extremely happy. When we arrived at the house,(detail removed by moderator), with a garden and (detail removed by moderator) good sides bedroom. I thought we found a pot of gold (I was that happy) how lucky we were as a family. We moved into our new home (detail removed by moderator). (Detail removed by moderator) I had to basically tell them that I am pregnant with number two. I returned to work for (detail removed by moderator). My husband took his gambling to a new level, he started gambling big money. This was even before our second child was born, (detail removed by moderator). He managed to gamble nearly (detail removed by moderator). We had a (detail removed by moderator).
I never knew the real extent of his debt, and I was shocked when it totaled up to nearly(detail removed by moderator).
He basically told me that he gambled if we were to have a heated discussion or if he had a stressful day at work. He would redirect the blame for many things on to me. He has never put his hands up and took full blame for anything. He would promise the children something but not follow it through, and they get upset because what he promised them has not happened.
I am very over weight and my self-esteem and confidence are zero, and my husband brings home biscuits, chocolate, sweets and loads of other stuff that I or the kids need.
I am going to stop there as I could go on forever. If you have read it all thank you so much.
23rd September 2021 at 8:39 pm #131805LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum. It’s not ok for your husband to put the blame on you, you have done nothing wrong.
It sounds like you are experiencing financial abuse, it must be a really stressful situation for you. The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting, you can self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Thurs 9am- 5pm): https://www.moneyadviceplus.org.uk/fsl/
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat
Take care and keep posting,
27th September 2021 at 12:59 pm #131919qwertyluv01Participant
Hi I’m new here also and was just reading through your story. I don’t really know what I’m doing as confusion and pain is really what I’m feeling at the moment just because I left my partner for the last time (detail removed by Moderator), so it is still quite fresh for me. I’m so sorry for what you have experienced and to have a child as well that must be so difficult but you should be proud of being a survivor.
27th September 2021 at 3:25 pm #131930SuffocatedParticipant
Hi new to the forum and hoping for help with the physical and mental pain I feel. My family and work have been great but I have to wait for counselling due to a long waiting list. My husband feels my injury was an accident and believes a heavy work load and stress is to blame. Not sure how to cope with my feelings of sadness due to being the first time something like this has happened to me. Just wondering how to find the confidence to move forward with my life?
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