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    • #57753
      JayneAusten
      Participant

      My relationship was emotionally abusive rather than physically abusive. My counsellor called it “gaslighting” and although I have left and am starting my life again I just feel really low. At the moment I find myself missing the good times and feeling really lonely. I feel I have driven my friends crazy with my ruminations and still find it difficult to believe I am the victim in all this as I feel that on some levels I am a strong and independent woman. I also feel there must be something intrinsically wrong with me as this is not the first abusive relationship I have had.

      So at the moment I am feeling lost, lonely and bereft. If my counsellor and friends hadn’t supported me in the way they have it would be much worse. But I have a job that means I have to put on a brave and capable front even though I would love to crawl into a hole and cry forever.

    • #57757
      Janedoeissad
      Participant

      Have you done the Freedom Programme? It is very helpful in helping you see what was happening in the relationship. Some other good books are Why Does he Do that by Lundy Bancroft and The Verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. I found these very helpful in discovering what had gone on and why I felt like I did.

      Also I think to understand why you keep getting into abusive relationships it might be worth looking at your parents relationship. I have discovered that my Ex was just like my father and I became like my Mother was in their relationship. In a sense their relationship structure was my “normal” so I will always have a tendency to sway towards relationships like theirs. Their relationship was abusive and now I can see what and understand it, I have a better chance of avoiding it.

      You have been extremely strong and have left. That was an incredibly brave thing to do. You will feel horrible but that is ok. You will mourn the good times (I still do sometimes) but I remind myself of the REAL man he was, and him being nice was all part of the abuse. No one would stay with a man who was horrible all the time. Google the Cycle of abuse, its very helpful.

      Keep posting on here, the girls are angels and full of knowledge.

      Big Hugs

      Jx

      • #57919
        itwillbeokay
        Participant

        Hello,

        I read your message last night and just wanted to share with you that I could’ve written the same almost word for word. I left my husband just over (Detail removed by moderator) ago with our two young children, we’ve been together a very long time. We’re now in a flat having relocated to be near my friends and family. I obviously still have to have contact with him as we have children and I find it extremely upsetting every time.

        Like you my husband was verbally abusive. It got worse and worse to the point I just couldn’t live with it anymore. It was totally breaking me. There was psychological abuse too – I think, I feel muddled by it all – and threats and intimidation. A lot of it drink related but not always. I feel very low having left and feel lost and sad and like I’ve split up what could’ve been a happy family. But it wasn’t a happy family, it couldn’t possibly be with him behaving like he was. At least once a week in the final couple of months. I was always waiting for the next episode of dreadful behaviour in the end. But still I feel sad and lost and low and bereft and guilty and, if I let my mind go there, like I miss him. Miss what could’ve been had he been able to cut out the bad side to him. Like you I’m constantly ruminating and driving family crazy probably as when I relay some of the things that were happening- m – and I don’t say it all – they just think we’ll of course you couldn’t and shouldn’t have stayed any longer. I know I tried very hard to keep us all together and yet I feel like I’ve given up and taken everything good in his life away from him. He admitted he had “behaved badly” (this hugely minimises things) and had been verbally abusive (and the rest I thought!) and promised to change and never do it again – a promise I highly doubt he could keep and I’d spend my life waiting for the next time, but since I didn’t return after those promises he now minimises it to a few arguments, hot air and heat of the moment (his threats to kill me and my family members – a new thing in recent months). I have no idea how to proceed with him seeing the children without me standing watch and therefore having to see him every couple of weeks which leaves me sad and shaky and crying. I really hope I start to feel a bit brighter soon, I think I’m probably expecting too much but I can empathise totally with how you’re feeling so you’re not alone. I downloaded the book mentioned above last night – the verbally abusive one – to read tonight as I am on a waiting list for counselling.

        It’s very tough and I didn’t realise how badly affected I was by his mistreatment of me. I feel sad and angry with him that he simply couldn’t refrain from such disgusting behaviour of his wife and mother of his children. And now I’m the bad one in his and his families eyes for taking his children away.

        Anyway, much love to you at such a difficult time. We have done the right thing. We just have to always remember that.

        xx

    • #57807
      JayneAusten
      Participant

      Thank you J, lots of resources for me to look at, I think I need that rather than ruminating on what has gone on and driving my friends crazy.

      I think I know why I go for abusive partners, I’m not really sure it’s all to do with my parents’ relationship but it does have some bearing. It’s about being the odd one out when I was younger and never being given a fair chance then, so I am giving these poor lost souls the chance I never had. I have changed a lot since then and should choose someone who isn’t so broken they are incapable of love. At the moment the thought of a relationship terrifies me, I just cannot see ever doing that again.

      The freedom programme looks great, just what I need, thank you.

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