This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  UnicornSparkleHead 6 months ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #68012
     Unsureofwhattodo 
    Participant

    For the whole time I was with my ex, and for some time after, I had to be mindful what I would write down. Text messages, Facebook, my diary, emails, nothing was just for me. He read everything, searched for things about him, and punished me if he read something he didn’t like.
    For awhile after there was no chance of him getting ahold of my phone, I was still hesitant. Still afraid to talk about things or talk to male friends, afraid to write down my true feelings in my diary.
    But now, that’s gone. I’m not afraid anymore because I know he does not and will not have that access. I feel such a sense of relief to have my mind back and get to express my feelings. I still think about it all the time and get apprehension for a second before I write something, but I get to tell myself I’m free of all that. Free to be myself again.
    So that’s a really positive moment for me. Just wanted to share.

  • #68013
     Butterflyboo 
    Participant

    That’s great Unsureofwhattodo. Its so good isn’t it, to have that freedom (although I admit I still have slightly paranoid moments from time to time! 😉

  • #68017
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing. I remember having similar moments. Once you begin to break free from his controlling behaviour it’s like a lightbulb goes on. It took me almost two years to break totally free. Such was his control. I remember about six months after his arrest I was still moving stuff around the house fearful that if he saw I’d moved things I would get punished. He hadnt been near the home and had bail conditions yet I was still under his control. I wanted a small dog but was terrified he would hurt it. Again two years to realise he wasn’t coming back. So I know the depths of abusive behaviour and I know how big a milestone it is. May many others follow. You’re well on that recovery road x

  • #69099
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    OH WOW this hit me so hard. This exactly is what it feels like to me. I still feel scared of keeping a diary because he read all of mine, dating way back to before we were seeing each other, pointing out all the flaws and bad things my teenage self had done. I still get that feeling like he’s watching from somewhere, it’s so eye-opening to hear someone else say the exact same thing! I constantly have to remind myself that he isn’t looking, he can’t watch me anymore. And it is lovely to be able to write what you feel without worrying whether he will read it!

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