I’m not coping too well

[Eyesopening]

Hi,
I hope you all had a lovely Christmas.
I just wanted to talk, I have not been coping very well recently.
I thought I should be much better by now, it’s been nearly (detail removed by Moderator) since I left!
I thought I would be ok by now.
But I seem to have reached a point that I can just about carry on, but for the last few months, not too much progress has happened. I just wonder what else I can do..
I concentrate on eating, sleeping well, exercise.
I treat myself all the time, life it just about me.
I think living at my parents makes it a bit tougher.
I did 6 weeks of therapy from my Local DA services,
I am doing IESO, waiting for Mindmatters, to do EMDR.
I started again meditation,
What else can i do.. today I have been crying badly, I am so miserable, I really started to think life isn’t worth it.
it’s just painfull, I miss him, I wonder if I was wrong, I wonder if he was good deep down, I wonder what I should have done differently. Still.
Thank you for listening
x*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi eyesopening,

I have just commented on another post about the ‘nostalgia’ that comes out at this time of year. The media hypes it all up that there are ‘perfect families’ everywhere. If I could produce a family Christmas advert for a major supermarket chain it would be banned! Perhaps I may start a thread so that we can put in our ideas of how we’d direct such an advert of what really goes on in households at Christmas…

There is not much more you can do but give your situation time. In time ’emotions change’. You will not always feel this way, life really does go on and eventually we will ‘feel less’ or ‘feel differently’ about the things that are hurting us now. Allow yourself to have your down days, crying days, happier days, and sad days again.

There is another option for you, but I think from your post you have already dismissed it as one because you haven’t mentioned it at all. Have you considered reaching out to him and asking for another chance?

I think you have dismissed that as an option because you know it’s something you could do but ultimately it wouldn’t make you any happier either. If you haven’t considered it until I’ve just brought it up then consider it. What would being with him again really be like? Would it bring the happiness in your life you are currently missing? Would it resolve the loneliness you are feeling? Would it actually solve anything?

You may now consider this option and think to yourself “no way I am going back to him, how stupid are you to suggest that?” Perhaps I have suggested the worst option possible, but also, by being away from him is not a happy option either? Sometimes we have to accept and settle for the least ‘worst option’.

At this time for you, being with him and without him is making you unhappy, but which one of these would make you the unhappiest?

I think you are doing really well. You have got yourself free from a situation that was never going to give you a happy life or future, you are looking after yourself, you are seeking help, you are on here giving advice and support to other women by sharing your experiences with valued advice, you are actively seeking a better future for you and I think you need to give yourself some credit for all you have achieved.

It’s now nearly 2pm. How about setting yourself a target for today and do just one thing that you know you couldn’t have done if you were with him because he wouldn’t have liked it or had something negative to say about it? This may be something like

Going out for a walk alone
Having a long chat on the phone with a friend or family member
Spending an hour typing an email to someone you haven’t seen in a long time
Putting your pyjamas on early and lounging around with no make up on and your hair in a mess
Watching a film he’d hate
Read a trashy magazine
Spend some time on Facebook

Those are real examples of things I couldn’t have done when I was with my ex.

This time next year you will be feeling completely different, I promise you. Actually, you can come on here next year and let me know if I was right or not 🙂

xx

[Eyesopening]

Hi Wantstohelp,
Thanks for your reply.
I hope it’s just Christmas feelings, I’m terribly depressed and hate life right now..
I have actually been thinking about what it would be like to reach out to him. But I think how I would want him to be would be different to how he actually will be.
Though another side of me thinks he may actually be feeling exactly the same way. He could have had time to think. Realised what was wrong.
But thats a good exercise to do, to realize the lesser of two evils.
I think I would be happier to be with him then not right now to be honest.
But then i realise he would be drunk or stoned probably.
Then i think. Things were not that bad.. yes he had issues and I couldn’t really have a future with him. But it’s so painful.
I watched the Queens speech which made me sadder because she spoke about loosing her husband. It is like a lose.
I’m not lonely really, I actually crave some alone time..
I could do all those things when I was with him too, he always let me do what I want. Another thing that makes me think it wasn’t so bad.
Though if i watched a kids movie he would have a remark about it.
Though one think i can do is relax in peace without him making noise or wanting sex
Xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi again 🙂

So I understand that for every negative in being with him there is also a positive. This often explains why we can’t make a decision, or why we question a decision we have made. A decision that is good for us in the short term can lead to long term problems, or a decision that will be good for us at some point in the future can lead to short term problems. Either way, you’re d****d if you do and d****d if you don’t.

Two things stand out to me in your response. You think he’ll probably be drunk or stoned. Are these addictions of his? Can he go more than a few days without alcohol or drugs? Is this really a life that you would want for your future and for any children to be brought in to? Not only will his alcohol and drug choices be a financial drain on your income, the mood swings and paranoia that come with this will always be taken out on you (and any future children.) Please consider yourself worthy of attracting a man who does not take drugs or drink to excess.

The other thing is the sex. He clearly didn’t respect your boundaries and your decisions when it came to your sex life. Were you not allowed to be too tired, not in the mood, or just plain not wanting it? If you were, you wouldn’t have raised this as something you are grateful for right now.

Consider these things when you make your decisions, they’re not little things to dismiss at all xx

[Eyesopening]

Hey my lovely wantstohelp,
Your right, these were two big big issues.
You know what, after I replied I went for a bike ride, I haven’t been out much lately due to being busy, it getting dark too early.
I think I really needed that exercise.
So anyway on the ride i realised so much. I actually lived far away from my family when i was with him. Ok i could come back for a visit a few times a year but that was it. So normally i would be with my family for Christmas, but now i can see them all year round. That’s something i can do now.
Also i can see my good friends here. Also i can have the freedom to go out for a bike ride when i want, i can get on a train and go anywhere i want. When i was with him we lived in the middle of nowhere (his choice) if he was out with the car all day i was stuck at home alone.
I can now have baths as he moved us somewhere where the bathroom was disgusting(i paid for everything so we couldn’t afford anywhere nice) so another one, my money is now my own.
So there are many good things i must try to remember!
Now my health is getting better, without him..
Why is my mind always trying to play tricks with me, i still have to read my diary from when i was there, or my old posts. I wish i could just be over it all already.
Thanks for talking today.
Hope you have nice holidays
X*x

[Wants To Help]

Now that’s what I love to read, it’s so nice that your day has changed from the one it started out as and that getting out on your bike has brought on a new positive mental attitude.
There are so many positives that we overlook, just something as simple as having a bath or going out on a bike. Thanks for this lovely update x

[Eggshells]

Hi Eyesopening

It can be really hard after you have left. You’re right; just like the Queen, you have lost your husband. It is important for you to be able to acknowledge and grieve for the good times which you will undoubtedly have experienced as part of the abuse cycle. It is OK to feel sad.

It’s early days yet my lovely. You have loved this man. When you leave, you have to let go of the hope that one day you would have a good relationship with him and even though you know deep down that he never would have got better, it’s hard to let go of those dreams.

Exercise does really help. I was listening to a radio show which said that a 30 minute walk in the countryside every day is as effective as antidepressants. Im going to be honest, I do both.

Keep talking my lovely, hang on in there. Slowly but surely, you will start to feel better.

[Eyesopening]

Hi,
Thank you so much Eggshells, I really needed that support these days, somehow I just really needed to hear what I was going through is normal by people who truly understand.
Exercise really does help, I had some problem that meant I couldn’t do any and was in pain, so things went really down hill. Now I can get out in the country whilst exercising – it seems to be really great for lifting the mood.
Lots of love
x*x

[nbumblebee]

I think that maybe you have been so strong so amazing for so long its no wonder that you come crashing down and that maybe you just need a bit of time to hurt to feel.
None of this is easy for anyone and you are so allowed to have bad days as many as you need to re focus. Christmas always makes people remember their old lives, past lives etc it makes people reflect and can be really tough so be kind to yourself as kind as you are to us on here.
Walk exercise breeth smile love dance sing just be you because that you is just amazing really amazing.
Sending you lots of love and hugs x*x

[Eyesopening]

Thanks Darling, I needed some kind words from people who understood.
I am feeling alot better now.
I hope your ok.
Lots of love

[nbumblebee]

Glad to hear you are feeling better. Never ever ever forget just how amazing you are x

[TrappedButterfly]

Hi Eyesopening.

I don’t feel right giving advice as I’ve only fairly recently got out myself and I’ve been so close to going back. But I wanted to reach out because I feel so similar to you right now.

It’s so hard. I am also back at my parents and it does make it a bit tougher.

I think it’s natural to miss them. It’s so easy to think back on all the good times, the times that made you happy, when you’re feeling this low and think that they can make you happy again. Especially when you feel alone. But you need to remind yourself of all the low points, even if it’s hard to do.

I also meditate. I have done a lot of inner child work. I read a lot of poetry and have also started writing down how I feel which helps a lot in making sense of things.

But the main thing that is getting me through this at the moment… is just being allowed to be my true authentic self, without someone making me feel bad about it.

Just be you!! Embrace doing things without feeling like you have to walk on egg shells.

I listen to my music, or in his words “c**p” when I like.

I can enjoy my wine and cheese without feeling guilty.

I know it’s easier said then done. But look to the future because you deserve so much more.

Big hugs and keep reaching out when you feel this way xx

[Eyesopening]

Hi Hun,
thank you for the support,
Really sometimes I really need that, I need people who truly understand to tell me this is normal and your doing great. Thank god for this forum.
I had completely overlooked so many good things about leaving, I was completely forgetting all the bad things I had to put up with. That was not a life. I missed the fantasy image of him, the man I wanted him to be. It was all fantasy. The reality is totally different. Thats why it took my 5 tries to leave..
What kind of inner child work have you done?
Lots of love,
Hope your doing ok, you are doing great
x*x

[Hopefulgreyrock]

I hear you. I wander all the time. Its horrible. The pain. Heartbreaking pain. But you know you did the right thing. You know you did. Keep going. We can both keep going, along with everyone else on here. Its hard. Its so hard but its right. To leave, for it to end, that was right. You’ve got this! Ive got this. We’ve all got this. We can do it. Keep going. Hour by hour. Dont go back.

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