8th January 2019 at 12:11 am #70284NotjustmeParticipant
It’s been a few years since I walked out on my second coercive relationship and I still can’t move on. I don’t necessarily mean move on to other relationships, I mean in any way at all. I still have nightmares, I am still on antidepressants, I still relive the arguments and the violence. I replay things in my head wishing that I’d reacted differently, wishing that I could have been stronger and wondering how I let things get so bad. I recently found out that he has a new girlfriend and now I just feel riddled with guilt that I didn’t contact the police the time he raped me, or the times he threw me across the kitchen floor worse, the times he mentally abused my child. What kind of a parent does that make me? I should have shouted it from the rooftops what he was really like. Instead I fell for the usual manipulative cliches of, “Who’s going to believe you over me?” etc. The new girlfriend has a child and my heart goes out to them both and I wish she knew. I’ve thought about contacting her but I know I can’t, i’ll just look like the mental jealous ex that he’s already made everyone believe I am.
I could go to the police and report historical abuse but I have no proof except for a few family members who have witnessed him in a drunken state and some bruising I had which really could have been from anything. Also, he was clever, he left no traces of abuse. Made sure he only ever abused me in person or on the phone, never via text message. In fact, my phone actually shows messages from me actually apologising to him after he made me and my child homeless after after 5 solid days of abusive, drunken behaviour in which i was left battered and bruised and my child emotionally scarred! That is how thick i really am!
Anyway I don’t even know if historical abuse is a thing? And I can’t do it on my own, my family don’t let me talk about it because of the guilt they feel for ‘letting’
me live with that thing and not notice. I have no friends, that’s another legacy he left me with, isolation and distrust over everyone I meet. I lost contact with everyone I used to know through shame, embarrassment and guilt for ignoring their warnings. The warning signs that I was oblivious to because he made me feel so special! Pathetic!
Some days I feel like the only way I’ll get closure is by vanishing into thin air or by ending it all because I honestly don’t think I’ll ever get past this.
I’m sick of pretending I’m ok, when it’s just a couple of pills a day that keep me away from the edge. I’m sick of being “The life and soul of the party” (so I’ve been told) Of course, I live for my child but they’re rapidly growing up and will be leaving me soon. Then I will literally have no one. In the past I’ve deliberately not taken my medication just to feel something, like a tear but it gets so bad that I literally cannot work or even move for some of it.
I am not ok. I am scared and guilt ridden and confused.
8th January 2019 at 12:36 am #70285IwantmebackParticipant
Hello there Notjustme, I know exactly how you feel with the guilt you’re carrying with the way he treated your child. I had two children, I allowed him Into their lives, they are adults now and my son more than my daughter is so scarred. I wish I could not think about it, but there’s days it’s all I think about. I too never told anyone,about his behaviour. I stupidly thought he was being the dad, stepping into the authoritarian rule as it had always been my job to do. I hated my ex chastising them, so i allowed him to take over more and more. A lot I dont remember, I was on anti depressants then. Part of why I refuse them now I suppose. I need to feel! To be in control as much as I can. They managed to leave and go and live with their dad, I’m still here, decades on.
With the help of WA you can get the help and belief you need. even IF nothing gets done by the police now, you’re reporting what he did, so IF his new partner goes down this road there’s something in evidence already. Have you ever spoken to anyone about this? family aren’t the right ones, they have their own guilt to deal with. It’s not something that can or should be swept under the carpet now!
You are not thick, you were in a terrible position and didn’t know how or what to do safely. Well done in finding the courage to post on here, that’s a huge step, we’re here for you every step of the way. 💜💜
8th January 2019 at 9:14 pm #70350LisaMain Moderator
It sounds like you suffered deeply during that relationship and those scars may be difficult to heal on your own. I am wondering if you have had any specialist counselling or any support through a local domestic abuse service? as this may be something you want to look into if you haven’t yet.
You are doing so well just getting through each day and looking after your child as even those small things are an achievement when you are living with the effects of trauma.
We are here to support you.
Take care and keep posting
13th January 2019 at 3:06 pm #70620[email protected]Participant
This isn’t your fault that this happened. I’ve just finished the book freedoms flowers the effects of domestic abuse on children. Your so busy fighting your abuser daily they make it impossible to give your children a good upbringing or to be able to protect them from these men. It said that sadly in this situation the onis is put on the mother. It’s not your actions that have enabled this. The responsibility is on him, try not to carry that guilt around with you because HE rendered you powerless. I’ve carried this guilt too for so many years but I realise now changing the situation was not in my power at the time. To get out of an abusive relationship honestly needs professional help. Xxxx luv diy mum💕💕
14th January 2019 at 2:01 pm #70683freedomtochooseBlocked
Didn’t want to read and run.
It was not your fault
14th January 2019 at 2:18 pm #70684freedomtochooseBlocked
Hello Benson, well done for posting.
You can absolutely do this.
Many of us on here know there will be days like this. And then they pass and there are other kinds of days.
In the long run, and we are in this for the long haul, the fact that you are a mother who loves her child will be very healing for both of you. In fact you know, nothing else matters.
We are the new ‘normal’ – and every bit as brilliant a family as two parents (one of them dysfuncational and abusive) …
Be gentler with yourself, we are proud of you
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