I'm not sure if its me or him

[oaktree]

Ive not posted in a long time – things have been….fine.
Sorry this gets a bit personal
Everything always comes down to sex I think. If he doesn’t get enough sex then he gets mad and mean. I’m afraid i’ve not really been in the mood, for a long time….we have young children, I am up in the night breast feeding, I am tired. He tells me I am abusing him by with-holding sex, I don’t think I am, and I do let him so he doesn’t sulk or get mad. its not like he’s forcing me. I don’t really know what I’m even trying to say, or why I’m here. He’s not like he used to be – when I posted a few years ago he was so angry and I was scared, I don’t feel scared now. Maybe he’s calmed down, maybe I don’t annoy him anymore. I think maybe I managed to just put up with the sex more everything would be fine. He gets short tempered sometimes but I can cope, I think I am numb to it. I’m tired

I guess…..well it just sort of sits wrong with me, that I have to do things i don’t want to do

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi oaktree
It’s him.
It’s never ever about the sex when they demand it, it’s about exerting power over you.
If you do not wish to have sex, your response is NO full stop.
If he forces himself in any way even the tiniest gesture, you call the police! He has to know you are in charge of your body and no-one else. (well your baby is now in charge of your breast but that’s temporary and with love).
You are NOT abusing him. He is abusing you.
You stand your grounds darling and do not let him touch you.
Have you thought about which way you wish your life to go? Do you wish to continue to live with him?
I know it’s a lot to think about when you care for young children. Keep yourself safe for now and get through the breastfeeding time, I hope you get some long nights before long.
You could give a call to Women’s Aid if you wish to talk this through as well?
Sending you strength and wishing lots of rest. Take naps during the day ok. So you feel more fit and rested. Take good care. Keep posting

[fizzylem]

He’s forcing you into sex because you don’t want to do it, and only do it to keep the peace and avoid any conflict. When he says you are being abusive with holding sex, this is a projection from him, it’s him who is being abusive here. This is coercive control, if you dont have sex with me I will get mad or sulk. People have sex because they BOTH want to – this makes it consentual. You sound worn down with him tbh. Maybe call the rape crisis helpline and discuss your situation with them, I think you’ll find they will take a very dim view of what is occuring here x

[Greystripe]

I used to think it was ‘me’….what you wrote could’ve described the last couple of decades of my ‘relationship’.

I didn’t act in my own best interests, so eventually my body did…..I now have dissociative ptsd. Don’t think you can ‘just put up with it forever – it doesn’t work like that.

and apart from anything else, why should you have to?!

Also, stuff like this rarely exists in a bubble. Do some research / reading on coercive control, gaslighting & n**********c abuse; you may discover things about your relationship which you weren’t able to see before.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Oaktree, i have just written something much the same as you have here, and its not a good place to be. Like you I think I have been putting up with it because I am worn down, you must be too. You are breastfeeding and I know how tiresome that can be, but good on you for breastfeeding its a great gift for you’re baby. Men do not understand how demanding feeding a baby this way is. I also think an abusive man is most likely jealous of the connection between mother and child when breast-feeding and as boobs are sexual to them, the jealousy again comes from this. However, a good father will happily accept and ssupport you’re attention is fore mostly your baby, and so it should be.

When you’re tired and worn down, you give in its easier. Im not one to give advice as im still learning myself. What I have learnt though is you have personal boundaries, and you must put yourself first. No does mean no, a good man will realise this and accept and theres always another more suitable time, so to say. I think being pressured if off-putting and if there are problems in a relationship it can also put you off sex. I think contacting women aid etc would be good for you even if its to get your lines of boundaries clear in your head, and to discuss options, as you need to keep yourself and family safe. Don’t let him wear you down, your kids need you and you need your energy, your sound a wonderful mum and need to take care of yourself, love and hugs x*x

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