I’m numb

[Tinkerblue]

Hey everyone, I’m new here and just want to reach out. My partner (now ex) got arrested for assault on me, my son, (detail removed by moderator) and a neighbour on (detail removed by moderator). My whole world just shattered… I can’t get the image of him beating my (detail removed by moderator) son up, he threw me across the (detail removed by moderator)  and then went outside when all the neighbours were there and assaulted our (detail removed by moderator) neighbour. I’m so embarrassed I can’t face the neighbours, I’m trying to piece my family together (I’ve 3 children) my (detail removed by moderator) is shaken and won’t leave my side. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this x*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Tinkerblue,

I can understand why you are feeling numb. So sorry to read what you and your children have just been through. This is a lot for you to comprehend and process and it is all so recent. This is a very serious incident and I should imagine it has been classed as a High Risk domestic. A lot of support will be offered to you over the coming days and weeks and referrals will be made to Children’s Services. You are likely to feel overwhelmed with the different people who are calling you to update you, wish to speak to you etc, so can I suggest you keep a note book and pen handy and ensure you ask for the names of the people who are contacting you, what services they are from and what information they are offering or requiring from you. Do not feel pressurised to act straight away, tell people you need some time to take the information in and process it, and ask them to call you back later in the week, or take their number to call them back when you feel you have some time to speak freely.

It is human nature for good people to feel embarrassed and/or responsible when things go wrong with the people around them. Please be reassured that you have NOTHING to feel embarrassed about. The behaviour of this man was appalling, but that is all his doing and all his responsibility. Any consequences of those actions are his to face and his only. I should imagine he could either be remanded in custody for this or released on bail with conditions not to return to your home or contact you or the children in any way for at least a month. The police will have several enquiries to make, statements to obtain, and are likely to want to video interview your children and yourself.

Hopefully your neighbours will rally round you and support you. I don’t know how neighbourly you are with these people, or if you were quite private as a family, but now is the time to accept any positive support that you are offered and use it to your advantage.

Please use this awful experience as a time to positively protect you and your children going forward and do everything to prosecute this man for what he has done. Your children may feel guilty about giving statements if they know he could end up in prison, but this is a time where it needs to be explained that if he ends up in prison it is because of what he did, not what they have said. As long as they tell the truth, any consequences of what happens to him is not down to their truthfulness, it is down to his behaviour. I do understand that this is a very difficult situation for many people to be in, because in most situations, victims of abuse do not want the abuser to be punished, they just want the abuse to stop, but I also know that abusers do not stop their behaviour willingly. Sometimes, they have to be stopped by other means – and in this case, arrest and prosecution.

Your children are going to have a huge amount of emotional conflict going on in their minds. Both are going to have some sense of guilt that they could not protect other family members from the violence, even though they would never have been expected to. They will be thinking back (using that wonderful thing called hindsight!) if they could have done this, or should have done that, and perhaps done more to help. Yes, they will have been scared, and this may have caused them to freeze, and possibly add to some ‘guilt’ that if they hadn’t been scared they could have done something more to help. They will also be in turmoil about their feelings towards him. They will love both of you, but are now going to question how someone that they love can do something like this to someone else that they love, and who the abuser is also supposed to love. For younger children, this can cause them to question everything they know and have been brought up to believe. They may not know how to articulate this, so you really need to notice changes in their behaviours and personalities. Some become withdrawn, some become enraged, some start staying out all hours with their peers and spend little time at home etc. There are many ways, but you know your children better than anyone so just be aware of changes. It sounds like your youngest is currently clingy because he could be scared you will be hurt again and he wants to be close to you to ensure he doesn’t lose you in some way, he may have become your ‘protector’.
Your children are victims too, they are not ‘just’ witnesses.

You WILL get through this, but it is going to take time, and it is going to take you being kind to yourself and having an understanding that this is not your fault. Often we shoulder the blame for our partner’s abusive behaviour and actions, we make excuses for them and wonder if we have somehow ‘driven’ them to act like that.

Just take one day at a time for now, and make sure you also get some rest if you can as you will have a lot to deal with over the coming weeks. If you can find the time to stay on this forum and reach out then please do so too.

Take care, I wish you and your children the very best going forward x

[Tinkerblue]

Thank you so so much, your message has made me feel so much better about the situation. There are bail conditions and I’ve done everything I can for him not be around us, locks changed, arranged for his (detail removed by moderator)etc to be collected by the police, I’ve accepted the offer for the children to have counselling at some point when they are ready and given all evidence I can. I’m hoping the neighbours do understand that I could not control his behaviour this time but we are a family that just keep ourselves to ourselves, hopefully this embarrassment feeling will go away. I can’t thank you enough for what you have wrote and will keep reading it to remind me and I can keep telling my children that I love them so much and will always be there for them… thanks again xxxx

[Wants To Help]

You’re welcome Tinkerblue.

I should imagine that this recent event is not the first instance of domestic abuse that you have experienced. It is virtually unheard of that the police are involved in the first instance of abuse. The statistics say that on average, a woman experiences 35 incidents of abuse before she will call the police. So forgive me if I am explaining things that you are already knowledgeable of…

If this is the first time the police have been involved and/or he has been arrested and bailed, then please be prepared for the following actions he is likely to take.

Whilst on bail and possibly sofa surfing at someone else’s house, or back with his parents, he is suddenly going to realise what he has lost! Please DO NOT confuse this with him suddenly realising what he HAS DONE and thinking he is remorseful in any way. He will be only thinking of himself and the position he is now finding HIMSELF in and he will do ANYTHING to get you to ‘drop the charges’ so that he can come home and have somewhere to live again. He will absolutely not want to have to find somewhere else to live, start his life over or have to face the consequences of what he has done, so he will avoid doing that at all costs. So it may start of with him breaching his bail by contacting you to apologise for what he has done. This is to get you on board to start feeling that you have to accept his apology (we’ve all sort of been brought up with it being the ‘polite thing to do’ to accept apologies and forgiving people if they apologise – but this is not one of those times.) If his text or messages are nice ones, then you may feel that you can’t report this to the police as a breach of his bail because he’s not actually said anything horrible. Please report ALL contact to the police as a breach of his bail – and do not respond to him in any way, shape or form (no matter how much this might go against all of your instincts.)

Once his ‘niceness’ doesn’t work, he will probably start to show his true colours again and resort to the threats, insults, put downs and nastiness you know. He’ll start to blame you for the outcome he will start realising he may face. So if he is going to end up in court, he’ll blame you. If he is going to go to prison, he’ll blame you, and/or your older son. He will not accept that any of the outcomes is down to him or what he has done. If you are forewarned of this then you will be able to defend yourself better. It is part of the cycle of abuse. He is trying to wear you down so much that you just give in and take him back or do what he wants because it tends to be easier than keep on resisting him, but once he gets what he wants then the whole process starts all over again.

Stay strong Tinkerblue. Arm yourself with… knowledge and support. Absorb and understand the actions he will present you with and the behaviours of the abuser so that you know what to expect and you know how to deal with it.

There is a lady on this forum called KIP. Her username comes from Knowledge Is Power, and this is so true. She always recommends zero contact, and that is what your secret weapon is. If he cannot get through to you, not get a response from you, then he has no way in knowing what you are thinking or what your plans are. If he doesn’t know what your game is then he can’t plan his next move. You need to stay ahead of the game here and plan your moves to have the best life possible going forward for your and your children, to live happily and peacefully and free of abuse.

You will also inspire other ladies on this forum with your post too, as there are many on here who are having to deal with police procedures and they will draw strength from you and your experiences. We all help each other. Together, WE are Women Empowered.

[Grey Rock]

Hi Tinkerblue. I’m so sorry for your situation. You’ve already had loads of great advise.
If you haven’t already got it , it might be worth considering putting the Hollie Guard app on your phone so that it’s easy for you to raise an alarm if necessary and to help you feel safer when leaving the house.

Also, it’s probably worth changing passwords to online accounts just in case he knows them (esp any thing where you can spend / access money and run up debts as this is one way people can be sabotaged by a malicious ex, and on any social media and email accounts.

Rooting for you and sending prayers for you and your family and neighbours.

Take care.
GR

[Tinkerblue]

Thank you again Wants to Help, your advice is absolutely amazing and I just keep reading your messages to get through today, the adrenaline and shock has reduced a little and reality is setting in. Thank you for saying I will be blamed for his sentence because I’m prepared now, in the past I’ve always accepted that it was my fault for the violence, when I know that I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. I tried so hard for so long to hide it from everyone including the kids it’s exhausting. The police have said I have to ring them if he tries to contact any of us. In a way it’s like I’m talking about someone I don’t know but yet I knew exactly how he is … it’s just no one else did.
I will download that now GR and check my online accounts too, thank you xxxx

[Bettertimesahead]

Look at a non mol and occupation order too for after bail , for the longer term. Police bail doesn’t have as much power as court bail. The ncdv can help do orders for free. I know the numb feeling, my husband was arrested at our home after an incident. We had police , fire, and all my neighbors saw. They have all been v supportive. I 100% agree,no contact. It’s the 1 thing I’m proud I’ve managed to do.
Thinking of you. You will get through this.

[Tinkerblue]

Good morning better times ahead, sounds pretty similar to what happened here. Thank you for your message and I hope you are ok? Xxxx

[Tinkerblue]

I’m in bits again, just had to ring the police because he’s made indirect contact with me. Bail conditions have been broken, I’m so scared. I have a feeling he will come round I’m literally sat here in the dark alone and frightened… please tell me this gets easier xxxx

[HunkyDory]

Well done reporting it. Keep your phone charged and with you, don’t hesitate to call 999 immediately if he comes to your house. Is there someone who can come and stay with you? I empathize with the panic you feel. When I thought my ex was coming back (he didn’t) I was in a complete tailspin. @kip talked me down (she’s amazing) I was double and triple checking all doors and windows and even had a brush propped under the handles, I was frantic. It does get easier, and you’re not alone. I’m still getting some flashbacks over 2 years on, but milder and I’m coping. You’re doing everything right, keep posting and let us know you’re doing ok xx

[Tinkerblue]

I’ve only just seen this, thank you so much for your support and advice. Got 2 kids in bed with me, double checked the doors and windows. You sound like you are doing so much better, you are inspiring me to keep going x x x

[Bettertimesahead]

Well done on reporting it. I had to do it several times, still awaiting an investigation into last time. Have you contacted local women’s aid for further support and safety advice. I made my neighbours aware there was an order against him coming to the house and it has a police marker on it. Keep your phone on you. Are the police coming to take a statement?

[Tinkerblue]

Do some people just think the law doesn’t apply to them? It’s just unbelievable isn’t it!
Women’s refuge contacted me and said we’re sending me an alarm but haven’t, I will chase them up tomorrow. The police just rang they are busy and coming tomorrow now x*x

[HunkyDory]

They think they’re above the law.. you’ve changed your locks which is good. Just keep your phone with you. Try to rest, speak with police tomorrow. Let us know how you get on. X

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