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Dear lovely ladies
Thank you all. I got out (detail removed by moderator). I’ve not posted for ages but have been on the forum in my darkest times for help and to know I’m not alone. I never envisaged I could get out, even as I was doing it! Never give up, there is always hope. We have each other and they can’t take that away. Do speak to the helpline, it hurts when you can’t get through when you call in desperation but remember they are helping someone else just like you. They are amazing women and your call is important to them. Keep trying. I did the Freedom Programme in the summer too which was so empowering, just to share and be in the presence of women going through similar stuff. I also got help from a refuge centre outreach team. My family and friends too. It’s so hard to talk about things, but as you chip away the wall will slowly come down. I’m totally exhausted, I didn’t think I could ride the wave of arenaline that kicked in as i planned so kept telling myself the time would come to pass, I just had to go with it! Loads of obstacles arose but I kept going for me and my children. He’s trying it all now. But I’m aware of tactics so I’m staying strong. I got him out and am tentatively feeling peace instead of the constant anxiety. I know this is a dangerous time so I’m staying vigilant too. I can’t believe this is me saying I’m out. Really. On (detail removed by moderator) it seemed impossible so I was reading and reading on here. Thank you all. It’s been harder and harder for me to write stuff since I first posted when I realised I was in an abusive relationship. I’m incredibly grateful to those who have shared. Nelson Mandela said ‘It always seems impossible until it’s done’. Sending love and gratitude to you all. Just watched some comedy he hated and never let me watch, eaten treat things I love which he’d be cross about me buying, I’m listening to MY music choice now and using MY phone. And I’m going to sleep on the sofa because I choose too! Yet even though he’s not here I’m expecting a drama to kick off! So I’ve still a way to go and so have my children. But now we can begin to heal. ‘Never give up, never surrender’ (Galaxy Quest!)
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Dear Mimosa!!!
Wow! And hurrah! Just wonderful to hear and so thrilling to hear the differences already. Still flying that adrenaline enjoy to your hearts content you and your children deserve it
Good to know you still very much have your feet on the ground for keeping you all safe, and awesome that you have ongoing outreach support.
Very heartwarming. Do keep posting on your journey to let us know how you are doing. Enjoy chilling on the sofa!
Warmest wishes ts
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Amazing. And you got him out? It’s so important these men are the ones to leave so that mum and kids are not disrupted. Well, not as disrupting as a refuge. I found my recovery was in a cycle just like the abuse. So there was euphoria which was the honeymoon period. Then I got so very anxious, just like the build up, the walking on eggshells to their outburst. Then I’d hit a brick wall. Exhausting after the rush of adrenaline. I remember soon after he was arrested, driving to get myself a McFlurry then sitting eating it watching Grimm. In peace and quiet. So very surreal. Enjoy the highs and ride out the lows x
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Well done Mimosa. That is brilliant news. Keep posting as you need. Great to hear your success. If we keep posting and reading on here very frequently we gain knowledge, strength, awareness and we gain the ability to stop the abusive cycle. Only we can stop it. The abusers love it and want it to continue.
Well done, keep celebrating:)
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Well done Mimosa 🙂 and good for you. Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly hard and is a major hurdle to overcome, but you’ve done it.
As the other ladies have said, life after leaving an abusive relationship can be a bit of a rollercoaster and there may be times when you want him back, but no matter what, you will never regret getting out.
I know it’s early days yet, but I would like to issue one word of warning based on my own experience. After leaving an abuser, you are far, far more vulnerable than you realise, and this can make you a target for other abusive men who have very sharply tuned radar for detecting vulnerability. These days, DV professionals advise waiting at least a year and preferably two years before becoming involved in another relationship to allow yourself time to heal and become emotionally stronger. Apart from that, I think it’s good to have some time to adjust to being single, to enjoy your freedom, make new friends and develop some new interests.
Onwards and upwards 🙂
Lots of love, Copperflame xx
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Thank you all so much for your advice and support. Total rollercoaster ride, he’s doing everything I’ve read about others doing!! Like they get a manual on it. So I’m mostly one step ahead. Still scared though which is a good thing for now because it’s keeping me focused on our safety.
The sense of peace is amazing but mostly I still feel twitchy and anxious which is my habitual state of being at home. He’s been messaging the children and me, not respecting appropriate times for this contact. So I’ve had to spell it out and say I will block him if he carrys on. I know no contact would be better but for now I can manage what he’s doing I think. I still can’t believe he’s out. I just don’t know how I did it. Now I can focus on my children and our freedom from his tyranny. That would sound dramatic to anyone who’s not experienced this environment. I know you all know what I mean and it gives me such strength. My family and friends have been incredible too. Last night I was full of adrenaline again tidying up and on the phone to my friend until 2am just because I could. Never allowed to stay up, do what I want or call anyone before without major repercussions. How strange that seems now. All of the ever changing rules that bound me have just evaporated away. Yet they had governed every waking moment for me, to make everything perfect for HIM!!
Love to anyone that is feeling stuck. That window of opportunity will present itself one day. In the meantime get all the help you can, which is a colossal effort, just to say the word abuse, but you’re worth it and share and read on here when you can. I got to the point where I was so exhausted I could only read when I was rock bottom because everything was triggering me and I’m sorry I didn’t have the energy to help anyone else except with empathic and kind thoughts and love. I dreamed of being on the other side like all you brilliant role models who have done it and are living it and sharing advice and care. And now I’m a newbie with you! And Lisa is still keeping me safe, taking out all the bits that could identify me, thank you Lisa!
This forum is such a fantastic resource. We’re building a knowledge base, an encyclopedia of abuse and survival.
Please please believe it is possible to get free. Even after years and years of it.
Thank you all x
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Well done Mimosa, you have given me so much hope. I sit here in a state of shock after he has smashed up the kitchen this morning, pinned me to a wall but my throat and held a smashed piece of plate to my neck, pushed it in and threatened to kill me. I’m now doing homework with one of my children and getting ready to go to swimming lessons. It’s so ridiculous and so surreal and just feels so pointless. I just want to walk out the door and never ever come back. I’m wracking mu brains trying to figure out what to do. You are an inspiration lovely, keep going and be safe and strong. xxxx
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Thank you Lisa and She-ra x
She-ra, you are incredible. The strength it takes to go through that abuse then do normal stuff like swimming and homework like nothing has happened is immense. You are more powerful than he can possibly imagine (Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars – look what happened there!). Ask the universe for help. Maybe I’m a hippy but you need to put it out there. It has taken me such a long time on this journey. But the end happened really quickly and it was one of the most massive things I have ever done. I had a really special friend who said to think of it like giving birth. When I was most afraid, it felt ok because the gift of all my effort would be the birth of a new life. Sounds batty I guess, but she kept telling me you’re fully dilated, you’re crowning, push, breathe, rest, just the shoulders to go. It was exhausting and a huge undertaking of all sorts of emotions and things didn’t fall into place as I had wanted which scared me, but then the adjustments to the plan were better than I could have put in place. I would say what I did but the lovely Lisa would remove it for me!! I have never felt fear like it in my life though and I’m shattered but surprisingly fine! At the end of the day, all I was doing was ending a relationship, which I’ve done before with other men in my life, but I have never been in genuine fear of my life before – and that means it definitely was not ‘normal’.
Try and do or find out about the freedom programme. You can get the book online or bits of it for free online, depending on how safe that would be for you obviously or use this forum safely. Do a search for key words from yiyr experience, you’ll get some Eureka! Moments for sure. The more you can talk about this, the more real it becomes and then it’s something tangible you can stand against and ultimately defeat. Support is the key, call the helpline,you likely won’t get through straight off because they are sadly very busy! This threw me, but when I did get someone it was amazing. I couldn’t find language for what I was experiencing but the lady was wonderful. Talk and get knowledge because that is empowering. Then you’ll start to get your inner strength back. And then you can start to work on things. Got to go now to do homework with mine. I’m thinking of you and sending you love. You can do it. Just get knowledge and build up your inner strength in readiness.
Hugs x
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Hello all!
I’m out again!!!
I got out – then he crept back in – and now I am out again! And because of what he did recently he has to be no contact with us and that has made all the difference. The lack of chaos and the peace and calm is giving us time to heal. In the future I will set up an email address just for communicating with him because we will have to eventually communicate about the children etc.
The impact on my physical and mental health and wellbeing has been immense though and I feel like everyday is a colossal effort but I tell myself ‘I choose to do this’ whatever comes up. Better than living a half life being bullied and controlled by him. And for what? I would have done anything for him without him being so very horrible. I pity him in his inner world of weirdness, although on reflection, it was only directed at me and he could be ok with most other people!
This time I know all his strategies and hopefully I’m ready for it. I am lucky in that I have wonderful family and friends and also now lots of other professional support – the police have been brilliant, the officers knew about the freedom programme and coercive control.
So, I’m gradually finding who I am again. When I do something that I couldn’t have done with him around it delights me to have my freedom back, something like having a cup of tea with a friend, or reading a book in bed! Seriously, it was that bad! Power and control! ARRRGGHHH!
Love to you all and never give up x
Mimosa -
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