I’m out

[Plodding]

I just need to say that I told my husband (detail removed by Moderator) that that is it I can’t continue. I feel heartbroken even though it’s my decision as it feels aweful and sad and he looked upset which was so sad . However when I gave him my reasons there was still no acknowledgment only blame , how he is destroyed, accused me of having someone else and possibly planning something like emptying banks account, what ever I said he said that’s what I’m doing to him . He was so calm and u tried not to get drawn in to the potential arguments. I havnt told my kids yet and at some point I soon I have to and so worried about this . I’m also finding it hard staying in same house, Iv moved into spare room . Any advice or reassurance would be welcome especially about how to deal with telling the kids they are only (detail removed by Moderator).  I feel relieved but guilty and sad and feeling sorry for him which is bonkers thanks

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Plodding

its not bonkers, it really isn’t, its quite normal for these abnormal situations. Just remember you have spent all your time these last years prioritising and angsting about his needs, what will keep him calm, what will annoy him, and being told its always you causing problems.

Now you know its not you, but he has the ability to still plant those horrible little seeds of doubt in your mind that you must now block and instead plant your own healthy seeds of self-prioritising and knowledge that he brought abuse to the relationship so can have his guilt and shame back, all of it. Keep your sympathies for yourself and your children, you will need them to help to nurture you all back to wellness and freedom.

Remember also that being in prison can manifest in prison bars in your mind that he’s put there, you can now think outside of them, but, as he is still in the house, you must lock your door at night, or sleep with your children to make sure you are all safe. He is not to be trusted especially now he knows that its finished, if indeed he truly believes it is beyond all hope, and he could become more of a risk to you all.

Tell your children as soon as you can, he doesn’t have to be there, he is not in your life anymore so don’t consider him, unless it is for reasons of staying safe. Your children will pick up on everything very quickly even if they don’t understand it, so it is better they have a reason for their unsettled feelings asap and be given opportunities to ask follow up questions at any point. Be honest that its because its hurting you, he’s cruel, or bullying you, and that they know its wrong. Also that they can trust you to bring their own experiences to. Leave them to ask questions, keep it very basic and let them have plenty of air time for upset/anger/thoughts/feelings, whatever comes.

Keep yourself safe xx

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

Well done plodding, your husbands suspicions are just projections of how he thinks (abusers have certain behaviours and tactics and assume we have them too!) it’s not surprising he’s sad he’s lost someone good (through his own actions which he’ll blameswitch back to you classic abuser no responsibility) watch he doesn’t manipulate you into staying, as for your children you know them best I’m sure you will find a way to tell them what’s happening, but well done on your decision to not tolerate it anymore 🌟🤗🌟

[Bananaboat]

Well done, that’s a huge step. Their reaction is surprising isn’t it, I feel like my ex treats me like a stranger now, so cold towards me. At the time his reaction was all about what it meant to him, no care for the kids.

Be prepared for a rough few weeks as he tries every trick in the box. Not sure how old your kids are but they are resilient little things and having recently left myself I’m so shocked how different they are for the better. Having a separate room is a good idea, give you some previous space. Your mind will probably go into overdrive for a while but it does ease, it’s like the mind is decompressing and reorganising all your memories together, seeing things through fresh eyes. It can be very tiring so look after yourself. x

[nbumblebee]

Wow well done plodding.
Breethe keep that fire in your belly burning stand strong and tall and look after you now. Xx

[Plodding]

Wow these are really helpful messages . I have had a worry today with my daughter saying that I’m unkind and I straight away wondered if he had planted some horrible seed I’m am v concerned about this . The thing about mind going into overdrive is v true and the bit about how their response is . It’s reall like they are a totally different species it amazes me . This is so reassuring I don’t feel like I’m on my own now thank you

[Twisted Sister]

Just ask her why she is saying that you are unkind. If its because she has a sense of upset for her father being left by you, then its important she know that when anyone does what he does its ok to walk away, but it will be hard for them to understand all the while you live under the same roof. They will be less confused if you are apart, as the tensions could be so high living this way. He needs to realise that this is harmful to them, abusive, witnessing it. xx

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