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I have posted on here a couple of times before, my ‘story’ is named Unsure Again in Is It Abuse.
Anyone else who has suffered with controlling and coercive behaviour please would you be able to share with me your breaking point moment?
Might seem like a random question but I would just like to try and ascertain whether I am just over dramatising or if I am making the right decision….. -
Hi WW, sure, I felt like I was going mad, felt I was losing a grip on reality, I didn’t know whether what he was telling me was true or not, he lied to me so often and I believed him I didn’t know what to believe about anything anymore, I doubted myself and believed a lot of what he told me, I am the the horrid person he told me I was. When I started to feel like I was going mad I then also felt incredibly frightened to be around him as I knew he would use this against me, exploit this as he exploited anything he perceived as a weakness in me – I couldnt tell him any of my inner thoughts and feelings as he’s only threw these at me to twist the knife, so I had to get away from him to stop the angst, stress and to feel safe in my own home again. Just didnt feel safe being around him while also losing my mind and that was the straw…x
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The lies broke me. It might sound weird, but I could have forgiven the physical violence, but once he started telling people, including the police, the most awful lies about me, I knew I couldn’t go on. He used to threaten he’d get me sacked from my job and if he’d done that, I’d have lost the house I’ve worked for most of my adult life. I always wondered if he believed his own lies. His philosophy seemed to be that if he said something often enough or shouted it loud enough, it became the truth, no matter how ridiculous it seemed.
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You’re absolutely making the right decision, by the way. Ending it was the hardest thing I ever did, but staying would have been even harder x
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The lies thing and creating another reality is something I noticed. As soon as he says something then that is true no matter how trivial or conflicting. Like one day I lost an item and he said you are always losing things’ and I accepted that and he used it against me for decades. Loads more examples. I have come to realise that for decades I have been a complete idiot accepting everything he said as reality and he used violence and gas lighting and mental cruelty and financial abuse to make me do this. He is so convincing it is unbelievable.
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I never feel at ease. Can’t stand coming home. My son is scared of the shouting. I’m dead inside and feel like I could blow at any minute. I’m busy viewing houses. I feel so sad about it all but I keep moving forward with my plans and I keep getting little glimpses of excitement when I think about being away from him even though it’s going to be so hard setting up home on my own
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Escape that is my experience also but it wasn’t my tipping point. I had a very bad accident and sustained serious injuries. From the minute it happened he became angry and dismissive to me, incredibly cruel. By this point I was so numbed emotionally from abuse I was used to it even with serious injuries. But hospital staff treating me saw it and were horrified. Their reactions to him turned a light on in my head and I realised he was bad and wrong. The years of isolation during which no one saw him continually ridicule me, insult me, treat me like an animal, had trained me to develop a fog around my perceptions. The accident woke something up. He went on an exotic holiday, effectively abandoning me and I saw a counsellor to check out if I was right in thinking that he was abusive to me. It took a lot of sessions for me to pluck up the courage to ask her, which now seems crazy. But that’s what he did to me. I slowly warmed up to the notion that I was a thing, not a person to him, and he was and is abusive to me. It took a lot of help and views from many people to help me to bring my feelings back and be assertive and divorce him. Now I am painfully aware of my decades of denial, his extreme personality problems,admiration of violence, his sick need to coerce women.
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