I'm out safe

This topic contains 25 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #67416
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Hi all. I’ve managed to do this, I’ve moved. My children and mum all with me, distressed but glad to be together. He’s called me endless times, shifting from crying hysterically to accusing me of kidnapping the children, no surprises there, I expected all this. Now I need to be prepared for whatever comes next… I’ll keep posting. I thank you all for your emotional support and understanding. Only you can really understand me. Xxxx

  • #67417
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Thank you thank you so much for letting us know. I’m so so pleased for you and your children 😄😄 im crying but it’s tears of happiness. Bless you and God keep you all safe. Big hugs to your mum too. Xx

  • #67418
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Aww Iwantmeback, your reply gives me such comfort, thank you. Hugs and love to you too xx

  • #67420
    Profile photo of Lightness Lightness 
    Participant

    thelightinme

    You might want to block him on your phone or change your number. Continuing to talk directly to him gives him power and allows him to continue to control and abuse you – that will hinder your all important recovery.

    No contact or ‘grey rock technique’

    L x

  • #67423
    Profile photo of lover of no contact lover of no contact 
    Participant

    Thank God. I didn’t want to frighten you more but his threats were extremely worrying. Lightness gives excellent advice. Block him on every level. He’ll persist in trying to engage you on every level. Take back the control and block him on every level. This is the most dangerous time until he finds another intimate partner he can control and abuse. It will be easier to keep getting your distress than him spending time getting another intimate partner to where he had you.

    Well done to your mum too. She’s an angel.

    Keep posting for support.

  • #67428
    Profile photo of she-ra she-ra 
    Participant

    Well done lovely, you can wake up this morning in peace and safety. No walking on eggshells, no dread, no misery and no waiting for whatever it is you’ve done wrong now. You are so brave and such an inspiration. Good luck and take care. Enjoy your freedom xxxx

  • #67429
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Well done. A huge step forward. Please change your number. Any contact is toxic. Remember he knows your weaknesses and he will use them against you. Keep a detailed journal and any evidence of his continued abusive controlling behaviour. It will help your case. Also, report the effect on your mental health to your GP. Get it all logged. Stay alert and stay safe. Never ever meet him face to face. It’s tough at first but it gets easier with zero contact and time. Your local women’s aid are a great source of support x

  • #67476
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you all so very much. Police came round (detail removed by moderator) to listen to my concerns. They’ve escalated my case and asked for house to be marked. Officer said this is clearly a case of coercive controlling behavior and offered me to make a statement there and then. I said Ill wait until first contact with children has taken place, not because I want to protect him but because I don’t want to sabotage the small glimpse of hope of him having some sort of positive contact with the children. This is a contradiction, I know, because I also told police I’m prepared to make this statement as soon as I see more evidence. I think I’m struggling to accept Ill be opening up the criminal route rather than keeping it civil. This is hard. Moving out of my house was hellish enough, and now its being prepared for whatever his behavior might be… On a positive note, I’m accepting all support that’s out there. Work referred me to occupational health and have first appointment with Counsellor tomorrow. And it’s true, my mum is acting like an angel. I guess the love my family is showing proves that unconditional love does exist. I’ve never experienced that with a partner, looking back, my past partners were toxic too. One was physically abusive as well as emotionally. He pushed me several times until I almost fell on the floor. The (detail removed by moderator) he rapped me on the floor of (detail removed by moderator). I’m going to need a lot of work and time to understand why I’ve made these choices and how to protect myself better. But my focus and priority now is giving comfort to my children, security, hope. Wherever I look there’s boxes of stuff piled here and there, I’ve not even had a chance to find my basic clothes to change into. Instead I’m enjoying the feeling of just being with my children, without feeling the pressure and anxiety of him shouting at us and or ignoring our presence when he came home from work. No more humiliations, gaslighting, threats, intimidation, glares, emotional blackmail, Mocking, ignoring. But there’s a long road ahead until I finally feel peace. I told my eldest daughter that this is a long tunnel we have to walk. But there’s a light at the end of every tunnel. She said what if she gets lost in the tunnel. I replied she can’t. Because were walking together. Good night to you all. I’ve not met any of you but I feel you so close. I think of you all too and I hope your own tunnels ate not too long and that good genuine people choose to walk by your side and you let them do so. Xxxxxxx

  • #67479
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hello lightinme, i think we started posting around the same time, so i think I’m a bit emotionally attached if that’s possible. Together you can all get through this. Goodnight and sleep soundly, peacefully and just free😘😘

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67567
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you so much. Little by little I feel more calm. Everything is so peaceful and quiet in this house, even with the children playing and running around. They’re already showing signs of feeling more secure, for example sleeping better and having less tantrums. We’ve named our little rented house ‘the cottage of peace’. I’m worried about tomorrow though. It’s his first contact with the children since I’ve left. He’s been calling constantly through the day and night, literally bombarding me with calls and messages. Using the excuse of wanting to talk to children, but really just wanting to persuade me to go back and feel sorry for him. He still calls me ‘love’. A twisted thing he did yesterday was text saying I will pay mortgage from now on. It used to come out of my account. So I thought, that’s nice, I don’t have to worry about that and going to bank to explain my circumstances. But immediately after he texted again asking if he could put the children to bed and demanding to know my new address ‘for security reasons’. So he’s playing with my feelings again, trying to controlling again and using children as a weapon as usual. God knows what he will tell them tomorrow about me… So worried about emotional impact on them

  • #67571
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Please always remember these men are liars. They will twist and promise anything to get their own way. You do not have tohave any communication with him. He’s already shown you how he will use thechildren as a weapon. This is a huge red flag. I wouldn’t hand them over until there is a court order in place. He has every right to keep them and not return them. Please please be very careful.

  • #67572
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you kip. If he didn’t return them at agreed time solicitor said we would apply for emergency prohibited steps order… I hope it all goes as planned tomorrow… They’re so looking forward to seeing him. His family are getting together for (Detail removed by Moderator) so there will be the cousins etc. But it’s true that ge is a liar, I’m very aware of that. This is so hard. Xx

  • #67573
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Do you have someone to do the hand over so you don’t have any direct contact? You can also arrange a certain time each week when he can contact the children. Depending on their age. Get a separate mobile phone sim for that. Keep a journal when they return and note any negative comments from them. It’s going to be difficult. He’s going to go through every emotion until he finds one that works. Mine went from threatening to begging to crying to pleading to aggression in one conversation. Zero contact is the way forward. He’s going to try and get your address from the kids. Just stay y to distract yourself tomorrow when he has the kids. I used to clean obsessively but try to do something calming. Nice walk or bubble bath. Or get some 😴 sleep. It’s good your solicitor seems to be on top of things. Let’s hope he takes it seriously. Don’t be bullied by him.

  • #67574
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Yes Ill try all this. Still in the middle of sorting boxes of stuff laid everywhere so Ill keep my mind active tomorrow. Good night xx

  • #67576
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Good night. Isn’t it great not to walk on eggshells in your own place. To go to bed without fear. Soak up that peace n love. You’ve earned it x

  • #67577
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi lightinme, good to hear from you. It means a lot when someone who gets out, keeps us updated🙂 think that’s a great idea, new SIM for the kids only and journaling about them when in contact with him. As always be safe and just enjoy the peace. We’re always here to listen and share your joy in your new lives together. How’s your mum choping with all this,is she okay to? Again, jyst so happy fir you😊
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67620
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you Kip and Iwantmeback. Today was his first contact with children. They were apparently happy to see him but bedtime was chaos, all 3 children distressed. My eldest spoke to him and he broke down, so she said she felt sorry for him, now wants to go back to her old home, cried herself to sleep. Why can’t he just let us be in peace. I was agreeing to the children speaking to him to say good morning and good night but he’s literally calling constantly. I have no choice but to use separate sim card for days of contact and block his number from my usual phone like you suggest. On a positive note house is looking better little by little, number of boxes is coming down! My mum was quite emotional today after seeing children so upset. She said she’s not as brave as me. But she’s so strong and kind. She’s giving me all shes got unconditionally to help me get out of this. And my dad and sister are helping too. They all live abroad and not even in the same country. There’s no bigger love than that. And expecting nothing in return.

  • #67621
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    I’ve not found unconditional love in any partner. But I have in family and friends xxxxx

  • #67625
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    I’m so pleased you have a supportive family. Myfamily got me through my nightmare and I often feel sorry for Women who do not have that support. It must be really hard going it alone. Thank goodness for women’s aid. He’s going to emotionally abuse the children getting them to put pressure on you. You need to be strong and consistent. Children need stability. Just stick to the plan. He had his chance to be reasonable and he’s upsetting the children when there is no need for that. My ex abused contact too and I ended up blocking him. You’ve been more than reasonable. You have a right to an abuse free life. Take back the control. It does help with confidence in the long run although I know how difficult these decisions are. You’re doing really well. Stay safe x I remember staying strong for my son. Putting on a brave face and not crying in front of him. All the while my ex was putting on a huge act of being the victim in it all, dragging our son into the middle. It’s shocking so be wary of him painting you as the aggressor with the kids. Don’t be afraid to tell them how it is. I thought I was doing the right thing protecting my son by hiding his fathers behaviour. I now wish I’d just told him that his father was abusive and unsafe to be around and I have to protect myself. The NSPCC have a good helpline if you need to speak to someone x

  • #67698
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Hi again kip your advise is so helpful thank you. I can relate to all you are saying. All this is so exhausting, after getting out and all that implied now it’s about dealing with the hell of seeing the children distressed and withdrawn because of his behavior. He’s making them feel sorry for him and took them to the family home. They were in pieces last night, saying how sad it was to see their home half empty. I thought that was so cruel. Contact should be positive and fun. I’ve just sent e mail to him and copied my solicitor with an ultimatum. Either quality of contact improves under the conditions of avoiding family home for now and not breaking down in the presence of children, or contact will have to stop. I hope he gets that children are paramount, but all he seems to be worried about is his own pain. Have a peaceful and restful night xx

  • #67701
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi thelightinme, you are starting to sound stronger already. Look at you, setting out how its going to be in emails👏👏
    You’re so right, it’s all about him, not the kids. He has to put them first, if they keep returning to you after contact distraught and all over the place, time to put your foot down even more. You can do this my lovely, you can do this. 💜💜
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67771
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you iwmb, I hope the strength you talk about stays with me. I’m so busy all the time I’m worried Id break down once I sit down after emptying all the boxes. Today I’ve been looking at new schools and nurseries, there’s so much to do. But I notice little changes already that make such a difference. He used to stop me from washing the dishes taking cloth away from me. I was ok doing it and wanted to finish them but he’d make me go upstairs with the excuse of giving me some rest. The real reason was for him to drink in peace and take control of the tv. I gave up on watching anything on tv. I actually can’t recall last time I sat down and watched it. I forgot how to use the remote. Now I’m taking pleasure in organising my kitchen without the shock of finding a hidden bottle of whisky behind a cupboard. And I’ve called a tv company for the to come an install my chosen package. I look around me and I don’t have many material things, mostly toys, a sofa, table and small tv. And the house is rented, not even mine. But I actually feel more in control now, with so little to my name. Xxxx

  • #67786
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Your post made me smile. My oh has just bought another tv. We now have (detail removed by moderator) in the house yet only watch 1!! Im sick of material stuff, if it’s not clothes its shoes/trainers and coats. How many coats does one person need. I swear he has bordering over 100. Says he’s making up for what he didnt have as a child.(shaking my head) and dont get me started on tools, he can never find what hes looking for, cos I’ve obviously moved it. 😅😅
    I can’t wait to have a wee place of my own, without stairs, they are killing me now. I will be able to light my candles and read to my hearts content💜💜

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67845
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    I hope you continue to work towards a place of your own and you can take the step when you’re ready iwmb. Strength and love xx

  • #68035
    Profile photo of Apricotpoppy Apricotpoppy 
    Participant

    Hi thelightinme thats amazing well done to get out. I know its hard dealing with the aftermath. I hope you are enjoying some peaceful and fun times in your new home with your children. And the remote !! I am finding it so nice to have a movie night at home with the kids or watch whatever I want whenever. Take care and be safe xx

  • #68083
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you apricotpoppy. I was thinking about the famous remote today ha ha! It seems like regaining power of it means so much to us 😅. Now I understand it represents much more than what it seems. It’s a symbol of the freedom to choose over something without fear of the aftermath. I’ve still not managed to watch a tv program of my own because I’m sharing bedroom with one of my daughters. My mum is with my eldest, baby sleeps fine on his own. We’re trying to give the girls lots of comfort and then extra 1:1 time, they need it so much. It’s going to be a while until the feel the security of going to sleep my themselves I think. But I know one day I’ll go back downstairs to spend some time on my own, enjoying things I stopped doing a long time ago for the sake of avoiding his outbursts. Take care too xx

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