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    • #50988
      AppleNinja
      Participant

      Hello,

      A couple of days ago I took my little girl and left. Today is our third day in a refuge. I feel totally miserable. Much worse than I thought I would be feeling.

      I started a new job last week, a really good job, the best salary I’ve ever had and all that.
      But just a day after I started, he had a go at our daughter. She snuck to the kitchen at (detail removed by moderator), to get a sneaky chocolate. We were asleep but somehow he heard her, so he jumped out of bed – I was asleep but I kind of registered that he did so. The next thing I know I can hear her crying. So I got up, went to her bedroom and he was blocking my way to her. He was clearly angry with her and didn’t want me to be affectionate towards her. But I ignored him and gave her a cuddle and asked what had happened. She told me he pulled her by the hair out of bed and she landed on the floor.

      So I left. He says he ‘only’ grabbed her hair. But I asked my girl on several occasions to describe what happened and she gives exactly the same details every time.

      So we’re now in a refuge, instead of a good job I’ll be on benefits, instead of a nice forest school my daughter will probably end up in an awful inner city school and so on… I left most of our behind. I was able to grab one suitcase of stuff…and this laptop so I can complain to you all!

      We are likely to stay here for 6 months. 6 months!!!

      I’m seriously questioning if I’ve done the right thing by fleeing like that.

      He’s been calling me and leaving messages. I haven’t answered but I hear reports from a family member that for 3 days he hasn’t eaten, got drunk, stoned and also took some prescription-only pain killers (for his back pain). All this at the same time. Bad combination. His messages range in tone from pleading to talk with me, to describing me as mentally unstable and the one with attitude and temper, to some name-calling, to some provocative challenges to be brave and pick up the phone, to lamenting that he’s done for because he doesn’t know how to do anything (like claim a benefit and such).

      I now feel sorry for him and worried.

      The pain of all this is almost unbearable. I feel like I’m causing so much disruption and heartache and splitting the family up.

      I don’t exactly love him but we were together for just over a decade, so it’s a long time, so I do care about him. But what bothers me most is that he has lived an isolated life (being stay-at-home dad) and he hasn’t got anyone else. He will be alone and will have to sign on, and maybe even leave the house because he won’t be able to pay for it. I’m worried what will become of him.

      Right now, I wish I was there and back in the same routine we had around this time, sitting by the fireplace, reading and drinking ginger ale and him playing a game, and occasionally chatting.

      He is caring and the opposite of neglectful (he would NEVER be on the mobile while out with our daughter, he would watch her like a hawk) so in general it wasn’t so bad, if it wasn’t for his occasional hot temper.

      Sorry for the long email but I am completely all over the place and the only thing that feels a bit good (apart from my child and friends) is writing (because the said child and friends are all asleep and I’m not because I don’t want to go to sleep even though I’m dead tired).

      I am aware that no contact is the thing to do but how do you abandon another human being like that? He has no family, only his elder daughter from the previous relationship who lives a few miles away. How am I supposed to do that?

      The whole thing is horrible.
      I wish I’d never left but what else was there to do, I don’t know….

      Thanks,
      AppleNinja

    • #50991
      KIP.
      Participant

      You absolutely did the right thing and there will be other jobs for you. The first while is the worst but please block his number and any contact from him. Tell your family and friends you do not want to hear what he is doing. He is not your responsibility. He is an adult. Your responsibility is to your daughter. I can only imagine what he has been doing to her when they were alone. It’s amazing how they find a way to manage when they can’t leech off us. Don’t fall for the guilt thing. That’s just another form of control x

      • #51038
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hi KIP,

        Thank you for your message. All these messages of support are a real life-saver and the sense of connection with you guys gives me gallons of strength at the moment, as we face the same challenges.

        Considering things rationally, I know it was the right thing to do but the emotional fallout is so much worse that I imagined. I fancied I’d be elated and relieved and that I would rejoice once here in the refuge. Boy, was I wrong!

    • #50994
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi AppleNinja,

      You have made the right decision to leave and go into refuge. He is a risk to you and your daughter. You don’t have to feel sorry for him, he has not considered the impact of behavior and he has made the choice to be abusive. He is not caring to you or his daughter, what he did to her was child abuse and it is not acceptable.

      As mentioned, he is not your responsibility and you have done the right thing. It is not an easy choice to go into refuge but you did it and that is amazing. Remember how you felt when you decided to leave and hold onto that.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes,

      Lisa

      • #51041
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hello Lisa,

        Thank you for your message. Again, this is a life-saver, hearing a confirmation that I haven’t gone insane.

        But I do doubt my perspective because in the messages we have exchanged since I left, he says he is no abuser and he reminds me that he’s been making effort to not chastise our daughter when she was naughty and instead he talked to me about it. This is true.

        It’s confusing.

        Thanks,
        Apple

    • #50998
      cupofcoffee
      Participant

      Hi AppleNinja, just wanted to say I know how you feel at the moment, the guilt, sadness, such a whirl of emotions, but in time you will get some clarity and see that it was his temper that caused this and you are not obligated to him, he is an adult and needs to take responsibility over what he did, and it was not an isolated incident with your daughter I think?

      Did he feel guilt over all the times he was abusive towards his daughter? I don’t think so, it is only now that he is tugging on your emotions as you stood up to him and left, he did not get his own way which was for the family to pretend everything was normal, believe me I have been there and if you return to him within a few months he will only lose his temper again, it goes round and round in circles until you and your daughter are exhausted.

      Stay strong hun and remember that no good father and husband would dream of losing his temper, especially with a vulnerable little girl, his temper is inexcusable.

      • #51043
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hello Cupofcoffee,

        Everything you say makes sense to me.
        And no, it wasn’t an isolated incident.
        The reason this is so painful is that normally, the two of them have fun, he takes good care of her, she climbs all over him and things like that…. You look at them and think that’s so great!

        This is what makes it sad for me, because I know that no one else could be like that with her….

        Just sad…

        Thank,
        Apple

    • #51000
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      I agree with the others, you absolutely did the right thing and it’s normal to look back with rose tinted glasses and doubt everything. The truth is, he was physically abusing your daughter. If social services had got involved she could have been removed for her safety, which would have been so much worse than you being together in a refuge.

      However, you had a life with him and will now have to go through the grieving process for that, which is extremely painful and confusing knowing he is an abuser. I am going through that process myself, it’s very up and down but gets less painful as time moves on.

      He will be fine and like the others said, is not your responsibility. It sounds like he has used pity play on your for a long time so that you feel sorry for him and guilty, I felt the exact same about my ex, they excel at guilt tripping.

      You and your daughter will now have the chance to live an abuse free life. You are obviously a very capable and skilled person so will be able to find another job, and I do know that many excellent teachers work in inner city schools if your daughter does go to one. They are often young, talented and inspired teachers who want to make a difference so I wouldn’t worry about that side of things, your daughter will do so much better without him in her life.

      Well done for getting out and keep posting for support, I hope you feel better in the refuge soon and can start to make some new plans for a great future for you and your daughter.

    • #51045
      AppleNinja
      Participant

      Hi Sunshine,

      Thank you for the encouraging words. That really helps. I’m kind of clutching at straws here.
      I find it tough in the refuge.

      You say you’re going through the grieving process. Did you also go to a refuge?

      How are you coping with all that?

      I mean, my first days here are so chaotic, I’m having to figure out the most basic things (like: I made pasta but I haven’t got a strainer! ha ha!)

      And this sounds silly but I had a great collection of books that I’d built and lots of them were expensive items (professional or those big ones with illustrations and all sorts) and all that I had to leave behind.

      I attach a great value to them and now I’ve lost them….
      It will be a long while before I’ll be able to buy them again.
      Very dismayed.

      Thanks,
      Apple

      Thanks,
      Apple

    • #51047
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Apple,

      I wasn’t living with my ex and it was only a short relationship, so didn’t have to go to a refuge as I was just living with my parents. I have recently started renting my own place which has been a challenge (it was filthy with no curtain rails or blinds when I got it but I have made it quite cosy now after a few months 🙂 ) But I am grieving for the relationship, the hope I had. I thought I’d finally found someone wonderful after years of being single, it was traumatic to realise he was actively and deliberately harming me when I thought he cared for me.

      I can imagine it is extremely hard living there, it must be a trauma in itself and like you say, you have lost a lot and that is always going to hurt.

      Is there anyone who could arrange to go round and collect your belongings like those books? Such as a friend or family member? I have a collection of nice illustrated books too so I know how you feel.

      In the end though, all that really matters is you and your daughters safety. Nothing is worth putting you and your daughter’s life at risk.

      How long are you there for and do you have plans for after it such as renting somewhere for you and your daughter? Do the workers there help you make plans for the future?

      Is there anyone you connect with in the refuge who you could talk to? Sorry if I’m not helping much, I know I would find it very hard in a refuge too. There are/have been women in the forum who have also been in refuges so they might be able to help more if they see your thread. And ring Samaritans if you just need someone to talk to immediately, I have rung them a lot and they always make me feel better and help me to keep going.

      Keep going, you are going in the right direction even though right now it is extremely hard. It will get better.

    • #51048
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Also, this has just given me an idea. What kind of things would really help make it better there? I am going to put together a basket of things and donate it to my local refuge as I hate to think of all the women there feeling miserable and not having things that would help especially around Christmas. What about toiletries like nice shower gels and moisturisers? Do they provide good food? What about blankets and throws? It must be quite basic if there isn’t even a pasta strainer, that would drive me mad too.

      • #51137
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hi Sunshine,

        You know, it’s really good that you at least didn’t waste many years with this man and got out of the relationship before he could do more damage.

        They say people can stay up to 6 months and some girls I’ve spoken to have been here 6 months indeed. I can’t stay here for that long! So I think I’ll take matters into my own hands and start searching as soon as I can.

        As for the staff, I’m not yet sure how helpful they are because I’ve only been here for a few days and it’s chaos. But I’ve heard a couple of women complain about the lack of support. The impression I have from my interactions so far is that (and I’m sorry if this sounds ungrateful) some of the workers are doing this job because social work is an easy profession to get into and social workers are in demand, they are not necessarily doing it with conviction. But this may be a premature judgement.

        The main worker has taken time to speak to me at length on several occasions, I liked that.
        And one volunteer young lady is great.

        I don’t mean to be unfair but I’m saying this because I think it’s better to be realistic and prepared. Anyone coming here should be prepared not to be taken care of but to be proactive. That’s the impression I’ve got.

        As for useful things: it took me 2 days to realize that you have to buy your loo rolls!
        In this particular refuge, there’s lack of cutlery – I have to go get spoons and bowls if I want to make soup.
        (There’s no food provided – we have to buy everything).
        And, since we haven’t got much in a way of clothes, we have to do laundry often and we have to buy our own washing powder.

        We do have tooth brushes, tooth paste and soaps.

        So, anything that you might need in the household would be really useful. Cleaning products, towels, toiletries, washing up liquid, loo rolls….anything you need in daily life.

        And, of course, toys, books, linen.

        When I get out of here, I’ll be donating loo rolls and spoons!

        Thanks,
        Apple

    • #51049
      KIP.
      Participant

      Don’t be confused about what you perceive his behaviour was towards her. Our brains like to remember the good times. Keep that final episode at the fore front. You don’t know what he was doing when you were not there. I heard about a video of a man kicking and beating a dog. He walked away and the dog followed. Her small brain is programmed to think dad will look after her. Just like we were programmed. We were so happy when we got non abusive happy interaction. But the abuse was still going on. Children wear a mask too. Give her a big hug. All she needs is a happy healthy mum x

    • #51052
      duvetday
      Participant

      Hi AppleNinja,
      Just wanted to say well done for leaving your ex, it’s a really brave and amazing thing to do, not least for your daughter. It’s natural to be questioning your decision but like the others have said, you did the right thing.
      Also wanted to say that I was in a refuge too so I know that it can seem totally awful and that you sit around wondering what the hell you are doing there and if it’s the right thing to be there. For me personally I struggled with a lot of aspects of being there but I got so much support whilst there- I really hope you do too. I was so grateful to feel safe and i never worried about bumping into my ex whilst I was there. It can feel lonely and isolating being in a refuge but it is also a stepping stone to a new chapter in your life, one that won’t mean you living with an abusive person. I know it’s really hard but if you can’t look to the future then just take it a day at a time and do the things you need to do to get you and your daughter thru the day. (I know that’s also easier said than done..). I made a few friends at mine and so hopefully you will too. It took me a while cos I was such a mess and I’m really shy and anxious around new people, but there was something quite amazing about being amongst other women who were living thru this shared experience together. x

      • #51219
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hello Duvetday,

        Thank you for your message.
        It’s good to hear that you got lots of support.
        At the moment it feels like we’re more than less left to our own devices.

        How long did you stay at the refuge? And what was next for you, once you left?
        What support did you receive?

        Although I was nowhere near loaded before, I struggle with the fact that I have to watch every penny and I fear that I run out of money (I most certainly will) before my benefit payments kick in. It will take up to 6 weeks to get the first payment!

        Thanks,
        Apple

    • #51067
      Freetobethegreatest
      Participant

      Heya reading your thread was quite upsetting for me. I am in the process of planning how to leave my abusive partner. Were u planning on leaving before the incident? Had u written on here before? Reading your thread upset me as it reminded me of my partner. He has never hurt the kids but he does have a temper especially with me. Luckily i am a stay at home mum so he doesnt really have much to do when it comes to the kids but i would worry if he was a stay at home dad. I cannot (well actually i can) believe your partner pulled her hair simply because she got a chocolate? You have obviously done the right thing and i think u will realise this in time. Of course you miss him, your home, your routine. This is normal but eventually you will realise its the best thing youve done. Please dont go back. You have done so well finding the strength!!

      • #51079
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hello Free,

        I like to reply to everyone individually and I decided to reply to you first because of the upsetting effect my post had on you.

        Yes, I have been posting on here on and off for more than a year. My husband had assaulted me (I had no injuries – it was more like an extended and protracted episode of extreme intimidation, threats, smashing & throwing stuff, pushing and grabbing, screaming in my face, name-calling, plus 3 punches through a pillow; hence no injuries). It went on from one evening, a bit through the night and culminated at dawn.

        He had been abusive prior to that but never as bad as in this sustained attack. I had had thoughts of leaving him before but following this incident, I began seriously considering actually doing it.

        Very soon after that I contacted WA by phone and started posting on this forum.

        However, the leaving seemed completely out of my reach. I read other people’s stories of escape and felt like a huge weakling for not being able to take action for a very very long time. I kept putting it off and suffered major indecision crisis!

        I didn’t know how to go about it because he was a stay at home dad AND he was always in the house. He wouldn’t even go to a pub for a pint. It was very frustrating. In this respect, you might have a good advantage, you’ll be able to save some of your things. I had to leave everything behind, I only just about managed to throw random stuff & some documents in the suitcase in the short window of time when he had taken our daughter to school and I pretended I’m leaving for work later.

        So yes, I was planning for long time. Part of my plan didn’t work out at all – moving my belongings to storage.

        But lately, he’s become more domineering towards our daughter. Not smacking her, but more like barking commands and being on her case all the time. She had fun with him and he did try to be patient but I sensed that making all that effort to be patient was just suppressed anger accumulating and waiting to erupt on account of something minor.

        So when the chocolate incident happened, I was so incredibly upset that I couldn’t think of anything else but how to not be there, how to be free of that sort of stress.

        You are right about being worried. I went to work (my second day at a new job) and instead of being excited, I couldn’t concentrate, I wasn’t even interested in what my new colleagues were showing me. I realized then that every day will be like this, me worrying about what’s going on at home, not performing to my full capacity, being torn. It had already been like this for me for some time, but after the hair-pulling thing, it intensified.

        And so, I fully realized there was no point in carrying on.

        Here’s the thing Free: at first I thought he’d just be nasty to me because we had this baby and he adored her. So he wouldn’t be nasty to her, she was his daddy’s little girl. But he was increasingly harsh with her. I’m glad to hear your partner hasn’t hurt your children but unfortunately if he is so volatile, it doesn’t take much to turn his anger from you to them.

        And also, even if he’s not started on your children, they know their mum suffers. That’s in no way healthy for them.

        I would really love to hear how your plan is coming along.

        Don’t lose heart, at first I couldn’t even imagine going through with it, it felt like planning a landing on Saturn or something. It took me a long time to internalize it.

        If I was able to do it, you will too.

        Best wishes,
        Apple

    • #51069
      wheredoibegin
      Participant

      I just wanted say well done to, it must be incredibly hard to be in a refuge but hopefully they will help you come up with a plan to get everything back on track for you. You have the most important thing with you, your little girl and you are showing her a great example by getting out! I can really relate with the worrying about your partner though, I have images of him sat crying on his own, struggling get by, he tells me he will kill himself etc and I feel a huge amount of guilt. But like other ppl said a lot of it is looking at things with rose tinted glasses. Whenever you worry about him, try and replace that thought with what he has done to you and your daughter. He really doesn’t deserve to have you worrying about him. Just concentrate on you and your daughter and I wish you all the best

      • #51220
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hi Wheredoibegin,

        I know, right? He’s alone, he’s in physical pain (back problems), he calls me for help with sorting things out, he says he lives in a haunted house where everything reminds him of us.

        I do try to help (by giving him instructions over the phone), sometimes I let him talk to our daughter. But every time I feel so much pain. I can see why they say to cut off contact but it’s really hard for me to do. He’s still my child’s father and I know he loves her.

        Thank,
        Apple

    • #51223
      cupofcoffee
      Participant

      I understand AppleNinja but has he said that he is genuinely sorry and he won’t ever lose his temper again? Is he genuinely remorseful that you and your daughter are in a refuge because of his behaviour? Or is he feeling sorry for himself and tugging on your heartstrings as he plays the victim (bad back etc?)

      I think you need to start feeling anger, angry that you lost a good job because the day after you started the job he lost his temper with your daughter again, angry that you are both in a refuge because of what he did, anger that you have lost your possessions.

      And also please be aware that social services take a dim view of women returning to their partners when children are perceived to be at risk, please be very careful as I found this out to my cost.

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