I’m ready to leave but don’t no how

[Enoughsenoughs]

Hi I’m in a controlling relationship which is getting worse I’ve now got t the stage were I hate him and only feel relaxed when he is at work and not on the phone to me which he is 90% of the time. My children idolise there dad and it breaks my heart to watch them play with him thinking I’ve had enough and need to leave. He controls them to but they are at an age we’re it’s not as much of an impact on them. I wish I could just get my children and run. I’m worried about my teenage boy and how he will react if I leave my husband (he is my son stepdad) as he has a very close relationship with him. Then I think about Christmas and am I going to ruin this for my children if we leave or should I stay until Christmas is over. All I dream about is being free not having to answer to anyone taking my children on happy days out and playing with them down the park, I dream of going to the supermarket and not panicking I’m taking to long. I’ve really had enough but don’t no were to turn or how to get out

[Hope2021]

I’m in the same boat as you. I’ve been on this site a while but this is my first time posting. I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator). It’s not been right for the best part of (detail removed by moderator) and I know I need to leave for my own sanity and the sake of my children. He’s not the sort of person to just allow that though, he’s made that crystal clear as I’ve tried before.. which is why we are still together. It’s not even that I don’t love him.anymore, I wish I didn’t, it might make this easier?? He just doesnt respect me at all, I read the book why does he do that and he fits numerous categories…That’s when I really realised I’m bel g abused and each instance is highlighted tenfold ever since…which literally kills me inside…but I’m still here. He started with me (detail removed by moderator) because I took too long to answer the door…I must of been doing something whilst looking after our child musnt I? No way I could of just not heard the door. I wish I could just leave right now.. I don’t know what to do or where to turn

[gettingtired]

So sorry to hear of your situation. I can totally relate to dreaming of doing something as simple as going to the shop without feeling anxious that I’m taking too long if he’s waiting and be told off/put him in a bad mood with me. It’s worrying how normal these things become to us when I think about it 😔 x

[Hope2021]

It’s an awful feeling isn’t it. I literally dream of exactly that, shopping with ease etc. Even me going into the bathroom with my phone is a problem and let’s not mention social media!! We shouldn’t have to dream of things that should just be normal..what I can’t get my head around is why dont I just open the door and leave? If it’s as awful as I’m being made to feel what a dropping me? I’m so so scared of the rubbish I will have to deal with afterwards? I’ve been there before

[gettingtired]

@Hope2021 yes we should never have to dream of ‘normal’ things. I’m the same. At the moment the thought of leaving him is worse than the abuse which I’ve gotten used to I suppose. The worst part is I dont have any children/marriage/mortgage tying me to him! Makes me feel even more pathetic as so many women on here seem to only still be around because of those ties yet here I am. Have you googled trauma bonding? That’s helping me understand why I’m still with him. Hope you’re ok x

[Hope2021]

@enoughsenough yeah I’ve googled trauma bonding but I think it just made me feel worse about myself and the fact I’ve let this happen to me. I’i managed to actually take the leap tonight and leave with my kids..who I must return home tomorrow, currently staying with family and my head is all over the place, I’ve been awake all night and now he’s playing Mr nice with me over txt. My mental health is truly in the pan.

[Bettertimesahead]

I asked my husband to leave several months ago. Wasnt a planned thing, it just happened because of something he did. I had however thought about it loads of times before but then would think like you, I don’t want to ruin Christmas, or there was a family event etc. With hindsight I should have done something years ago. My children are adult but still at home. Since hes gone we have talked a lot and its only now I realise the impact and control he had. Dont let guilt stop you taking your life back.

[Anonymous]

this really resonates: i watch my partner play with the kids and think ‘how can I break that up, how would I ever explain it, how can I take them into the unknown?’

But then he reminds me: he doesnt like something I say so I get it in the neck or I have to carefully avoid passing him in the doorway in case he says I’m blocking his way and shoves me, or I see him glaring at me when I laugh with the kids, or he starts imitating my voice or or or…the list goes on.

The thing us for me I know I have to leave eventually because otherwise those happy carefree children will learn that this is what a relationship looks like. And then as they grow ill have to watch them continue the pattern.

I haven’t left yet but im making my plans and beginning to put timescales in place for freedom. It’s the only thing keeping me going.

[KIP.]

It’s so difficult to accept that the father of your children will deliberately undermine you anti parent instead of co parent just to make himself feel good. Kids learn from what’s around them. I stayed because I had. O idea I was being abused and I thought I could fix the relationship but it takes two and these men don’t want to fix anything. They’re having a great time pulling down every achievement and piece of happiness you build. Just watch when you’re happy how it provokes him, he can’t stand it x get all your ducks in a row and run for the hillS, take your kids, run fast and don’t look back.

[Enoughsenoughs]

Thank you for all the reply’s it’s nice in a weird kind of way to no your not alone. I really have had enough now and I’m making plans to leave my mental health is being so affected and I hate him for the way he speaks and treats me. I also hate how he has no respect for anyone and that he believes he is always right. I have money in my bank that is both of ours so I’m taking my half and I’m planning on finding somewhere to live but going away and being un contactable for 2 weeks just get my head straight my outreach worker said I won’t get in trouble for taking the children out of school for a while. I’m worried how my teenage boy will react when I take him away and take his phone but I keep telling myself it’s not forever and I will be free and my children will experience a different life where mum is happy and we are free to do as we want when we want. I’m hoping I’m strong enough to get through it x

[Watersprite]

Hello to you all. We delude ourselves that domestic abuse doesn’t affect our kids – it does. I honestly believed I stayed for them and protected them from it and he was a good or good enough father. Some professionals told me different but I genuinely couldnt see it and I have to live with the guilt of staying and the damage done to my children forever. Mine only really started speaking after we ran away. A man who is abusing his children’s mother is not a good father. Please get support women’s aid safe friends or family and reach out help is available to support you and your children into safety x

[Scapegoat]

I agree with Watersprite about children being affected. I was delusional enough to think that my son ( now (detail removed by Moderator)) wasn’t affected by the abuse at home as he did well at school, was level-headed and a genuinely nice, kind person. Oh boy how wrong was I. His head his massively mixed up, he overthinks everything, socially he lacks confidence and his self worth is near zero. This makes me feel really s*** as a mother. Even more so as I’m still here and still haven’t got the guts to make the move.

I’ve got the money, but terrified I’ll have to give him half and he’ll think I’m a devious cow because I’ve saved loads and my Nan gave me some to get away. He threatens to destroy me, lose me my job, beat people up, follow me, trash my car, etc etc.I can’t even go to toilet in night without being accused.
Am trying to persuade my son to come with me as know my oh will pick on him if I go. I don’t know whether to find somewhere to live first or contact a solicitor first. Not that I’ve got the energy to organise anything, I work full time in a professional, stressful job while he sits at home telling me I’m using him! He never goes out so don’t have chance to do anything and am so exhausted as he just constantly picks on me when I’m home.It’s sick.

Hope you find your strength, I would imagine Christmas isn’t that great at home with him so just imagine it without him…bliss

[Anonymous]

I’m in exact the same situation, like I would read about my life… And I can’t deal with it anymore. He is controlling me all the time. I cannot even buy myself socks when I need to. He got really angry yesterday at me because I was laying on the sofa and he had hot tea in the hand. I haven’t seen where does he hold it and I moved a little bit my legs. He spilled hot tea on him and started shouting at me that I’m stupid and blind. Now he punish me with silence. I still make for him food to work etc. And he just ignored me in the morning. Left a house without single word. Now this will take at least 2 weeks before he’ll start talking to me again. That’s all just sick…. I feel for you really. I don’t know what to do. Shall I start everything now? Before Christmas?

[Enoughsenoughs]

Hi so just a quick update I have a date I’m leaving and everything is now in place I’m so excited (and scared feel sick most of the time) but excited I’m going to get my life back and going to make happy memories with my children i have found that reaching out to different people and talking things through and seeing just how bad he really is has
given me the strength I need to be free I hate him so much for what he has done to me but most of all I hate him because I gave my heart 100% I gave up my family for him to just abuse me. But I can’t dwell on it and I’m not giving him any more of my time it’s now time for me and my little chicks to go and enjoy life and not let his miserable presence get in our way. For those of you who I scared about leaving get in touch with a out reach worker. Mine has been amazing and has helped to put alot of legal things in place with regards to the children she has also got a team going into my new accommodation to put safety equipment in and has but a marker on the house with police. for any of you have read my post I spent months reading on here thinking I wish I could be brave and strong so I can leave and the truth is we can all be brave and strong with the right support there really is 24hr support out there which I have used properly every minute of that 24hrs and just taking it through over and over again really dose make you stronger and come to terms with what we have and are going through there is light at the end of the tunnel so focus on it and don’t let him get in your way don’t give him anymore of your precious life reach out and get support. I will be back and fingers crossed the next time I post I will be free x

[KIP.]

Well done you. Regarding the money I wish I had taken the lot. I took half and never saw another penny because he lied from day 1 to his solicitor about the finances. Hid tens of thousands and lied about it. It’s impossible to get money out of them but you can always offset the money you take against things for the kids that he refuses to pay for or solicitors. You’re fleeing abuse, I’m sure if it gets to court you can make a very good argument x Just stay safe. Get all your ducks in a row, which sounds like you’re doing. Watch out for his flying monkeys and change all your email and phone numbers. If you’re hiding your address then go anonymous on the electoral roll. You can do this x 💪💕

[Scapegoat]

Ah so pleased for you, hope it all goes well. I admire your courage and determination. I nearly got close (ha!) and finally found the guts to tell him exactly how I feel- don’t trust him, don’t believe anything he says, don’t want to spend rest of my life like this, too undermined and exhausted to leave, actually told him in end he could have the house as I’d rather be homeless than live like this ( bad move to say all of this I know, but just got to that point).
Completely turned behaviour around but still don’t trust him, still feel uneasy, don’t believe anything he says ( including when he says he’s ill – apparently (detail removed by moderator)!) Just makes me feel even more like the problem is me and that I’ve got some kind of personality disorder. Know I need to go but still can’t organise it.
Good luck to you Enoughsenough, I hope you enjoy the happy life you deserve. 💕

[Watersprite]

Fantastic! It will be a journey and things will feel tough for some time but well done – you deserve this as do your children! Focus on Simple pleasures to get you through – I smile when I get into bed safe by myself laugh when my kids are free enough to fall out and not be ‘perfect’ Watch what I want on TV just no drama and a calm place to live. Take support. And to anyone who hasn’t left yet – please reach out you are not alone – it takes huge bravery to survive and deal with it- your time can come too. Safety first x

[Author]

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