This topic contains 11 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Scapegoat 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #114800
     Enoughsenoughs 
    Participant

    Hi I’m in a controlling relationship which is getting worse I’ve now got t the stage were I hate him and only feel relaxed when he is at work and not on the phone to me which he is 90% of the time. My children idolise there dad and it breaks my heart to watch them play with him thinking I’ve had enough and need to leave. He controls them to but they are at an age we’re it’s not as much of an impact on them. I wish I could just get my children and run. I’m worried about my teenage boy and how he will react if I leave my husband (he is my son stepdad) as he has a very close relationship with him. Then I think about Christmas and am I going to ruin this for my children if we leave or should I stay until Christmas is over. All I dream about is being free not having to answer to anyone taking my children on happy days out and playing with them down the park, I dream of going to the supermarket and not panicking I’m taking to long. I’ve really had enough but don’t no were to turn or how to get out

  • #114823
     Hope2021 
    Participant

    I’m in the same boat as you. I’ve been on this site a while but this is my first time posting. I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator). It’s not been right for the best part of (detail removed by moderator) and I know I need to leave for my own sanity and the sake of my children. He’s not the sort of person to just allow that though, he’s made that crystal clear as I’ve tried before.. which is why we are still together. It’s not even that I don’t love him.anymore, I wish I didn’t, it might make this easier?? He just doesnt respect me at all, I read the book why does he do that and he fits numerous categories…That’s when I really realised I’m bel g abused and each instance is highlighted tenfold ever since…which literally kills me inside…but I’m still here. He started with me (detail removed by moderator) because I took too long to answer the door…I must of been doing something whilst looking after our child musnt I? No way I could of just not heard the door. I wish I could just leave right now.. I don’t know what to do or where to turn

  • #114825
     gettingtired 
    Participant

    So sorry to hear of your situation. I can totally relate to dreaming of doing something as simple as going to the shop without feeling anxious that I’m taking too long if he’s waiting and be told off/put him in a bad mood with me. It’s worrying how normal these things become to us when I think about it 😔 x

  • #114832
     Hope2021 
    Participant

    It’s an awful feeling isn’t it. I literally dream of exactly that, shopping with ease etc. Even me going into the bathroom with my phone is a problem and let’s not mention social media!! We shouldn’t have to dream of things that should just be normal..what I can’t get my head around is why dont I just open the door and leave? If it’s as awful as I’m being made to feel what a dropping me? I’m so so scared of the rubbish I will have to deal with afterwards? I’ve been there before

    • #115152
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      @hope2021 yes we should never have to dream of ‘normal’ things. I’m the same. At the moment the thought of leaving him is worse than the abuse which I’ve gotten used to I suppose. The worst part is I dont have any children/marriage/mortgage tying me to him! Makes me feel even more pathetic as so many women on here seem to only still be around because of those ties yet here I am. Have you googled trauma bonding? That’s helping me understand why I’m still with him. Hope you’re ok x

    • #115283
       Hope2021 
      Participant

      @enoughsenough yeah I’ve googled trauma bonding but I think it just made me feel worse about myself and the fact I’ve let this happen to me. I’i managed to actually take the leap tonight and leave with my kids..who I must return home tomorrow, currently staying with family and my head is all over the place, I’ve been awake all night and now he’s playing Mr nice with me over txt. My mental health is truly in the pan.

  • #114840
     Bettertimesahead 
    Participant

    I asked my husband to leave several months ago. Wasnt a planned thing, it just happened because of something he did. I had however thought about it loads of times before but then would think like you, I don’t want to ruin Christmas, or there was a family event etc. With hindsight I should have done something years ago. My children are adult but still at home. Since hes gone we have talked a lot and its only now I realise the impact and control he had. Dont let guilt stop you taking your life back.

  • #115124
     Sande 
    Participant

    this really resonates: i watch my partner play with the kids and think ‘how can I break that up, how would I ever explain it, how can I take them into the unknown?’

    But then he reminds me: he doesnt like something I say so I get it in the neck or I have to carefully avoid passing him in the doorway in case he says I’m blocking his way and shoves me, or I see him glaring at me when I laugh with the kids, or he starts imitating my voice or or or…the list goes on.

    The thing us for me I know I have to leave eventually because otherwise those happy carefree children will learn that this is what a relationship looks like. And then as they grow ill have to watch them continue the pattern.

    I haven’t left yet but im making my plans and beginning to put timescales in place for freedom. It’s the only thing keeping me going.

  • #115158
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s so difficult to accept that the father of your children will deliberately undermine you anti parent instead of co parent just to make himself feel good. Kids learn from what’s around them. I stayed because I had. O idea I was being abused and I thought I could fix the relationship but it takes two and these men don’t want to fix anything. They’re having a great time pulling down every achievement and piece of happiness you build. Just watch when you’re happy how it provokes him, he can’t stand it x get all your ducks in a row and run for the hillS, take your kids, run fast and don’t look back.

  • #115223
     Enoughsenoughs 
    Participant

    Thank you for all the reply’s it’s nice in a weird kind of way to no your not alone. I really have had enough now and I’m making plans to leave my mental health is being so affected and I hate him for the way he speaks and treats me. I also hate how he has no respect for anyone and that he believes he is always right. I have money in my bank that is both of ours so I’m taking my half and I’m planning on finding somewhere to live but going away and being un contactable for 2 weeks just get my head straight my outreach worker said I won’t get in trouble for taking the children out of school for a while. I’m worried how my teenage boy will react when I take him away and take his phone but I keep telling myself it’s not forever and I will be free and my children will experience a different life where mum is happy and we are free to do as we want when we want. I’m hoping I’m strong enough to get through it x

  • #115297
     Watersprite 
    Participant

    Hello to you all. We delude ourselves that domestic abuse doesn’t affect our kids – it does. I honestly believed I stayed for them and protected them from it and he was a good or good enough father. Some professionals told me different but I genuinely couldnt see it and I have to live with the guilt of staying and the damage done to my children forever. Mine only really started speaking after we ran away. A man who is abusing his children’s mother is not a good father. Please get support women’s aid safe friends or family and reach out help is available to support you and your children into safety x

  • #115331
     Scapegoat 
    Participant

    I agree with Watersprite about children being affected. I was delusional enough to think that my son ( now (detail removed by Moderator)) wasn’t affected by the abuse at home as he did well at school, was level-headed and a genuinely nice, kind person. Oh boy how wrong was I. His head his massively mixed up, he overthinks everything, socially he lacks confidence and his self worth is near zero. This makes me feel really s*** as a mother. Even more so as I’m still here and still haven’t got the guts to make the move.

    I’ve got the money, but terrified I’ll have to give him half and he’ll think I’m a devious cow because I’ve saved loads and my Nan gave me some to get away. He threatens to destroy me, lose me my job, beat people up, follow me, trash my car, etc etc.I can’t even go to toilet in night without being accused.
    Am trying to persuade my son to come with me as know my oh will pick on him if I go. I don’t know whether to find somewhere to live first or contact a solicitor first. Not that I’ve got the energy to organise anything, I work full time in a professional, stressful job while he sits at home telling me I’m using him! He never goes out so don’t have chance to do anything and am so exhausted as he just constantly picks on me when I’m home.It’s sick.

    Hope you find your strength, I would imagine Christmas isn’t that great at home with him so just imagine it without him…bliss

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