I’m really confused

[asamilee]

For context: When I was (removed by moderator) I lost my virginity to this guy (lets call him Dan) that I knew my (removed by moderator) was into and had been for years, I was wrong for it I know now. I also had a boyfriend that wasn’t him, I was wrong for that too.

This was (removed by moderator) ago and I don’t remember much but I feel like it bothers me enough that maybe I should say something. I really wanted to have sex with Dan but he had a girlfriend he was on and off with so I would keep trying to break them up or get him to cheat, wrong again lol. But eventually they broke up and he’d invited me to hang out with him and his friend. He kept offering me weed and I think I said i didn’t feel like smoking that day but I don’t really remember. We were in the car and he kept offering so I smoked a little then he offered again and again until I didn’t really have an idea of where I was esp bc we were in the car. Then I remember going to his friends house who I didn’t know and was really weird then we got back in the car and there were more guys I didn’t know. I was laying on his lap and he started rubbing between my legs. Then i guess his friend drove us to (removed by moderator) and he asked if I wanted too had sex with him. I said yes so we both got out the car and went in the house. He asked if it was my first time and I said yes and as he was taking my clothes off he asked me to (removed by moderator) that it was ok.
At the time I thought it was sweet but now i’m not as sure. I still didnt really have an idea of where I was. And now a year later he dates my (removed by moderator) and she suddenly cut me off even though i told her everything back when it happened. I said all that to ask.. I can’t tell if I feel guilty and am trying to shift the blame to him and I just regret it or that was actually assault or rape or all of the above. And if that was sexual assault what am I supposed to do about it?
It bothers me so I’m thinking maybe the latter, sometimes it’s hard for me to masturbate because when I think of sex I think of him. And I dont want to have casual sex anymore.

[Eggshells]

Hi asamilee, The laws around consent are really blurred. To get the best advice, it might be helpful for you to speak to someone who deals with this day in day out. I would recommend that you give rape crisis a call. They may be able to help you.

[Whodat]

Hi, I think as above maybe phone rape crisis to clarify. From what I’ve read you stated you wanted to have sex with him, you actively chased him and tried to get him to cheat with you, you consented when he asked you twice.

[Camel]

Hi Asamilee

Do you have to do anything about it? I mean, I’m sure there are many women who get drunk/stoned and have a ‘one night stand’. Maybe we wake up not sure how we got there, not sure what actually happened, regret the whole thing. But that doesn’t make it rape or assault. It would be rape if you had no recollection of consent. Or the capacity to consent. But, being frank, you were willing, actively pursued him and consented.

If you think you may have been assaulted by his friends, that’s a different story. Ultimately it would be hard to prove but perhaps something you could talk about with Rape Crisis?

Maybe you need to forgive yourself for what you accept now was probably shoddy behaviour (forcing the break up, for example.) But none of us perfect and we’ve all done things were ashamed of.

Talk about all this with a professional and I’m sure the memories will fade.

[Author]

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