I’m really struggling please help.

[Orchidblue]

Hi
I havnt posted on here for a while been busy but I can’t stop thinking I’ve made a real bad decision about my ex I miss him so much even though he treated me like c**p at times with his nasty ness myself and 2 of my 3 boys have covid and I’m not doing to well with UTI asked my ex to come and look after the boys so me and my kids could isolate as instructed but he’s refused he’d rather be there for (detail removed by moderator) I am so angry and hate him for this he’s been living with (detail removed by moderator) since he left as he looks after her kids whilst she works. I am really struggling with this covid and trying to look after me and them is Dan near impossible I have no one I feel so depleted I suffer with depression and anxiety and always think the absolute worst of this covid. He’s not even asked how we are or anything am I stupid? Cus I feel like a complete waste of space. I just think if he was here he could look after the boys and I could look after myself. I’m lonely and desperate. So very sorry for the long moaning post

[KIP.]

Hey I’m sorry you’re going through this and he is not stepping up to his responsibility. Sadly he never has and never will. Looking to him for support isn’t going to work out because even if he did support you it would come at a price. Maybe it’s more that you miss being in a relationship and that mutual support rather than actually missing him as a person because the reality is he won’t ever be the support you need and this proves it as if you need proof. Knuckle down, this too shall pass.

[Orchidblue]

Hi Kip

Thank you for replying I’m just an absolute mess atm my one lad is quite poorly with covid and I’m so weak in myself I can’t even function to keep on top of the house I just feel so isolated more than normal and I worry over my kids like no tomorrow.
You words make a lot of sense and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. He knows I’m in a mess so he may even think that he’s punishing me by not helping with our kids.

[KIP.]

I was wondering if any local charities can help? Covid charities or local volunteers. Talk to WA or ring your MPs office tomorrow or your GP surgery.

[Darcy]

Hi Beautiful angel… Orchidblue,
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling and not feeling well
When we are ill everything seems like such a task and we are naturally out of balance in our body so its no wonder everything is difficult and we are more sensitive
I would say get the focus on yourself. I know this sounds selfish when your children are poorly too but without you strong they will suffer even more
It is clear that your ex is no help so as hard as this is… accept it and move on with doing you
Don’t worry about the house work, I am sure the ‘tidy police’ wont be coming round anytime soon. Do the essential stuff and then get back to getting you well again
Make sure your are getting good quality sleep so your body can rest and heal and that you are feeding your body what it needs to get better
KIP is right, this will pass but you are feeling under the weather right now so go easy on yourself
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Wiseafter]

Hey Orchidblue, Hope you are OK, I know you sent this post a little while ago so hope you and the kids are on the mend, sending you love. I used to be so bitter towards my ex because he never stepped up and deliberately avoided all childcare after we split and never gave me a penny. I had three kids on my own and over time I just stopped having any expectations of him at all, almost as if he didn’t exist. I just pretended he was gone and that was that. Yes it was really hard work but overall things changed for the better because I had no choice but to step up but I was in control and did it all in my own time, at my own pace. When you are in a dark place and sick you need help. Please do see if you can find some local organisations to help you. Gingerbread maybe? Speak to your GP too. I had to reach out sometimes and that way I found other people who needed my help and visa versa. Put yourself first, focus on self-care, self-love and don’t try and do it all at once – baby steps. You are stronger than you think. You are a warrior. xx

[Anonymous]

Orchidblue you need to commend yourself not put you down, you’ve come out of an abusive relationship and single handedly looking after your children, poorly and unsupported. Are you sure it’s missing him you feel or vulnerability due to the circumstances, would he really have been there for you in the way you want and need right now most abusers and seriously emotionally stunted and that’s not me being horrible about people it’s just the way it is, they don’t have the maturity to see further than themselves, I am sorry your poorly right now and it’s very rare that a man who abuses one women will be an angel to the next, usually when the novelty has worn off and they can’t keep the mask on any longer it’s back to the same cycle again, your justifiably angry and hurting right now please be kinder to yourself you’ve already had someone being nasty to you for too long don’t do it to yourself too, when you feel better you can start building yourself up again, please take care and let us know how you get on 💜💕💜

[Wants To Help]

Hi orchidblue,

How are you feeling today? I hope you and your children are feeling better.

I do feel for you. I have been in a similar situation, however, the fact that Covid is involved in yours make things more serious.

I was very poorly and unable to look after my son. My ex also refused to have him and as I was too poorly I had to consider a temporary foster care placement as an option for him until I got better. Thankfully, a couple who I had only met recently offered to have him for me and took him to stay with them overnight and then helped me out for a few days. This was not an ideal situation but one that was necessary when my ex refused to help.

Is there ANYONE you can reach out to? Any friend or family member who would be happy to come to your house and maybe sleep on the sofa or bring an inflatable bed? I’m not sure if Children’s Services could help with a temporary foster placement due to the Covid situation, but it’s worth asking for some help due to you being so poorly. If your ex then complained about his children going in to foster care he would have a lot to answer to.

Abusers seem to believe that by somehow proving you can’t cope with your children alone it gives them ammunition to get full residency, but what they don’t see is that their selfishness and unhelpful behaviour goes against them. There are times that when you are suffering yourself you really need to take whatever option is out there to get through this – remember it’s only a temporary solution to a temporary problem and there is no shame in reaching out for support.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery for you all x

[Author]

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