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Hi ladies,
I’m so angry right now. I think I’ve always had a lot of anger about things that have happened in my life like boundary violation, sexual assault, rape and most recently my abusive relationship after YEARS of dating hoping to find that elusive endangered animal, ‘the good man.’
I was on another support forum which has men and women on it and what really riled me was an attitude that the WOMEN on there had, that if we are attracting rubbish men or being cheated on then its somehow our fault. Granted some of these women came from a branch of a particular faith that is known for this sort of attitude, but the internalised misogyny and blaming women for men’s bad behaviour really riled me.
I was having a conversation with someone more balanced but she suggested I look up these dating blogs and coaches and change myself so that I will be ‘seen as a high quality woman and will therefore attract a high quality man.’I read a lot of dating blogs when I was younger and often followed their advice. I stayed slim, didn’t cut my hair, worked out, was feminine and tried not to appear desperate or whatever. Honestly, I feel like all it did was attract men who wanted me for my looks and nothing else. I’m angry about the blogs, the misognystic attitude that if he cheats it’s our fault, angry at my family, angry at a lot of men, angry at my ex who added yet more pain into an already overflowing bucket.
I feel frustrated because I would like a partner, but HATE modern dating. I am someone who has dated way more than most as most of my relationships don’t last (usually by my choice) which throws me back into the dating pool. If one more person suggests I change something about mysrlf to attract a man I feel I will explode. I’ve had years of therapy, read countless blogs, worked on myself etc but I’m tired, so darn tired of this rubbish. I know women who met men at uni without doing any if this stuff, they were just themselves, fell in love and got married. I feel so resentful that my single status is seen as a failure on my behalf and that I’m expected to blame shame and change myself and even then at my age only if I’m lucky will I meet a man, and even luckier still he won’t cheat.
Gah! I hate it, hate it all. I know being positive and healthy and leading a full life etc is always good but doesnt there come a point where you just throw your hands up and say no more? I know being angry and bitter won’t attract anyone and isn’t healthy longterm but I’m thinking maybe it’s healthy to feel all of this anger, to let it all come out.
I also feel that love seems to be random, so those blogs are mostly redudant arent they? Sure they can help you date, but in my experience dating has nothing to do with love. I’ve read so many stories of people who met randomly and have been together happily for 25 years. They werent endlessly trying to ‘make themselves a high quality woman’ before hand were they. Two humans just met, fell for eachothers hearts, minds, souls whilst knowing the body is just the vessel thst decays. I’m sick of modern superficiality and feel it has harmed our ability to love and form lasting relationships, and don’t even get me started on how sleazy music videos are these days, instagram models, porn and prostitution.
Just needed to get this out, thanks for listening.
Did you go through big anger as part of your recovery? I’m thinking I need to go through this and that it’s actually helpful for me. It would be worse if I was suppressing it, carrying on trying to date again when really I just want to scream from the rooftops about certain things about my life and the current state of the world.
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I really liked this post. It really spoke to me today – I’ve done quite a few things in the house but actually I’ve been feeling really sad today.
I have felt angry in the past about what happened which is now several years back. I have heard somewhere that anger can be a contructive force, as it can sustain you for a while, (it is different from being depressed for example, which could possibly be worse, and many say that depression is anger turned against yourself).
Also about the dating. Yes, I agree with you. But then I’m kind of an old school feminist.
The most hopeful idea I find for myself is the hope that we could shape unconventional relationships that suit us.
All best
ftc
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Thanks freedom 🙂 Yes I am a feminist too, probably more of the old school type also. I actually hadn’t read that much about this coach she recommended but my gut didn’t like him and I felt uneasy watching one of his videos. Sure enough, just seen reviews of his book where a lot say he basically tells women to change in order to attract a man. Do this, do that, don’t do that and heaven forbid you ever do xyz. Women have been told this stuff for centuries. It will probably make you more attractive but to the wrong sorts of men who just want sex. I’ve noticed that unconventional women often have very loving committed partners, and I assume its because the men actually love them for who they are.
The woman on the site got increasingly angry saying I was being a victim and implying if I don’t change I’ll always be angry, bitter and alone. It was so hard to stomach coming from someone younger who had never experienced domestic abuse. She even had the cheek to say ts the woman’s responsibility in an abusive relationship to notice it and get out. I’m all for personal responsibility but how is that for absolving abusers of their crimes and also implying it is somehow easy to notice gaslighting and coercive control and escape when many of them stalk, harass and even kill. I don’t want to be a victim either but all this ‘you’re a loser and it’s all your fault, change’ stuff doesn’t sit well with me.
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I like your post. I hate as well these kind of articles/ blogs etc what to do to attract men, mistakes women make etc. As if men are so special that you need to be super high class to get into relationship and keep a relationship.what about mistakes men make and what they should do to keep a woman. There sgould be no rules for relationship apart from mutual respect and loyalty. And safety. I just got out of abusive relationship and hate being made feel i am somehow less of a person cos i am single. I fear i am getting bitter and probably will be super picky while choosing my next relationship which i am not planning on doing for the next couple of years.
And how much i hate those talks from people who have no idea what they are talking about blaming women who are/ stay/ was in abusive relationship as somehow it is her fault. Leaving him was the hardest decision i had to make. And such comments make me boil inside!! -
Hi Anabela, I’m so glad to hear you got out and are now safe, it is so difficult to escape an abuser so you’ve done brilliantly and I totally agree about how you should be picky about who you date next. I think experiencing domestic abuse and reading all of the stories on here this past year made me see the amount of misogyny that goes on in society, is accepted as the norm and even is still being taught by dating coaches. I often felt uneasy reading those things but thought they were right when I was younger as those messages were everywhere.
I feel a bit low after arguing with this woman but I felt like I needed to take a stance when she was basically calling me a victim, she called me naive, implied I was being grossly unfair to men, never once acknowledged the trauma I had gone through with my ex glossing over it, on top of all the offensive stuff about it being women’s responsibility to leave abusers as if they are to blame for the abuse and to blame for ‘staying’ which 9 times out if 10 is actually being trapped either psychologically, financially or physically and often all 3. It made my blood boil too. I do agree about learning and growing as a person 100% and changing things in yourlife you’re not happy about if you can, but like you said Anabela, people acting like single women are 100% to blame for their singledom upsets me (nobody ever says maybe a lot of women are still single because of how hard it us to find a man who doesnt lie, cheat, isn’t addicted to porn and doesn’t abuse). I’m single because I refused to accept cheating and abuse, not because I am some flawed bad person as these people imply.
But I also just feel sad, mainly about the state of the world and also fearful about not meeting anyone. I need to decide whether to have a child by myself or not. I’m so hung up on my age after years of dating sites noticing how men used to set their age preferences for women 10 years their junior. Hung up on getting grey, worried my looks are going because in this day and age apparently that all men want. I feel like I need to get these toxic thoughts out of my head about how women’s worth is correlated to their looks as it must be one of the reasons why I attract idiots who just wanted a body rather than a real person. I hope I can one day get to the stage of feeling worthy for who I am and attracting a man who likes me for me.
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It took me a long time to feel angry, Sunshine.
I went through shock, denial, nostalgia, self-hatred and self-blame, but it took a while for anget to appear.
I think that when it did, it was a good thing. I was recognising that I was not to blame, and seeing things more clearly.
I think it’s natural to want a partner. I look at my life with my husband and it seems crazy. We were meant to be a team and we had the capacity to work hard and to enjoy a fulfilling life full of opportunities and to share these opportunities with our children. As it was, he tried to stifle and limit us, whilst stuffing money away for and planning wonderful opportunities just for himself. I managed to salvage something for the kids and I ( he was like a predator, trying to ‘starve me out’ of the home so he could run off with even more than he had hidden); right in til the end, he thought nothing about our rights. We had enough resources between us to giv3 all our family a good life, but he didn’t want the kids or I to have a good life- only himself.
I was so desperate to appease the monster, that I stopped asking myself who the authentic me really was. I think it’s so important to ask yourself how his question: who are you when you are being your true self? What makes you feel at peace, what makes you feel alive.
I think asking this question and then moving towards activities that reflect this will mean we engage more with like-minded people, and we are more likely to meet a kindred spirit who is more likely to be a suitable partner- though the friendships we make will give us a lot of sustenance too x
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Hi Mell, I’m sorry to hear of your situation but I’m afraid I don’t know anything about divorce or immigration law so can’t advise you apart from to ask CAB and Rights of Women. If you write what you wrote above in a new thread with a title more people will see it and be able to help as imagine other women here will have experienced something similar but they might not see it under this thread.
Serenity that’s what I was thinking about anger, that feeling it is a breakthrough. As I’ve mostly just felt depression and ptsd symptoms so far. Anger actually has felt kind of empowering and has given me confidence to stand up for myself. I’m sorry to hear about how he treated you, it’s the subtle slow psychological abuse that is so hard to explain but so incredibly hurtful and damaging. I do feel lucky I wasn’t with my ex for long as he hurt me v badly in a v short space of time.
I went back on that forum to support a few people who were in a bad place and reached out to someone inspiring which has made me feel better. I didn’t want my bad experience there to ruin my day and I hated how her rudeness triggered me into feeling like a bad person. I’ve been noticing how I have a tendency to immefiately assume I am to blame for everything so with this person I have been practising seeing how actually they were rude, unkind and ignorant and that I am not to blame for that. Feel like I need to practice this a lot but feels like an imoortant step forward. I also think I will do the freedom programme as I think it will help me feel less fearful and skeptical about dating, has anyone done the online version?
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This whole thread has resonated with me. I have gone on a dating website recently. In no particular order here are things I hate about modern dating:
1. Guys treating me like I don’t know anything. I hate men mansplaining stuff to me. I have a degree, I am not stupid, don’t treat me like I am.
2. Guys stereotyping me. I am not a girly girl. I don’t spend my days doing my make up (you’re lucky if I wear any!), I don’t need my mates to come with me when I go to the toilet, I hate pink and I actually do know how to change a tyre on a car!!
3. Men repeatedly asking for photos. Just because I told you about an event I attended recently, doesn’t give you the right to say “you should send me a photo of you in a dress”. I was talking to you about my life and you made it about what I looked like, so now the conversation feels superficial. Grow up!
4. Being successful or clever being a flaw in a woman. I have a successful career, I earn enough to keep myself, I do not need a man to look after me in any sense of the word. Men seem to dislike this.
Urgh!!
SunshineRainFlower, do not change a thing. Stay as you are. Find a man who likes you that way. I will NEVER be the woman these men are after. And I am certainly not going to change for them, only for me.
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Sunshinerainflower, i love your post!
First of all you have all the right to be angry! You are at the stage, when you do not want to be pushed around. Congratulations!
Before – I spent so much time to make myself looking pretty and the way a man wanted to see me. I’m no longer willing to do that. I think I have learn the lesson – I want to wear what I want, I want to put the make up only when I want.
No longer i want to be a doll, which one you show off for the personal EGO and tell me you are too beautiful and it is your fault – that i could not control my d**k.
I’m so angry now – that I think one more time any man tried to rape me, I’m prepared to (removed by moderator). As I really had enough of it, I really can not take it anymore, neither I will be tolerating it.
Even if you are looking like a model from glossy magazine, but your self esteem sucks – there always will be someone to take an advantage of it.
Now I try to nourish my heart, my soul, my mind to become strong minded woman – who will never take the c**p anymore from men. I will choose me, and I choose my self respect – this is my mantra now:)
May be it sounds strange – but I came to decision that I want to give myself only to the husband.
There will be no sex before marriage. I do not want to do the dating part – when a man expects to sleep with you as soon as possible, or he bought you a drink and he feels entitled for the kiss, or even more.
Every time you are choosing yourself – your self esteem will grow, it will happen naturally.
Do not be afraid to cut off not the right man.
Any change what you would like to do must be done only for yourself.
But you should also need to give yourself a credit – you dedicate time and effort for your body, look. Value it and do not waste the hard work what you have done on yourself. You have the legit right to choose now whom you want and find a valuable partner. Be patient, I’m sure you will get there. -
Thank you ladies. I am so grateful for this forum. I am feeling very low today, super lonely with really bad ptsd flashbacks. They are what I am calling Rose Tinted Flashbacks where I remember in detail a time where he was ‘lovely’ and ‘sweet’ and I basically thought I’d found the best boyfriend known to man (I even thought other women on the dating site would be so envious of me for getting him). These flashbacks of course bring a profound sense of loss. Been crying for hours hugging a pillow feeling like someone ripped my heart out. It’s like I’ve returned to an earlier stage of recovery but then I remember that recovery isn’t linear.
Just feel so devastated to be alone, to be without this (seemingly) wonderful amazing previous new man. I miss him (the mask) and it feels awful. I miss making meals together with someone, eating out, snuggling up, being cosy together. Grief and loss and fear. And wondering why I find it so hard to be happy alone and gripped by an obsession about my age and being seen as ‘over the hill’and all of that other negative nonsense that has poisoned my brain and I need regular antidotes for.
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