I’m so confused

[Tabledancer]

Hi,
I recently posted on here as I was unsure of what I was living with is abuse or not and I got loads of lovely responses and everyone ha been so kind and the responses all said yes this is abuse. I’ll try cut a long story short, I haven’t reported anything but I did speak to a police officer who works I. The domestic department, I explained my situation and they where like oh we don’t see anything incriminating going on. They said because I have other things going on that I’ve not told my husband about (removed by moderator) that I need to communicate more with my husband and it sounds like he is probably worried about me ((removed by moderator)). I left thinking so that’s normal? It has to be me that has the problem here? If so then yes I’ll accept that but in my gut it doesn’t feel normal.

He tells me I’ve let myself go, calls me names, filmed me (removed by moderator), he wouldn’t take me to hospital when I had to go. I know all this seems silly and petty there is loads more that I feel is actually pretty controlling.

I’m just so confused and feel really down at the moment.

[ISOPeace]

Hi Tabledancer, I’m not surprised you’re confused. I’m really shocked and saddened to hear the response you’ve had from people who supposedly specialise in domestic abuse.

I had a look at your previous post and there is no question that what you described is abuse, as well as what you’ve said in this post. I am appalled that someone working in domestic abuse would advise you to communicate with your husband more.

Sadly, I have read many accounts on here of police being completely ignorant of all but the most extremely violent forms of abuse. Please do not take this awful experience as invalidation of the abuse. At best, I am thinking maybe they meant there was nothing they could prosecute him for because it is so hard to prove without physical injury. But that doesn’t explain why they told you to communicate with him more, when abusers use anything you tell them against you.

Have you contacted women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline? I think it would be helpful to speak to someone who understands. I know the domestic abuse section of the police SHOULD understand, but sadly it appears that they often don’t. Also read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. You can find it free online at archive.org It really helped me see things more clearly. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Put the kettle on]

Hi tabledancer,
Sorry to hear about the advice you received from the police. I agree it’s likely they mean they can’t act on anything that’s happening at the moment. Unfortunately emotional or mental abuse and controlling behaviour are harder to prove. But trust your judgement, you know what’s happening and don’t let others minimise or deny your experience.
Could you speak to women’s aid, a local domestic abuse charity or your GP?
I think a very important indicator is to listen to your gut, if it’s saying something’s not right listen to it! We have those gut feelings for a reason, to keep us safe.

[Tabledancer]

Thank you so much for the response and advise I am so relieved to read that my gut is telling what you both have just said. Honestly see when they said “I’m confident nothing incriminating” is going on my heart sank. I showed them the video he took of me (detail removed by Moderator) and I was so embarrassed to do that and because he was laughing in back ground and I did have a wee smirk on my face but the smirk was more a nervous what the hell am I doing kind of thing. I think that’s probably a good idea if I called the help line I just feel bad that if I phone and it’s not abuse then I am taking up time some one really needs. But big girl pants on. Thank you ladies x*x

[Author]

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