I'm so tired of meeting people I can't seem to connect with

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m feeling really alone and misunderstood. I’ve found it almost impossible to make any new friends ever since I left my ex and went NC with most of my friends and several family members. I did this because when I learnt about domestic abuse, I realised a lot of my friends and family were emotionally abusive to me, blaming me for things, mocking me, criticising me, putting me down, making decisions that affected me without me etc. I used to get upset constantly in their presence but always thought it was my fault (because that’s what they lead me to believe).

It was so helpful to understand emotional abuse but now I’m pretty lonely and the whole ‘Make healthy new friends after abuse by joining hobbies, volunteering’ etc just hasn’t worked for me and I am exhausted after trying multiple times at many different places to connect with new people.

What I’ve noticed is that for the most part the men I’ve met in my day to day life and at volunteering treat me respect, and so do older women. They seem to take me at face value and don’t seem to have a problem with me. But for some reason women around about my age always seem weirded out by me, like they think I’m strange or something. I used to have loads of female friends my age, I was in about 5 different friendship groups and always got invited to parties, weddings etc. I met these women firstly at school, then university and later on in another course.

They pretty much all ditched me when I got ill with depression and had to go back home. The ones who stuck around kept putting me down and being critical, I felt like they treated me like a child, they seemed to think I was making mistakes with my life but ‘I’d be fine if I only followed their advice.’ None of them ever checked on me during my lowest points.

I’ve realised all of these so-called friends liked me because at the time I ‘looked right’ (they were super judgemental against anyone they deemed overweight or unattractive) and I was also successful – it was all superficial.

The problem is, all the women I meet in my age group seem to also be like this. I feel like they judge me and they even laugh at me. I’ve been laughed at at two hobby groups I tried. I think people laugh at me when I’m anxious or if I look very sincere about things. (I’ve always had a problem with people laughing at me – my mum does it, my abusive ex did it and lots of old friends. When I ask why they just say ‘you’re funny’ but I’m not trying to be funny so it hurts and makes me feel like rubbish).

These new women I meet who are near my age don’t seem to want genuine friendship, they just want to joke around. I love to laugh too but I also want more actual connection with people where I can be honest.

It makes me feel so depressed because in the past I always ended up returning to hanging out with my parents due to struggling to make new friends, and my parents are at times emotionally abusive so I’m trying to have stronger boundaries with them and become independent.

I’ve always had a dream of being successful in a certain career. I’ve been given an opportunity showcase my skills at an event which might lead to some work. I am so nervous, there is so much to do to prepare but I think I probably just need to focus on this and stop worrying about all these people who can’t even treat me with basic respect?

I think my ex would hate the thought me of as a successful independent woman. These toxic old friends turned up and followed me on social media when they noticed I was sharing my work on there, presumably because they thought I was ‘successful.’ Ie. they want nothing to do with me when I’m ill but want to piggy back off me by association if they think it will benefit them. I’ve blocked some of them which was quite satisfying, I’m sick of people like this. But I definitely feel low that I’ve had to move on from so many people, and now spend most of my time alone. If I eat out it’s alone, if I go for walks it’s alone, everything is done alone. I’ve only had a handful of guests in my new place and three of those were family. I would love a few friends to meet up for tea with, go for walks and have a chat but it just hasn’t worked out like that.

I’m not sure if I’m doing something to put people off, maybe I come across as ‘weird’ as I’ve been through two fairly major traumas, one where I lost my career due to ill health and the other being domestic abuse. I struggle sometimes to find my words, to have enough energy, I struggle with low mood and anxiety. But if people are judging me negatively for these things then they really aren’t worth it. It feels c**p thinking that after all I’ve been through, yet more people I’m meeting are mean and disrespectful. Maybe I need to expect less of people? Have any of you had success in making new friends after abuse? Also just to clarify, I still look the same, just older, and I am very clean so I don’t smell or anything, and I don’t dress in any outlandish ways. It seems that they are reacting to my change of mindset after the traumas. I used to be quite superficial and judgemental myself but I’m not like that anymore so maybe that’s why I can’t connect with these people, maybe they are all just like my old friends so not the kinds of people I want to be around.

Thanks for listening.

[KIP.]

Try not to overthink and narrow your choice of friends. It’s great to have friends of all ages. Age is just a number. I have a lovely male friend over a decade younger. You said you met previous friends on a course. I’ve recently joined a psychology and counselling course and the people there are genuinely good friendly people centred people and I am anxious around new company but they are lovely and approachable. One of them just handed me her notebook and asked for my email and phone number. I think we all feel lonely and misunderstood. Coming in this forum has helped me feel less alone. How about starting your own group for females who want to make new friends x

[Tiffany]

I definitely dress in outlandish ways, and come off as slightly weird. It doesn’t seem to put people off being friends with me. I will say that maintaining friendships at my current stage of life does seem to be harder work. A lot of friends my age have small kids and therefore much less free time. We all also have different schedules and it can be hard to arrange to meet up. I also find it hard to admit to people that my schedule isn’t what they would expect of someone of my age, education level, intelligence etc, because of my invisible illness. Sometimes I don’t see friends for weeks on end, because I am too tired to organise anything. And I sometimes feel like all the onus is on me to organise stuff, and that my friends don’t so much. When I am feeling down that can make me feel like maybe they don’t like me, or don’t want to hang out. But in a positive frame of mind I realise that they are busy people with busy lives, and that’s ok.

I think with the club’s/hobbies/volunteering, the crucial thing is that you enjoy what you are doing and like the group. That way you don’t feel like you are wasting your time even if great friendship don’t arise. The other thing to do is to put yourself on the line and give out your contact details, ask people from the group if they want to do an activity out with the group another day, invite people to stuff. It’s hard to put yourself out there, but if you don’t most people will assume that you have a busy life and no time to make new friends. It’s hard work though, and it’s ok not to put yourself on the line all the time.

I actually noticed in our local paper this week that it is currently Quaker week. Don’t know if you know anything about them – it’s basically a church, but with less God and no minister. I was brought up as one and have been to several different meetings across the country over the years. Their official name is the Religious Society of Friends, and honestly, they are the friendliest group of people I have ever met. If the whole religious society thing doesn’t put you off then I would highly recommend their meetings as a place to meet new people. It tends to be more older people, but I have found genuine connections with people there come much more easily than in any other group I have attended, and as well as the church meetings they tend to have communal meals periodically and things, making it easy to get to know people. This could of course partly be that the format puts me at ease compared to other church services because I grew up with it, and that other people might find other churches much the same, but I thought I would suggest it, because it has been good for me in bad patches. It’s broadly Christian, but no one will mind if you are an atheist or of another religion, and no one will try to convert you.

[fizzylem]

Embrace the weirdness! I do! Of course it does mean you swim against the flow sometimes (with superficial folk) – which I am happy to say I very much do. I too want a more meaningful and purposful life and to only surround myself with those who also want this – things is, there’s not that many around is there, they are out there, but the majority of people are ok, happyish or feel stuck in going to work, looking after kids, are thankful for the change in seasons and the holidays and not alot else – never really consider there are other ways to live life; accept the mundane and the daily grind – but drive around in 50k cars?! And have a whacking great mortgage – which is completely their choice huh and why life is the way it is for them.

I think it takes a lifetime to collect friends, like you say, maybe one or two from school and uni, a few more from the jobs we have. The thing about friends is we all only need one to stop feeling alone, but ideally we have a few more so this one relationship does not feel too precious – or in any way burdensome / weighty / too much for this friend. Having a few friends then also leads to social events too as you know. We have a need to be socialble, and also a need to belong, have meaningful relationships – two different needs here but both important to meet. A person doesnt necessarily have to have friends to be sociable mind, this need can be met simply by being with others in any setting.

Think back to how your past freindships started, all of mine were because we shared a good giggle together, we got it, whatever it was, also think about what it is you like in others, for me it’s those who don’t take life too seriously, can be fun, be kind and a good friend, also hold a stimulating conversation. I don’t think you can have a deep and meaningful connection with someone until time has passed you have first had plenty of fun – it kind of develops from there. If you try to talk about what you are struggling with to early – problems – before a relationship has had time to develop – appear in need of support – often folk run the other way. I do it myself, because I’ve learnt the hard way that if the relationship starts off with me being supportive it will only continue this way, he she will always see me as their emotional support and not a lot else.

I would suggest trying to keep all intercartions light, fun and friendly for a long time.

I have also noticed that those families that have moved into my area from elsewhere have taken 3-5 years to feel settled; only years later do they now have a few friendship groups; it can take a while to start again x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks ladies,

That’s a really good point about embracing our own inner weirdness Fizzylem and also what you said Tiffany about your clothes being outlandish has made me think, maybe I’ve always tried too hard for other people to like me. I wore more interesting clothes in the summer as I had bought some lovely vintage summer dresses and a woman on the street stopped to compliment me, so I’m going to think of ways to express my personality more in autumn and winter clothing now. It also reminds me of how a woman complimented me on a skirt I made. If we dress in a very conforming uniform way yet inside we are not conformists it probably sends out a confused message, and maybe that’s partly where I’ve been. Slightly off topic but I saw an article about a women’s community in Estonia and all these cool old ladies were wearing fabulous brightly coloured patterned homemade shirts, dresses and headscarves as well as having lovely colours and patterns in their homes, so it has inspired me to bring more colour and pattern into my life.

Fizzylem that’s a good point about not sharing too much sad stuff too soon. I have probably done this in the past, mainly because it’s always on my mind, and I agree that I would also avoid people who came across as very needy because it can come across as a bit of a red flag, after all the main point of friendship is to share good times together because this uplifts us and makes it easier to get through the harder times. I think it can be a bit of a vicious circle because the more lonely you get, the lower you get, then when you do meet people it can be tempting to try to fast forward a friendship and overshare, similar to when people date when they are lonely.

KIP I definitely agree about friendships across the ages, I go to a craft group and everyone there is retired except me but they are very warm, welcoming and friendly. They talk about their children and grandchildren but they don’t tend to mention husbands much and overall they seem to value each other’s friendships rather than be in competition with each other, which I think tends to happen amongst younger women of childbearing age as most straight women are pretty much brainwashed by society into thinking their be all and end all is finding a man and having kids so they see other women as competition.

I think that I probably represent what a lot of women my age fear – I’m single, with no children and currently don’t work due to ill health. A triple whammy of misfortune they probably think. I used to think that too until I started appreciating the free time I have to go for walks and work on my hobbies and new career goal, which I wouldn’t have if I had a lazy husband and demanding children. I’ve realised I probably don’t want children at all, so strangely things seem to have worked out for me in that sense. I also don’t want an abusive, lazy, entitled man in my life and know a lot of women are putting up with men like this and are suffering as a result, so I’m also fortunate in that way. I guess society has always mocked ‘spinsters’ because we have not conformed to the role set out for women in a patriarchal society. Interestingly I found out recently that the word spinster originates from when being a spinner of wool was the only job a woman could do to support herself independently without a man. Overtime the word took on pejorative connotations because a patriarchal society doesn’t want all women choosing that path, it has to convince women that being single and not having children is a what only ‘sad ugly old’ women do.

Tiffany I’m not sure about the Quakers but I’ll look into it as they have a meeting house near me, I’ve actually been to it before but for a Buddhist event. I can see how it would be a good place to find a community. The craft group I go to is in a church and I’d go to more of their events because so far none of them have tried to convert me. I am not a fan of religion but they are definitely good at creating communities which is something a lot of us lack in modern day society and it’s especially tough if you are not close to your family.

I was feeling upset when I wrote this yesterday because I’d been to my volunteer job and there’s a young woman there who just doesn’t seem to like me, she doesn’t really smile or act very warm or respectful towards me but is nice to other people so sometimes it gets me down. I haven’t actually met many new people at all in the past year as as I’ve done is my volunteering, my craft group and gone to medical appointments so maybe expanding what I do is a good idea to put me in touch with a wider range of people of both sexes across a wider age group.

Thanks for your help. I’m grateful for this forum because it has helped me so much since leaving me ex and I find that what happened with him still affects me a lot.

[Tiffany]

Totally agree about religions being good for forming communities. And that they are something that is definitely lacking in modern society as a whole. It’s something I really like about being in a rural area rather than a city, even though there is less “official” support (for example we only have one women’s aid worker, based many miles away already and when the last one retired we had about 6 months of the nearest support being the next city over). But I don’t need to go to a church or a group here to find community – it shows up as neighbours giving you plants over the fence because they know you are trying to do up your garden on a tight budget and they want to help.

In a city you have to find “your people”. Once you find them it can be brilliant – I found some great groups living in cities. And once I found them it was great. But for example I tried I think 7 craft groups before I found the one where I fit in. And then I moved and then I had to start over. The only reason I suggested the Quakers was that they were the group I have had the highest success rate for feeling welcome: about 98% across 5 different cities (there have been occasional individual meetings that were less friendly, but basically they have been good.) Everything else I have found hit and miss. Just depends if you are around people who “get you” or not. I would try and embrace being funny, and dressing in a way that you like, and having your own opinions. Basically be yourself. Not everyone will like it, but you will end up with better friends because the people who do like you will like the real you, not the person you are trying to be because you think that is what people like.

You should be aware that I speak as basically the human equivalent of Marmite, and am probably partially defending my position. My sister is the absolute opposite and always dresses to fit in and has had much more success cultivating a wide social group than I have. Although saying that she’s recently taken a really brave career move and gone back to uni to move into a much less secure job market at a time when all her friends are going for promotions, and she has never been happier now she is living as a more authentic version of herself. And it doesn’t seem to be losing her friends.

[Camel]

I remember (detail removed by moderator) I got a job at (detail removed by moderator). There was another girl on the same shifts and we took an instant dislike to each other. I have no idea why. Then one day she went off site and got so drunk she couldn’t stand. I was roped into helping her sober up before our evening shift. It was hysterical – standing her up fully clothed in the shower and forcing coffee down her. After that we both admitted that we hadn’t liked each other, and agreed that we’d both been mistaken. We got on really well after that. What am I trying to say? That sometimes we’re all guilty of completely misreading the signals. Hope that doesn’t sound too pompous!!

 

 

[resilient]

Hi sunshinerainflower

I have been so cautious when making friends and continue to be. Past friendships felt phony and I realise now I was not being true to myself. We can be so hard on ourselves but we are still recovering. I am still selective with who I surround myself with and my understanding of abuse has improved. I have learnt to trust my intuition whereas in the past I would have ignored in favour of “friendship”. I have recently been stung by someone who I thought of as a friend – used me as a stepping stone and continue to try to. I won’t be treated that way any longer – before I probably wouldn’t have noticed, at least not so soon. These people have taught me a lot about myself

[Author]

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