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Sorry,I think this is better posted here.
I’m not sure if my story is unusual, it might be. I want to be clear that the utter SHAME i feel is crippling and I feel I owe a massive apology to all individuals who have suffered Domestic abuse.
I consider myself(or used to) to be a fairly intelligent woman, emotionally intelligent. I have a huge heart always there to fix and rescue people and I love authentically. Never, ever did i imagine that my ex would manipulate me to the highest form.
The more time away and detoxing from his trauma the more I am realising things, remembering things, I am literally floored every time this happens. I wasn’t in my own head, cognitive dissonance,gaslighting love bombing, pity play, are all new concepts I have learned.
Ladies, I fell for an individual who was convicted of Domestic abuse and assaulting a minor. This individual convinced me he didn’t do it. The apaths surrounding him said he didn’t do it. He lied and rationalised things so smoothly that one would question there own senses.People like this frighten me beyond measure.
Every time he called me names or got angry it was followed up by “its not my fault”. He would throw things at me and tell me it was not assault as he did not touch me. The apaths (about his behaviour) told me “what do you expect after what hes been through”.He made me promise him I would never call the police if he hit me and I made that promise. What the hell was I thinking. He became my only light, he love bombed me and slowly over the years devalued me.There were red flags everywhere but I was so consumed by him I made excuses.Nobody knew but his apaths what was going on.
In between the bad bits he was attentive and loving and his variable behaviour confused me so much. I almost called the police one evening but it was the shame of what I had accepted and the fear of not being believed that stopped me.
I want to report him to the police. I feel responsible, to stop him from ruining another family.I do not know if I will every have courage to do this. I’m still in the thick of it- did this actually happen, am I making a big deal out of this. Words are not enough to convey what he has done to me, his actions, lies, mind games, he played me play me well and he got the sympathy.
Forgive me for being so naive and stupid but know that I am suffering the consequences of his psychological assault and physical abuse and in many ways I feel i deserve it for being so stupid.
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Do not be sorry.
I know exactly how you are feeling. I am going through the very same thing. Shocked and finding it hard to believe that someone who I thought qas my best friend and who knew and loved me more than anyone , could be so awful and manipulative.
Keep posting on here and you will get a lot of support from very very wise ladies who have been through it all.
Sending love xx -
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We all blame ourselves because they condition us into feeling like this. we tend to take the blame, thats because we get sucked in to their irrational thinking. but thats not reality; you cant accept responsibilty for what hes done, he certainly wont. Youve been through the same as many of us on here and you deserve the same sincere kindness and support. It sounds like hes made you feel like your not worthy? i felt like that too and still do at times. experiencing this leaves lasting effects- but its really important to learn more from this and maybe even help other people who are going through this too. its still a learning curve – be it a traumatic one 🙂 have you had any counselling xx your coming to terms with whats happened – give yourself a chance to absorb it all and look at ways of loving yourself again then build on that. i hope you are ok much luv diy mum x*x
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I cannot forgive myself. I supported him through his conviction and allowed him to mistreat me and get away with it because he had a pity story. I was absolutely in love with him (though I now realise this was not love but I was so isolated he was my only source of light) that even when he stated he wanted to kill his ex and allow her children to find her, I still stayed. He wouldn’t allow me to go to court with him, now I know why. He hid all the legal letters, now I know why.
I allowed him around my family and defended him time and time again. I made excuses when he abused me- hes in pain- he tells me hes trying to be a better person- he said sorry- he said I don’t understand. Oh look hes made a lovely statement about me on FB. He opens car doors, he takes me away for weekends,Im imagining his abuse. At least hes not punching me in the face.
He paraded me around the place weeks after he was arrested. I thought he was proud of me but really I was his mask. Look at me I have a girlfriend I couldn’t possible hurt my ex. I have since read his ex’s statement and it sent chills down my spine, it was like I was reading about me though he was more hands on with her. I did as I was told and it was only when I started defending myself did he lose interest and start an affair with another mother. And there I was begging him to work on our relationship, any bit of crumb, that’s what I succumbed to.
My family, on telling them what went on, were so concerned for my welfare that they asked me to leave and stop all contact. Even at that time I thought they were being overly cautious but now I can see why.
Its amazing how one can get so enmeshed you don’t see.The scary part for me is that as I was detoxing from his trauma and the fog was lifting the shame was so bad I wanted to end my life. I cannot tell you how painful this was for me to think my life was worthless and the guilt I carry for even entertaining his abuse. That’s the impact he has on me and I’m not over this. I still think I am better off dead because the shame will be gone. I see women who have had it much worse and have the bruises to show and I hang my head in shame because though he hurt me by throwing things directly at me, I have no bruising to show.
Yes I am in therapy and its really helping me but the more time goes on the more stuff is coming forward and its to much to bare.
I think I am looking for forgiveness and reassurance. I am so stupid and I often think about his ex must have felt when he jumped into a relationship with me weeks later. The hurt and devastation she must have felt and thus I tell myself I deserve this.
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have you ever looked up something called toxic shame? its closely linked to PTSD. shame can be paralysing. the truth is the abuse youve sustained has done this to you. Tbh domestic violence basically eats away at the soul. It strips us of who we once were, enough put downs and being told were no good over along time has this effect. it depends on what is said to you repeatedly but its natural through time were going to believe it. its a known fact that people always remember the bad thing said about them than the good. If you ask yourself what did you actually do that was so wrong? in your own eyes not his? i cant imagine that you did anything but do your best to survive through all that he put you through? weve all retaliated and defended ourselves but thats natural. we do what we do in these situations. Dont be sorry because this wasnt your fault, try to focus on your qualities, even helping other people can give you a sense of pride xx focus on you, i know its hard im the same i have days when i feel worthless and think why did i let him treat me so badly. We get scared and we cower down to protect ourselves,however we must be strong because were here to tell the tale and we got through this xx much love diy mum x*x
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Teabag, your post is so well worded and so honest and in a way you are finding the words regarding what I felt , but couldn’t express back when i’d Left and had the peace and space to think, and out it all poured.
I’m concerned you feel your life isn’t worth living because of the shame you carry for what he did, and I will repeat that bit -for what he did. I can understand what you say, how you feel , and how you feel you colluded with him, or condoned his behaviour or what ever else you are punishing yourself with because I did that all too but the facts are he is accountable for what he did in his past relationship and to you, and what he goes on to continue doing. You have been a victim here too , Yes we were duped for our trusting and support and a hell of a lot wiser in hindsight but we are kind and supportive by nature and that was taken advantage of. We are human and sometimes don’t judge things right but that doesn’t mean we have to own the blame or shame of others actions ,no experience is wasted if we learn from it, we can’t go back ,only forward.please reread your post as if I was saying this to you, I think you would understand what happens and tell me I was not to blame myself, which is what I say to you
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My relationship with my ex has impacted on my family and my neighbours because his abusive behaviour started with me and moved to others. I enabled him. Forgave him and took him back over and over. Made excuses for him. Overlooked a million red flags.
We’ve all done pretty much what you’ve done in our own ways. These people exploit us because we’re kind. It says everything about what type of people they are.
You’ve definitely come to the right place by posting here. The people here really do get it. Keep posting x
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Thank you, everyone. You do feel alone on this journey. Its taken me (detail removed by moderator) months to really reach out to others and to join his forum. Having the time and space to detox from his trauma has really brought home what he has done to me. I never, ever thought I had the ability to push his abuse so far away that I was able to forget and make out to everyone he was just this amazing human being.
I found some old emails that I had sent to his parents outlining his abuse. I was particularly struck by how I was asking them not to ask my ex certain questions because he would get angry with me. I was trying to protect myself and yet I go onto acknowledge what a terrible time he had. Why was i trying to be so diplomatic about all of this. These emails and my words threw me because I had little recollection of them and my writings. I think this just showed how enmeshed I was. Suffice to say his parents never acknowledged his abuse because they know what he was like but kept up the pretence that he was innocent, like my ex did and not a criminal as the courts saw him.
I have been asking others where to start, how to start. Right now I feel like I will never get over this. I don’t trust anyone and I barley socialise now because I am so anxious. On high alert all the time and the shame, i may as well be digging my own grave. Sorry, I sound so negative I guess I am trying to explain how I am feeling and sometimes my words are not enough.
With gratitude
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your going through the stages of grief, we all grieve for any change in our lifes. OUr experinces have been very traumatic so we have that to deal with too. YOur allowed to be negative if that how your feeling, your being so honest and your facing up to your emotions so youve definitely not in the stage of denial. i find its really helpful to understand whats going on when we feel like this. I hope this helps you too 🙂
The first stage of grief is denial then searching (im in this one) still!!we ask why? then anger, i think the stage your in is deep emotional distress, so thats feelings of hopelessness,fear for the future, we cry and reach out when it gets too much but this is all healthy, time eventually helps us to get to the stage of acceptance.
therapy might really help you to get through, just now, you can build yourself up again and become stronger.your life will improve in time, keep reachng out your doing great 🙂 much love diy mum x*x
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Teabag, I understand all to well how you’re feeling. I look at myself, an intelligent woman with a decent career who’s run their own business, and to whom people come for advice, and I know that all consuming shame. It can be so bad that it’s physical, like a white heat passing through you.
However, we didn’t ‘allow’ ourselves to be duped. These men are past masters at this. They beguile us with a loathsome Machiavellian snare.
It has taken me an extremely long time, and a huge amount of work to realise that in reality I don’t carry any blame for his behaviour, nor should I feel shame for having succumbed to the FOG and the Gaslighting.
I admit I hadn’t researched the term previously, and had little knowledge of it, but I now know, and understand rather a lot about cognitive dissonance.
It’s difficult, I won’t lie to you, to climb that wall, ford that muddy ditch. It makes more sense to think we ‘let’ this happen to us.
We let this happen in the same way that we would ‘let’ it happen if someone sneaked up behind us and poked us with a syringe full of anesthesia.
I know it sounds trite and hippy dippy, but honestly a daily affirmation and a daily gratitude have really helped me with this. You are valid, you did not consent to, or deserve his treatment of you. All you did was give love and trust that was twisted and turned against you. -
Ebonyraven
I to was someone everyone turned to.I to have learned about cognitive dissonance, love bombing, gaslighting and cluster B personality disorders. I was reading this book called the Psychopath free and it felt like the author was writing about my ex.I am currently reading the follow on book- Whole again.
I know the shame, its crippling me and all the work I am doing to get through is is exhausting. I am fed up of suffering from suffering. I wish someone had taken me to one side and said what the hell are you doing but he played me so well as did his parents and all the apaths. To think I believed him that he was innocent when he assaulted a women for (detail removed by moderator) years and her son, and its the realisation of this (i read the police statements finally) that just sucker punched me.
We all think it will never happen to us.
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I can only imagine how that must have felt. It sounds though as if he had all his flying monkeys around you backing him up, and contributing to it all. It’s absolutely no wonder you got enmeshed.
It wasn’t you that did those things, you didn’t enable them. All you did was believe in a person and they took massive advantage of that, steering you along.
It is exhausting, absolutely and utterly, dealing with the aftermath of the relationship, and the stress of finding something like this out must he hugely fatiguing. Give yourself time, that fatigue will drop off, little by little. Maybe practice a 10 minute meditation each day if you can, give yourself a peaceful space to be in. -
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Brand new me. Thank you virtual hugs always welcome.
About 6 mts ago I could not spell my own name let alone write a sentence. I’m learning what he has done to me. I’m reading, in therapy and by God one day I may pluck up the courage and my vulnerability/ shame and go to the police and report him. I do not care if nothing happens it will be on record to help his next victim.
I’ve so much work to do on myself. Kudos to us all.
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