I’m still confused

[solve or survive]

It’s not been a great (removed by Moderator), there was more gas-lighting to start it off and making a big thing from me not understanding his “joke” (which actually just seemed like a dig at me for not meeting an expectation of his), all of the blame got put on me again and we didn’t talk all day.

I sent him a huge message saying how unheard and unloved I felt, we didn’t discuss it until (removed by Moderator) and things just escalated again. He screamed at me down the phone that he hates me and has so much resentment towards me. He ended up saying to me that this is it, he’s finally had enough of me and is leaving, so I called his bluff and said it was a mutual decision, which he said was good.

I took his belongings to his house and he seemed surprised to see me (removed by Moderator). I said I wasn’t going to plead with his threats to leave me any more and we started to have somewhat of a productive conversation, until he reacted to me forgetting something he’d told me. He called me some really horrible names and told me to get out, so I did.

On my way home he kept ringing and ringing and ringing, he just wouldn’t stop, I’ve never had so many missed calls! Then he sent messages pleading with me to listen to him…he was in tears and saying how sorry he is and how frustrated he is with himself for being so reactive, and how awful it is for him to threaten to leave me. Long story short, we ended up having a really beautiful, constructive and open conversation about where we are at and had a really good evening together, and it just took away all the hate and contempt I had towards him…

…which has left me even more confused than ever. I could have walked away and not called him back, but he pulled me back in and I don’t know if his remorse and reflections are genuine or if things will just escalate again soon. It’s so inconsistent and confusing.

[Lisa]

Hello solve or survive,

Thank you for sharing this with us, I can really hear how confusing and distressing this experience felt for you.

This emotional rollercoaster of a build up of tension eventually followed by heated arguments and abusive incidents, followed by apologies and remorse is a very common pattern within abusive relationships and is known as the ‘cycle of abuse’, it might be helpful to read about this for some clarity on the dynamic you’re experiencing.

Abusers will often shift between tactics in order to draw us back into the relationship. This often happens when they feel there is a risk of the relationship ending – this is why it can be such a dangerous time for many women. If anger or intimidation is not scaring us to submission, an abuser might become distressed, upset or make threats to harm themselves, in order to emotionally manipulate and create feelings of sympathy or responsibility.

We want to see the best in the person we have built a life with and invested time, energy and care into, but what’s important is to be mindful of your boundaries of behaviour. His apology does not undo the verbal abuse, insults and intimidation. Sadly we know that abusers rarely change, it is more common for abuse to escalate and become worse over time, so be mindful of your mental health and safety through this time.

I’m wondering if the Freedom Programme may be a helpful resource for you: https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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