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    • #46152
      Mixedup
      Participant

      I thought things were getting better, I feel very much like I’m getting better. I know me and my my children are happier. I would never go back. too much has happened. I guess he was right- the longer I was away from him the more I realised that what was going on wasn’t right, and I realised that I can do this on my own. kind of. I’m technically not, I’m living with his mum, which actually works out pretty well.
      only ive let him use my phone, and he phones me off all of his friends phones and now there have been a couple that have been quite well colourful in language. I don’t deal well with swearing and bad language, I don’t like it. so now I’m upset, and I know I only have myself to blame because I let him use my phone. I know we’re not together and he acts like we are, and I try to ignore it and I’m constantly saying to him things like I’m his ex girlfriend. he thinks we’ll be back together by Christmas. we wont. ive told him this.
      I know he keeps saying this to make me back down, to make me feel weak. its freeing in a sense to know that its not working, because no part of me wants to.
      my children don’t even want to and this man is their dad.
      but I’m so tired of this whole thing, I’m tired of his lies and his games. I’m tired of him still having a part of my life, even if that is only ten minutes or something each day.
      I just want him to go away!!
      this man is the father of my children, and I just want him to go away. what does that say about me. I see his good qualities in my children, but I still just want him to stay away.
      I thought I was doing well y’know. I hadn’t been on here in a while, I hadn’t felt like I needed to. like I needed that outlet. and now I do, again. I feel like I’m sliding back down. like hes suffocating me, and hes not even here.
      I wonder if its because he thinks eerythings fine, because he sees me as this unaffected personality. because I never show him how much he affects me now, never show him whats bothering me. why should I? why give him that trust? (is that wrong?)

    • #46208
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI HUn

      Its totally normal how you are feeling they rally do drain us down, maybe u could; call thee helpline to see how u could break the contact down and only keep bare minium as i’m aware kids are involved. Is there any chance u could move out of his mum house so he cant see and contact u . def dont let him use your phone, he will slowly suck u in again. I agree never let him know how he makes u feel, they just take advantage . just come on when u need to, i think we all go through stages where we doing ok then they justget to us again

    • #46245
      Mixedup
      Participant

      all over again. I suppose I should be grateful because after all the sarcasm and nastiness the last two days I’ve actually realised I’m not a sarcastic person-which considering I spent the last two months believing I am, is probably a good thing.
      ive had enough, and have actually realised in the last twenty minutes I hate him.
      I really really hate him.
      there isn’t any love left, its hard to comprehend the fact that I hate the man whose children I have borne but I do.
      I just don’t know what to do to stop things from getting worse, if that is even possible,
      I’m so tired, I’ve had to get rid of our puppy, we couldn’t take care of it, he was leaving it with random babysitters all the time- this is what has made me realise I hate him. because if he had listened, if he had cared we wouldn’t be going through this. I wouldn’t have to be trying to comfort my son as he cries through the night. I wouldn’t be feeling so low, a friend of mine has died. I feel so lost, so lonely. I’m trying to keep going, to keep things normal. and the worst thing is that now I’m feeling the insecurity of my role as a parent. am I doing the best thing for my kids, would they be better off with him? am I making things worse ?
      I’m just so tired of everyday being a battle.

    • #46255
      Confused123
      Participant

      hey hun

      we all have these bad days , so dont feel bad for feeling low , im sure u are doing the best for your kids, your kids depend on u more then u realise as u are the positive role model that gives them love and security and consitency. I have felt so drained myself this week where i got to the point i thought just to save money i would eat one meal a day and u know what i just feel more tired, its so important u are resting and looking after your health, sometimes we have to just rest to recover. I feel for you still having to have contact with ex as i knowany contact i had with my ex over children , did drain me and effect me , no wonder u feel drained, try and see if u can have extra supplements to give u strength , keep posting as much as u need to

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