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When I met my partner I was half his age and a little bit messed up in my own ways. Things started to go rapidly downhill as he drinks everyday so I was actively trying to keep up. Once we were drunk he would antagonise and embarrass me by flirting with other women putting me down etc. I would eventually snap due to the alcohol and a massive fight would break out. My family were all very concerned about me at this stage as I was out of control. I found messages on his phone to other women and he would tell me about all of his ex partners and tell me I wasn’t as good as them. Eventually I started to get a little bit of control of my life. Then I fell pregnant and I completely changed. I never rose to his antagonising behaviour. Throughout my pregnancy at first he told me to keep the baby and he would love to have a family with me. Then he would get drunk and tell me to have an abortion but I was committed to my baby and this wasn’t an option. As time passed he began saying that the child isn’t his and when it was born he wanted a DNA test. There were several occasions he treated me badly and I had to leave. When I left he said I was running away because I was guilty. Whether I stayed or left I could not win. Since having my baby I have been a dedicated mother and put my everything into my child. I still put up with the drunken abuse and on the odd occasion we have gone somewhere together and I have drank it felt like things are getting bad again. I’m struggling to leave as I’m told constantly that this is my fault. I have tried many times to leave but next thing he will be around and I’m sucked back in because he’s nice and says he knows he’s wrong. This last all of a few days and we are back to where we started. I really want to get away before my life starts getting bad again I can’t let it happen for my baby as well as myself. My self esteem is gone and I feel anxious. But if I get mad too then I try not to say anything as I know it’ll annoy him so I keep my mouth shut. He thinks that I am nothing and it starts to sink in when you hear it this often. What does this sound like to others? Is this abuse or is it just bad arguments between us because of alcohol? How do I get away and stay away? He’s very good with words and makes everything my fault. I feel he does this when I leave so the blame isn’t on him.
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This is definitely abuse. I get that you were messed up when you met him, but it sounds like he has been intentionally wearing down your self esteem right from the start. Feeling that you can’t win/do the right thing is also a sign of abuse. And the fact that you are keeping things ok by keeping silent is a huge red flag that things are not ok. The fact that you have managed to sort yourself and the downward cycle you were in despite the ongoing abuse suggests that you are really strong. I know that your self esteem is low at the moment, but I promise you, if you can leave you will go from strength to strength. Maybe start by calling the women’s aid helpline. They will be able to listen and give you non judgemental advice on how to take your next steps when you are ready.
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It is definitely abuse. You need help to escape from an abuser and women’s Aid were fantastic with me. Abusers keep us in a FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt. You have every right not to allow him near you. Absolute zero contact is the only way forward with an abuser. Any contact at all will bring confusion and allow him to continue his mind games. You are right to put your child first. I blamed alcohol for my abusers behaviour for years until I spoke to women’s aid. They told me that many many mendrink and are not abusive so please do not blame the alcohol. He chooses to behave the way he does because he enjoys the thrill he gets from seeing you upset and distressed. Not good for you or baby and abuse always gets worse. So going forward, zero contact. Use a third party for emergencies but don’t allow him to continue his games with you. If he cheated and abused before baby, he will only be worse after baby and you deserve so much more in your life x
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It’s takes strength to do what you have done by posting your story here, and to not stay silent. I have had this same argument round and round in my head evn snce leaving, so well done you for being so brave.
No matter what you have done, I bet you were far more honest with him and wanting to resolve things properly so that you could be part of breaking that awful cycle.
You have noticed that cycle of abuse that never will break for him, he will stay on that cycle wih you or someone else, so its not on you, its who he is. Without an abusé around you can startrt to recover, but with him it will only get worse, not better, sad to say.
Getting mad or angry at someone is no abusive its the cycle that you break out of and end up living, as you say, in fear of doing the wrong thing for fear of consequences that puts you under his power and control.
Take all the support here and whenever else you can, including the helpline who can direct you to local suuports for you and confirm your thoughts are rational!
Warmest wishes. Ts
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I wrote this message 2 years ago and I still am stuck in this cycle. Although I’ve changed a lot and I’ve started to react to him in really negative ways. I feel like I’ve now become an abuser myself as I haven’t got a shred of patience for his comments and as soon as I feel he’s starting something I pounce. It’s not a normal situation though, he’s also changed and I feel he’s adapted to my own changes. For example, he will play the victim now and say that I’ve been really horrible recently and he doesn’t deserve it as he’s just trying to do his best. To which I respond by saying you wonder why I bite so hard now. I guess this makes me feel like I have a bit of control in the situation but more likely I do not. I genuinely want it to be over completely. But what happens now is that he will talk generally with me about either our child or something else. Then before I know it I’m with him again. We can go weeks without seeing each other and I’m happier during this time but he’s always on the other end of the phone and talks daily to me. So in reality there isn’t actually any separation as he’s still inserting himself into my life in a different way. I don’t even know what he wants from this anymore?
Last time he was here we drank – which is my own fault as I know that it doesn’t end well. We fought with each other and in the end in order to actually get him to leave I called the police. He tried to take my phone off me to go through it and I changed the passcode as I’ve got personal things in there From friends or to friends that aren’t his business. I’m now feeling massive amounts of guilt and shame for both him and our child. I’ve recently got a new job and I now don’t even feel like I deserve it. I’ve asked him to get his car which is outside and I’ve apologised for my own behaviour and explained that we need to stay apart now – forever. He didn’t respond. But sent me things that he knows we had already had disagreements about and upset me – because I don’t trust him, I guess just to say he’s going to do it anyway maybe. But nothing else.
Still not sure how to break this cycle. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) years now
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Hi Acedude,
I just wanted to offer you some support this afternoon as I can see that you are struggling at the moment.
It’s important to know that responding or reacting to abuse does not make you an abuser. It’s very common, after being pushed and provoked for such a long time, to retaliate in some way. For some of us, it is natural to defend ourselves or to ‘lash out’ if we feel threatened. Unfortunately very often an abuser will use this to defend or make excuses for their behaviour, or to insist that we are ‘just as bad’ or that we are actually the abusive one, and it can be easy to believe that this is the case.
You mention that you are happier during periods where you do not see each other, which is a positive sign in regards to what life would look like without him. It must be quite clarifying to recognise this.
Please know that support is available if you do want to talk to someone about your options. You could contact Women’s Aid on the Live Chat and talk to someone online in confidence about what’s happening for you: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Alternatively, you could reach out to the specialist domestic abuse support service in your area for some ongoing support and advice from them. You can find them using our online directory: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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