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Hello,
I’m getting more and more worried about the contact my son has to have with his father, his father was emotionally, financially and sometimes physically abusive to me and very controlling and manipulating (I would always be twisted to be the bad person and if he got angry and kicked off it was always my fault) I’m out of it now and just recently after putting up with messages still trying to manipulate and control I’ve gone 99% no contact(only available for an emergency when my sons with him) but now my son is coming home after being there and he has an attitude, or he will go there liking something or be interested in a certain hobby or want to change his hair cut and then in return his whole opinion on something has changed this weekend he went excited to get a summer holiday haircut he wanted a (detail removed by moderator) on his return didn’t want it and even told me that his dad had said “(detail removed by moderator)” it may sound trivial but I’m worried as he can’t control me now is he doing it to his son. My son also comes home saying that when he’s (detail removed by moderator) daddy says he can go and live there! He’s (detail removed by moderator)! That’s the it that scares me the most. -
Hi there
I’m sure that you will get lots of responses that confirm that it does continue like this.
Unfortunately the systems don’t recognise that these are controlling power freaks and the view is once we leave- that’s the problem solved. Wrong! Leopard don’t change its spots like that. Fools.
Subsequently children are still in firing line and the cycle is left to continue.
Only for the fact that we mothers are free and can better attempt to negate the effects, as opposed to living in it, in an attempt to protect them and and unwittingly perpetuating it.
There is a new bill or something that has just come out to say that children will be recognised as victims of domestic abuse too- I hope this is a game changer for services. It can’t happen fast enough.
I wonder was the abuse you experienced ever recognised in court and whether with this new bill, your son would be recognised as a potential victim too? Sorry I’m just thinking aloud here.
My thought on your post is that it would be worthwhile seeking some advice from Women’s Aid on this, either via email, or webchat perhaps. I would want to check if it is worthwhile sounding this out with child services, e.g. emotional abuse and potentially parental alienation?
It would be worthwhile getting a legal viewpoint on it too, you said you have gone nearly zero contact due to controlling messages- hopefully you have kept these. Keep a log/diary of all this. Worth checking in regularly with your GP to log this too and the effects on you etc. Possibly worthwhile mentioning to school and logging in with them regularly too. I would check this all out with Women’s Aid.
It’s not on, they are quick to take us for parental alienation but apparently it is not such a big phenomenon, or not as often found in fathers against mothers and we all know that is absolute tosh.Soulsearcher
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Your worries are the same as mine. But as my sons are getting older they are starting to recognise their dads toxic behaviours. All I have done for years now is support them when they need me, never ever say bad things about their dad but I just calmly say “ I’m sorry you had to hear that, I promise you it’s not true” or similar, depending on what they’ve been exposed to. I remind them to use their own powers of discernment in all situations. To trust their gut which is basically empowering them to see right and wrong and stand up for what is right. My eldest boy has said he doesn’t want to go to his dads any more because he doesn’t feel comfortable there. My youngest boy has said he doesn’t believe the things his dad tells him. But they love their dad so so much and I will always encourage that. I record conversations with them if I get the chance but that’s sometimes difficult as I do not bring up subjects, I let them come to me so often I’m not prepared.
Your positive and uplifting influence will be so powerful. Don’t give up xx
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