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    • #68620
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      The very fact I am on hear tells me all I need to know but for some reason I still need further validation.
      I have been with my partner for years, he has been physical with me before but it’s mostly pushing & shoving which he justifies by blocking my way and reacting when I try to ‘push’ passed.
      Recently he was picking me up from visiting family, he called to say how long away he was and I began my goodbyes. When I got in the car he said he knew he should have called me sooner as he knew I’d be longer than 2 mins (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t say much as I just thought Oh well… I said my goodbyes as soon as you called and I thought it was a bit silly really.
      Anyway, we are at home getting ready and he’s moody and when I ask why he says he’s fine but was annoyed I was late , again I said nothing as I thought it was silly.
      (detail removed by moderator) later on our way to lunch he mentions it again and asks why I haven’t said sorry…. its and the reason is because I wasn’t sorry and he was just wanting to argue.
      So i decided not to go to the booze fuelled lunch as I tried to prevent a big kick off but that resulted in some texts to say I had no respect and he was always last on my list.
      This is completely untrue and I provided an example to show how everything I do right now is for him and his family (detail removed by moderator)
      That evening he came home drunk ( which I expected after a xmas celebration). He started off asking about my day and I thought great he’s just going to be nice but he just got straight back on the respect thing because of being late out to him. We were going round in circles and I left to go and sleep in the spare room. He always calls me a c**t and other things during arguments and is never sorry as he says thats how he is with anyone he argues with. So he was downstairs muttering and walking around and the hen he came upstairs. I wanted to get back downstairs as its easier to get out if something kicks off but he wouldn’t let me passed. I felt like he would have grabbed or pushed me if I had touch him in anyway to get passed – so that he could blame me. This time he was shouting at me because he says (detail removed by moderator), to take the focus off me not respecting him.
      He went back down stairs but when he came back up i was in bed, he was stood over me shouting so I made an excuse to get up and take us downstairs…. he was slamming all the doors and absolutely raging and I knew I had to leave. I made out as if I was leaving for tissue, he slammed the door behind me and I grabbed some shoes and unlocked the door. He heard this and came out as I was trying to lock it behind me. He swung the door open and pulled his fist back as if to punch me. I remained silent and as soon as i could get my keys i left. I feel he would have hit me or grabbed me if I had reacted to him.
      This is not the first time this kind of thing has happened and I have done all I can to behave in different ways to stop it but I’m kinda feeling there’s nothing more I can do.
      I havent been back for days and I haven’t heard from him… i know this means he thinks he in the right….if he was sorry he would say.
      I’m my head I know I should leave for good but in my heart it’s hard.
      I know every relationship has something people deal with and work through, no relationship is perfect, and I worry this is our thing and I’ll be throwing in the towel even though there will always be something in a relationship that isn’t perfect – this is the part I want help with – is this a normal level of arguing or am I right to think I should never feel afraid or so scared I have to leave my home regardless of the argument?
      I worry that one day he will badly hurt me and I’ll only have myself to blame as I know what he’s like.
      Thanks for reading x

    • #68626
      KIP.
      Participant

      Youre right in your assessment however you need help to escape from an abusive relationship. The best place to start is your local women’s aid or ring the helpline on here. Don’t ever let him know you’re considering ending things, this is when these men are most dangerous. His behaviour is controlling and illegal. If you ignore your heart. Listen to your head and your gut. There are alarm bells ringing in both. Google trauma bonding. See if you recognise yourself. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. He knows exactly what he is doing. Changing the goal posts to create a fictional argument to justify his continuing abuse.

    • #68627
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there, my oh says I put others before him too. When I used to go out, he’d phone you say he was minutes away and if I wasnt outside he’d always go on at me for being late also. Why cant you just be there when I tell you, is it so hard to leave them, what’s wrong were you saying goodbye to your boyfriend😔but if I was picking him up id wait up to 30 minutes for him. Then be told now you know what it’s like, yet if I wasnt there on time, got held up in tragic or something that would be a screaming match too. We cannot win, he sees us up to fail every time.
      There’s absolutely no point in giving him examples of how you put him first or his family, you’ve slighted him and that’s justification in his eyes to berate you. They are children in men’s bodies, they’ve never gotten over being left by someone meaningful in their life as a child or whatever other reason has warped their minds and take it out on you. Without psychological help, he will NEVER change or admit he’s wrong. If he ever says sorry, it’s because he’s been found out or there’s an ulterior motive for it.
      I’m wary of passing my oh all the time, NOT just when he’s in a mood. He’ll trip me up if I walk by him and he’s sitting on the couch, he’ll accuse me of deliberately walking into him, yet I’ve tried to give as wide a berth as I can. If we’re having an arguement and I walk away, I’m just waiting on being pushed or grabbed by the hair and pulled backwards. I know what you’re going through, we all do.
      My OH also calls me a c..t,sl.g,wh..e,sl.t,he calls ALL women these vile names. He accused his own mum of being a
      pro…ute, and his ex wife, I guess I’ll be one when I leave him too 😊 if he runs out of words, he’ll take to spitting on me😠 my oh had also looked as if he’s going to punch me and then either thought better off it, or said you know what you got the last time, don’t think I won’t do it again. Threats are always there, especially if they’ve actually punched you before. That’s how they keep us in line.
      You are what’s called trauma bonded to him. Look up trauma bonding, it’ll clear a lot up for you.
      Believe me this is not your thing, I’ve persuaded myself not to throw the towel in for decades, didn’t want to have failed anither marriage. Yes marriages have ups and downs but the respective partners dont feel scared or manipulated, useless, worthless because of the other partner. We are in hell because it’s hard to explain how someone makes you feel, how do you explain something you can’t put your own finger on.
      Renember one thing, you are not to blame for his behaviour, yes some bills will talk of enablers, and such like, they are only labels. He is a grown man he is responsible for his behaviour to you. Your response is absolutely normal, you are living in what’s called survivor mode.
      Have you spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet, if the helpline is too busy, you can leave a message or, what I did was contacted my local one.
      Keep posting on here, keep reading others posts, you’ll gain strength and knowledge and with that comes power. You don’t have to take his behaviour any longer.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #68628
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Traffic not tragic😃

    • #68630
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Thank you for taking the time to reply.
      I should have mentioned that another reason I am finding this hard is because it’s fairly infrequent – perhaps once a year – and I can almost predict when it will happen as it is always when something stressful (it doesn’t have to be a terrible time , just out of the ordinary and not all laughs and jokes…something and bit more serious).
      That being said… I dont think there is anything more I can do to prevent it happening.
      Should I leave and then sort out the financial situation with him? I could get my stuff and stay away (easier said than done in reality I’m sure, but let’s pretend I can 🙂 ) but then how do I sort the house and things? X

    • #68631
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Hi there, The ladies are right go with your gut, if you feel scared and rightly so don’t put yourself in a position where your safety is in jeopardy. I was terrified of my ex if he got riled up he would get right in my face and pull a grimace, then spit on me. Horrible behaviour. I realised eventually that he new exactly what he was doing, on one occasion he had physically kicked me into a cupboard and shut the door on me. When the door bell went, he went to answer it and greeted his friend like nothing had happened, he did however take him in to the garden but I could hear him laughing and joking away. His excuse that day was he had ran out of cigarettes. No excuse. There’s never an excuse for treating someone like this.

      Call the help line and make some plans to leave. Its not worth the scars that this leaves both physically and mentally. I hope your okay and good luck xxxx best wishes DIY

    • #68634
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Once a year or every hour it doesn’t matter how frequent the abuse is. The fact is you’re scared of him and what he does or threatens to do. WA have their own solicitors who specialise in DA, they will put your mind at ease with all legalities. They’ll help with an escape plan, what to pack, they could even have a place in a refuge for you or a safe house. Please listen to your gut. You’re just waiting for him to kick off, this isn’t healthy.
      You say you can predict when he’s due to kick off have you looked up the cycle of abuse. You feel anxious, walking on eggshells, he kicks off, he’s then sorry, whether verbally or starts doing things around the house, anything to pull you back in, then there’s a period of calm and then it starts all over again. A year later or days later, doesn’t matter, but it starts all over again 😔
      You’ll do this when you’re ready, you are in control all the time, with WA, with their solicitor. Everything is done at your pace.
      IWMB 💕💕

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