Important info that helped me get out & stay out

[Living Warrior]

Hi my lovelies,
I am writing this in hope it may help some of you. Useful links- advice- practical information- amongst other things.
firstly i have been out of my abusive relationship for (removed by moderator) years, things are not fully sorted as we are still going through court about the children. Things are alot better than they were, yes things got worse before they got better, and without going into too much personal info, i slept on the floor for (removed by moderator) months so my kids could have their beds, and food etc. it was hard, BUT it was all worth it! yes at times now life tries to knock us all back down, and sometimes we all think its too much.
but ladies, i am living proof that things get better, you just have to stand tall and find yourself! Years i had of some guy putting out my sparkle, my fire, my ME! until i was literally a shell of who i was.
Only you know when enough is enough, but when you hit that point- know you are not alone!!

if you are at the stage where you are unsure whether your relationship is abuse or just normal disagreements, please visit https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwd.php this is on the womens aid website but as it isnt that easy to find, i have put the link there.
for £12 you can do “the freedom programme” online course, you get access to the book “living with the dominator” by pat craven.
this shows you different styles of abuse, in detail, and simple written, it offers you questions at the end of each chapter to ensure you understand what is written.
you get your own log in username and password and can log on whenever is convenient. ITS WORTH THE READ.

Women’s aid- really helped me, i cannot state enough how much. Yes i was terrified, when my case worker suggested going to a course/support group “the power to change” because i didnt know what to expect. i felt like i was alone walking in- i felt like the new girl at school- but after a couple of sessions, things changed- i started to anser questions or ask them, i started to open up about my experiences and things felt lighter. i felt like i was being listened to, not judged. i felt like these women were all like me, no matter their age, race, or religion. They had all had some bad experiences with men that had put us all in that room at that time.
i used their strength and they used mine, to get from one week to the next. something someone would say would stay with you and keep you going all week!! i became more like myself, and after 6 weeks i was a completely different person than the woman who walked in on that 1st session.

Women’s aid also sign posted me to “the stalking and harassment team” to help me prove that i was being harassed.
i now use an incident log- you can google this as “harassment incident log” and it will show you a template.
it was basically a detailed dairy of every incident i experienced through my ex.
Date, time, location, witnesses, police contact (including badge number and name of officers attending) detailed description of what happened. any outcomes that happened. ( detail removed by moderator)).

keeping detailed information (and back up copies) is very useful, not only for proof of escalation, but also to help remind you of the incident at a later date if needed eg. for court.
also keep copies of texts, whatsapp, emails, social media. screenshot them if need be, make sure that date and time of when they were sent or posted is visable.

This kind of thing helped get court orders in place.

It can also help with proving character within non criminal cases. Especially if the “respondent” has that camouflage where everyone just has to look at them and they believe every word, even if its a lie.
Also i found 2 apps that are pretty useful.

Hollie guard- is a personal safety app, it has an easy alert system to secretly send out alerts to your designated trusted contacts of when you are in trouble, with a click of a button from your phone. it can send silent alerts or a blazing alarm (if u get mugged or are in trouble outside) it send your location through gps to ur contacts and tells them you need help.
Bright Sky- provides support and information to people who may be in an abusive relationship, this will give you numerous resources, including how to leave an abusive relationship safetly, types of support you can receive whether you are still together or not. dispelling myths surrounding abuse. including detailed list of support services near you. it also allows you to make a diary. (detail removed by Moderator) its brilliant!

i hope this has been informative. good luck on your journeys x*x

[Supersad]

Hi
I am in extremely violent relationship physical call mental sexual financial emotional.i can’t even eexplain to you how bad it is. I am not allowed to ggo out by myself.Today I have decided I want to leave but I have a daughter of (detail removed by moderator) which I know he is trying to make me lose her.i want to document things but as he goes through my phone all tthe time.it makes it impossible.is there anyway I ccould do this without saving it on my phone.

[ISOPeace]

Hi Supersad, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It sounds truly awful and my heart goes out to you. I think a lot of people won’t have seen your post as it’s part of an old thread they probably read before you posted.

Please know that threatening to take your child away is a very common thing for abusers to do. It is incredibly unlikely that he will be able to. Please contact the national domestic abuse helpline for support and advice.

I realise it must be very difficult to reach out while you’re under so much control and with him checking your phone. If you can, please start a post so that more people see it who may be able to offer more advice. The support on this forum is incredible and will give you strength and hope.

I don’t have any ideas other than what Living Warrior has already said, but others may have some good ideas for documenting things safely.

You’re not alone, however much it feels that way. You are so brave to post here. Please reach out a but further to get a bit more help and support. You deserve to be free of this awful abuse. Sending lots of love and strength xxxxx

[Living Warrior]

hi supersad,
i am so sorry to hear bout this, (detail removed by Moderator) but if this is still too dangerous for you, then i am not sure, obviously your safety is paramount! so i will give you a few ideas that i know others have tried including myself, maybe one of these will suit you.
I really do think you need to reach out to your local womens aid, i know it is difficult but they do have ways of communicating which can help in these situations.

I kept a diary, hid it under a floorboard under my bedside table, it was easy to lift and didnt leave drag marks.
i know people who have lots of paperwork for work and such and it they kept their dairies in with that, I also know people who had left things with a close well trusted friend.
i also used the local library to set up a new email account, to which i gave to those professionals who needed it, id check it once a week under the rouse of work coffee meeting. i would use word documents type them on the library computer and send using my new email to my new email ( if that makes sense).

Im sure some of the other women will give you more information on how they did it.
but i would keep texts, whatsapps etc. dont delete them. at the very least they will help. if you cant complete a diary etc.

womens aid will be able to do you a safety plan for your exit, and it would be wise to get police involvement, i had my new home flagged, if there was a call to my address then it would be sent through as a top priority.
consider having police there when you actually leave too.
i hope some of these suggestions can help you.
good luck on your journey.

[Living Warrior]

for any newbies that may need help…help is out there. Dont give up!!

[nbumblebee]

@livingwarrior. Thank you for sharing this you are an incredable brave lady. Im certainly no where near any of this yet still finding my way through this mess but its so comforting to hear that you actually found the courage to get out.
Huge respect to you for that. I miss the old me and reading your post, hearing that someone found themselves again is heart warming. I hope you continue to fight and grow. Thank you for this. X

[Living Warrior]

Thank you, I thought I would share as I felt better when I spoke to ladies who had been there and got out and things went well.. knowing people do move on, is a gift to those who don’t think it is possible.
Yeh I agree that it’s not easy, but it is worth it!

I’m no where near where I want to be, and I have hit many hurdles on the way and there will be many more along the way… but you have to stay strong.

[Author]

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