In desperate need of kindness

[Choccomummagg]

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here.
Things are so bad now. I’m struggling to cope and keep going on.
My story- I had a care coordinator who referred me to women’s aid. I have an IDVA who has been meeting me. Because of my hubby’s behaviour we had child service check on our son. They told hubby his behaviour needs to stop for both my son and my health. Things got better to what I’d consider normal. Our case with child services was closed.
I suffer bad with (detail removed by moderator) along with extreme episodes of depression. I am stable until my husband behaviour flares up again. My care coordinator realised this but finished working with me and now I’m under CMHT. I speak to them weekly if that. Because of my problems I don’t leave the house or speak to people I don’t know because I now have a fear of people.
Well the beginning of October I done an updated dash with my idva. Things had improved so we are seeing less often to get ready to end seeing her.
This month has been hell. Of our time together (way over a decade) I hadn’t been scared of hubby just disappointed if anything. Now I’m scared. I’m scared to talk. I’m scared to move. I’m scared to look his direction. Around my parents (only people I see other than hubby and son) I don’t talk unless spoken to. I now have nightmares of my husband killing me. Trying to mentally survive right now is so hard. If I didn’t have my son I would of killed myself.
My husband shouts, swears, raises his fists, started this month just historically laughing in my face when I’ve literally begging him on my hands and knees for him to be nice. Quite a lot of the time if I say something to him he will say I’ve said something completely different and get angry because I’ve sworn or shouted. I now barely talk to him and talk quietly but he says I’m winging.
I’ve been praying I’m so desperate for help. He saw me the other day said nobody is going to f ing help me I’m stuck with this now
I tried to escape which he got mad at telling me I can’t do anything without him. He says that I want him dead
I’m like this because I listen to music a lot of the time. He’s now ended my music membership and hidden my headphones.
I tried to get help the other day not because of his behaviour but because i was suicidal. I went to text my CMHT worker and he snatched my phone off me saying I’m going crying to my little friends. I have no friends. Literally.
I keep doing things wrong. Everything I do or say is wrong. Literally I laughed at something my son was doing, first proper laugh in ages, he said what the f am I doing I think I need to get you (as in me) locked up
I need kindness
I’m scared I’m not strong enough to get through this time

[KIP.]

I hear your cries for help. Your husband is abusing you and destroying your mental health. It’s all down to him. His dysfunction and aggression. You need to somehow get out of that toxic place you are in. Is it possible to grab your son and flee to your parents? Are you safe there? The other option is a women’s refuge? Women’s aid can help you with this. Is there a house phone you can ring the police on. If he’s taken your phone from you this is illegal. The police can help you. Please know that by remaining with him, all the help in place will only treat the symptoms, not cure your health. The cure is cutting him out of your life. It won’t feel natural for a while because you are brainwashed my him.he is toxic.

[KIP.]

I became afraid of people and that was all because of the abuse. I became a shell of my former self. All because of the abuse. I lost my confidence and self esteem all because of the abuse. I became suicidal because of the abuse. You can do this. I’m free now and everything is different. I’m confident again. Abusers are bullies and you and your child deserve better than that.

[Newbeginnings1234]

My ex did similar things, he also tried to cancel my music subscription, would laugh in my face when I was upset and grabbed my phone out of my hand when I was talking to my someone and told me to stop crying to them. When I met him I suffered from mental health problems which improved after I met him, so he would constantly tell me he’d saved my life and I’d be dead without him. But I eventually realised that it was probably just a coincidence and towards the end he was making my mental health worse. I was terrified that if I left my mental health would go back to how it was before, but it hasn’t. It sounds like he’s using your mental health to justify his behaviour, which isn’t right. Have you tried calling Women’s Aid? Maybe they can suggest some options for what to do next? x

[KIP.]

When we first meet an abuser they love bomb us. They pretend to be kind and caring. That’s probably why you feel your mental health improved. As soon as the real person showed his true colours no doubt your health plummeted.

[Choccomummagg]

I’m not strong enough to leave. I wouldn’t cope.
He tells me I’d be dead without him. But I hadn’t tried to kill myself before until he started being like this.
I haven’t any money to go anywhere.
My mum and dad don’t know about how things are. Recently I’ve tried to say little hints to them about how things really are but they play it down. They both really like my husband.
Also my dad is the type of person that if he’d known everything that he’s said to me let alone what he’s done to me I’d be worried what he would do to my husband
I haven’t spoken to anyone about how things are now. Everytime I contact my CMHT workers they are away on leave. My idva has been signed off work for two weeks too.
Things were better I don’t want them thinking I’m making things up.
It’s hard to believe that it is literally everything I do or say no matter how small I get told off for. Any sound or movement I make is wrong. Newest example- I’m crocheting I paused to check I was doing it right and made a hmm noise because it was going correctly. He stopped playing his game shouted here we go what the fs wrong with you now

[KIP.]

Who says you wouldn’t cope? That’s his voice not yours. Abuse thrives on silence. He’s a liar and a manipulator. I know because my ex told me the same. I was scared it was true but it’s not. It’s him that won’t cope without someone to bully and destroy.

[Newbeginnings1234]

I also thought that I wouldn’t be able to cope and I didn’t feel strong enough to leave, it took years before I eventually left, and I’m coping much better than I thought I would. My parents didn’t know anything either until after I left. I never thought I’d be able to leave, I thought that it would end by either him killing me or me killing myself, but somehow I managed to find the strength to leave. It was hard but I know I made the right decision. Could you maybe go to a refuge? They can help if you don’t have the money to go anywhere else x

[Hetty]

Abusers lie. Say we can’t cope, how life is better with them, how they’re the only one who cares, there’s something wrong with us. Truth is they’re describing themselves not us. So afraid of losing their power and control.
If you can, find your local refuge and speak with them, if they have space you can go with whatever you have in your possession. Nothing is more valuable than your safety and your life. Everything can be replaced in time, you can’t. Don’t let him destroy you. Don’t believe his lies. Tell your mental health worker everything. They have a duty of care to you and your son

[diymum@1]

thinking and doing are two different things. you would cope better. these guys thrive on your fears they tell you over and over you wont cope you wont survive. i felt the same but i did survive and im honestly the most insecure person when it comes to being on my own. my downfall in a big way. you will make it through xx refuge sounds like your best option youll be supported there xx

[Lisa]

Hi Choccomummagg

Just wanted to show you some support, things can change very suddenly in an abusive relationship and often if things have been ok for a while then its almost on cue that his behaviour would change because i think abusers get bored when things are calm, they thrive on power and control and seeing how they can hurt you.
Your IDVA will believe you, any domestic abuse professional will because they know this.

If you cant get hold of your IDVA i would encourage you to call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 and leave a message for a safe time for them to call you back as it can be very hard to get through on a live call as the helpline is always busy.
When you speak to a helpline worker ask them to explain about the option of a refuge just so you have all the information you need about this in case you decide you would like to go, this will probably be your quickest way out of the situation and the helpline can give you refuge numbers on a daily basis if you call them each day for vacancies.

I know this probably feels all to much at the moment and you are trying to survive each day, keep going you are doing well, take each day at a time and keep reaching out for help.

We are here for you.

Lisa

[Getmylifeback]

Hi there . I have been where you are and fled with my children nearly 6 months ago. He broke me emotionally, I’m still trying to get back slowly to who I was and it will take a long time.

My parents knew snippets but not all of it then one day I broke down to my mum half way through a spa day. She told me to do what I needed to and they’d support me 100 percent. So I planned my escape and packed up clothes and few kids toys and left. Stayed at parents whilst sorted my house out which was great support for the kids too .

You are much stronger than you think. Just think how scared you are now and yes the next step is terrifying but in the future you could be free. My anxiety has settled so much, only time it comes back I’d when I see he is ringing me or I can tell he’s in one of his moods when he picks kids up.

If your parents knew the truth I’m sure they’d support you.

I don’t post much but you sound just like I did a year ago and honestly I wish I’d done it years ago. You can do this x

[Author]

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