In need of help or advice

[Anonymous]

Hello lovely ladies,

I’m really struggling with having to go to the contact centre for my ex to have contact with our child. Our (detail removed by moderator) children refuse to go, and I get a lot of backlash from them about it. One of my children was even having nightmares when they found out that their father was going to be allowed contact, even with it being (detail removed by moderator). The people who work in the centre have been wooed by my ex, even to the point that they have to share with me how wonderful they think he is. This really messes with my head. It makes me feel crazy, at fault, and if I’m honest a bit depressed. I feel like I will never escape from this man.
My eldest who is a (detail removed by moderator) also told me that they don’t want to meet their friends in (detail removed by moderator) because they are afraid they will see their father. They told me that they only go when they forgot that their father exists. And one time while out they thought they saw their father and felt like (detail removed by moderator). This is heartbreaking. I don’t know how to help.
Also our (detail removed by moderator) who goes to the centre to visit their father came back from the last contact saying something that meant their father never harmed me physically. Can he say this in the centre? I feel like this is something that should not be allowed, or at least should be recorded in their notes.
Any help or advice is welcome. Thank you for reading this post. I hope it is not too identifying.

[KIP.]

Hi there. Please keep a detailed journal of everything that’s going on.the things your children say. Their behaviour on their return. The comments that he makes. The whole point of supervised contact is to prevent this kind of brainwashing of children. Contact your local women’s aid for support and if you have a solicitor then I’d ask about stopping contact all together. Rights for Women have a free legal helpline. Abusers are liars and con men. He will try to charm anyone that he needs on his side and the staff should know better than sharing information about how great he is. I’d speak to a supervisor and ask that the staff do their job and not pass comment on this man who has hurt you. Women’s aid know all about these men and perhaps you could ask your local branch to intervene. There is also the national domestic abuse helpline who may have more information for you. The children shouldn’t have to live in fear like this x

[Anonymous]

Hi KIP.,

Thank you for your reply. You are always so supportive. I have contacted the centre to share what happened, but did not get a reply. Which made me feel even worse.
I’ll contact Women’s Rights for advice.
I have a solicitor who I tried to contact as well. They must be busy. But when they don’t reply it makes me doubt myself even more. I feel like a mess. I start thinking maybe my solicitor doesn’t even believe me.
Thanks again!
I hope you are well xx

[KIP.]

That self doubt comes from abuse and gaslighting. When you feel that way think of the truth as a rock in a choppy sea and those waves of doubt will try to push you off that rock but you just hang on to it. As your confidence returns you will tackle these situations without hesitation and by doing these things now you’re actually practicing for the future and improving your confidence building. Lean on women’s aid if you can, if you have an advocacy worker perhaps she can explain the dynamics of an abuser and what to look out for during visits but you’d think they would be trained in this so that’s a question you can ask the contact centre manager. Exactly what training her staff have had on domestic abuse and coercive control x it feels like a constant battle with these men so make sure you’re taking time for yourself. Even if it’s just a hot bath or a silly movie that makes you smile x

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