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    • #147107
      TinyButTough
      Participant

      Hi, I’m new here! Just joined today, thought I would try posting on here because I’m feeling so so lost right now and I really think hearing from people who have experienced the same thing may help me. Im sorry this post will probably be a long one but please bear with me I would really appreciate it, I will try shorten it as much as possible! I’ve just gotten out of my abusive relationship (detail removed by Moderator) ago. I didn’t actually leave him, the police took him away. He is currently (detail removed by Moderator) for his latest assault on me. We are totally over now though. I guess I’m just feeling very lost and confused now that I’m left on my own. My home where he lived with me just feels so silent and empty now, it used to be so loud and chaotic but that’s what I grew used to. I grew used to constantly walking on eggshells, doing everything he wanted, just to avoid him kicking off. Now I’m on my own I don’t know what to do with myself. Is it crazy that I miss him? The physical abuse was bad enough but it’s the mental abuse that’s really done the damage to me, my black eyes have healed but my heads a mess from all his mind games and manipulation. I feel like I’m never going to trust anyone ever again. Does it get easier? Like honestly? He was so controlling he even went through all my stuff and found my notebook with my passwords in it, logged into all my social media behind my back for weeeeks without me knowing, reading all my messages. And he would even check my underwear when I got home from being out anywhere!! The worst part of this is he thinks all his behaviour is normal. And for ages he had me convinced it’s normal too. I just wish he would take responsibility, how can he not see that he’s an abuser? I’m not the only partner he’s done this to either. I just wish he was sorry, but he has no shame, no remorse, it’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault. Sorry for the rant, just really needed someone to talk to and I don’t really have any friends left anymore! Just feel like I’m going crazy, he always had me doubting myself. Just wish I could be me again, don’t recognise myself anymore..

    • #147113
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there, I’ve been where you are and I promise it will get better. Some good counselling when you’re ready as many of us are left with post traumatic stress disorder. Talk to your GP. Also contact your local womens aid and build a support network of people who understand. The national domestic abuse helpline was good for me. It’s 24/7. Also the Samaritans were good to talk to. Be very kind to yourself. You’ve been brainwashed and programmed and that’s going to take time to unravel. Google trauma bonding. The power and control wheel. And read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Total zero contact is the quickest way to heal. Sadly these men are often serial abusers. Their arrogance and entitlement is shocking to reasonable people. I thought my ex would hang his head in shame but he blamed me for everything and refused to accept accountability. He’s obviously done this before and learned nothing but how to carryon abusing. Well done for holding him accountable. Hold your head high x you will get through this x

    • #147136
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi TinyButTough

      Welcome to the forum.

      You are going to be ok!

      It will take time and you might have some surprising and upsetting emotions to deal with. Try not to be afraid of what you are feeling. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

      KIP has given you some really helpful suggestions. Visit the forum whenever you need. We’re all at different stages of the same journey and everyone gets it in a way that others just can’t comprehend.

      Take it one day at a time. xx

    • #147244
      Auriel
      Participant

      They won’t take responsibility, they never take responsibility (they might sound sometimes like they’re taking some kind of responsibility but that’s usually for some gain) and the going through everything is their paranoia, seeing and trying to find out what your saying about them or trying to find dirt they can use against you, if the quiet is bothering you cos you used to the opposite (and if your not left with fear of people or agoraphobia) maybe start joining different things, support groups, groups for things you like, things to start socialising again, the recovery groups after the freedom programme are starting up again my local area, so maybe they’ll be starting again in yours too, if you’ve not done the freedom course it’s handy, but finding things to do is a good way to not ruminate over the things they said that get stuck in your mind (I don’t mean as a way to not feel and forget cos going through the feelings without switching off is essential to be able to get through it) it’s ok to miss him as long as it isn’t so much that you’d take him back as the cycle would never change and he’s blaming everyone, making out it’s normal and it’s not it’s completely abnormal! you got used to +accustomed to it like I did with the going through everything/looking for things/checking me for marks ????? I’ve been out for a bit and it’s really sick and weird what they do they’ve got clear issues (as time goes by you will see how weird it all was) police don’t take people away without good cause, please make sure to block him in any contact you can, online or with numbers
      💜🧡💜

    • #147301
      Funduro
      Participant

      You’re lucky the police took him away. They only seem to help when there is physical violence. All the emotional abuse I reported got blanked off by two different police forces. I wish the police would take my ex away and lock him up for what he did to me. Silver lining…he is gone now and you get to rebuild your life without being stalked hopefully, seen as the police have acknowledged your domestic violence. I get what you mean about missing them, this is because they weren’t always horrible. It’s nasty then nice, nasty then nice how they operate. It’s all the head games that mess you up the most too. I hope they lock your ex up for your sake and his next victims. Stay strong 💪

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