In need of validation 😞 I’m broken

[Wolfram999@]

Hi to you all, Im in desperate need of help,
I’ve been with my partner for a long time now
We have 4 children. I’ve recently only started to see that what I was enduring is abuse through research and that I was groomed and manipulated from the beginning 🥺
I don’t know me anymore, I am broken
I’ve stayed for this long for the children and have even considered suicide so that I didn’t effect the children with a breakup 😔
I don’t know where to start.
Is it normal to have to expect constant sexual touching and sex even if you don’t want to? Because if I don’t I get seriously guilt tripped and verbally abused, so I’ve become to afraid now to pull away.
Is it normal to have to shut my self away when I feel sad and if I’m crying or feeling ill? Because he gets irritated by the site of it and says things like “what are you crying for!!” I don’t get any comfort and emotional support not even when I lost 2 babies (detail removed by moderator). He has no care for my feelings.
Is it normal to except humiliation in-front of friends and family? If I have an opinion on something I get shouted down, with remarks like “ (detail removed by moderator)” Or “miserable f****r ain’t you!!”
There are many other examples but I’m so lost I don’t know reality anymore

[RadiantView]

Hello Wolfram999@

Do not doubt yourself.
You are right, what you have experienced and are experiencing is most definitely abuse. I have experience of this myself. It happens little by little and before long almost without you noticing it the abuse becomes so normal that not only do you blame yourself for the awful way you are treated but you no longer trust what you see and hear and feel. It took years for me to realise that what was happening to me was real and was actually dreadful abuse. I had spent so many years thinking that I had to be a better wife, I had to be a better woman, I had to be better in every way.
Once I realised that what I was experiencing was abuse then the shame kicked in. I was ashamed to think that I had let this happen to me -how could this have happened to me -I am a strong and intelligent woman but it did happen.
I was married for a long time and had children but we got away.
Can you get some help locally or even just someone to talk to.
You are being treated abominably and it is not all in your imagination.
Please consider yourself validated. You can and will make changes.

[ladiesand gentlemen]

Never doubt yourself
My husband is just the same, we have been together over (detail removed by Moderator) years, and on reflection he has always kept me as down and as dowdy as possible, very short hair, hardly any clothes, make up etc etc.
I have stayed for many reasons, always believing it was my fault,( well he said it was all my fault,) whatever happens!!! I now know that he is so fickle, charming outside and miserable at home, switching personalities whenever he likes, we never go out, TV is my friend.
The only way I have found to avoid things flaring up is to move to my bedroom all day and night, apart from exercising and chores, so it makes perfect sense to me that you want to escape when you cant take anymore
I understand how broken you feel, but its not you its him !!!!
Remember you are raising 4 wonderful human beings, that will make their own minds up about things when they are old enough.
They are actually weak men to be hurting women so much and his behaviour towards you is totally unacceptable.
Try to stay strong, rest when you can, and never give up, your children need you

[Headspin]

This could be me who wrote all the above three. We get to a stage that we truly don’t trust what we see and hear any more. It is only recently that I have realised (through the help of my adult daughters) and counselling that I have suffered serious abuse. Wolfram, I totally understand the humiliation in front of friends and family, it is beyond understanding. I too have been shouted down and sneered at in front of people. Really private matters have been discussed by him in front of others. It’s only “normal” in an abusive relationship. My husband loves to see me squirming and cringing with embarrassment, it makes him feel superior. Our partner is the one person in the world we expect to be our supporters, so the disloyalty and nastiness comes as a huge shock. The effect of years of toxic behaviour destroys our physical and mental health. I am so sorry that you lost 2 babies and he didn’t look after you properly, when my mum died I was devastated but was told it was P*S and not grief, he pushed me away as he shouted this in my face. Foolishly I had turned to him for comfort. I know how messed up he is when I pointed out to a friend that it was lovely that her husband had spoken to her so nicely. She said being spoken to nicely was “base line” behaviour. I had to admit that I have spent over half my life being abused by him and being spoken down to. Being treated nicely by a man is totally alien to me, I actually don’t know how it works. My dad was lovely to me, that’s my only frame of reference. I can only say to you what my counsellor said to me, you are strong, look what you’ve been through.
All the women on here have been through horrendous situations, the support on here is amazing. I was a sobbing mess in my first post a few weeks ago and the help was beyond anything I expected. Just knowing that you aren’t alone, that other women out there are also abused, screamed at, told they’re useless, controlled, humiliated too. It helps immensely to feel part of a supportive community. It also made me feel better to know that I wasn’t the only one to think I was pathetic for not knowing what was going on. I was once full of fun, good job, social life, within a couple of years of marriage I was a quivering mess with anxiety, wasn’t allowed to attend my place of worship, couldn’t afford my hobbies, couldn’t afford clothes, haircuts or makeup, you name it, he stopped it.
Take care of yourself and know that nothing about his behaviour is your fault. Keep posting on here for support.

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