26th October 2020 at 5:34 pm #115664
Night after night I have the grossest incest dreams you could ever imagine. Not just with the perpetrator different family members. I’m doing so well trying to keep my head above the water but it’s so hard. I’m getting a bit confused over if things have really happened or not. I feel like everything I say is a lie. There’s someone coming in the week I think it’s to help me because I’m having a crisis but sometimes this things go all wrong and it’s social care saying I’m too mad to look after my own children. I feel very wary and I’m not really sure of things. I do know I feel like a terrible mother who cant look after my own kids. I feel tormented by decades old and decades of abuse. I’m worried about not being good enough. And I feel ashamed that I’m not good enough. My ex is there helping out every time I need him and I feel like I was probably wrong about him too. There’s times I couldn’t have gone on without his help with my youngest. (Its not a situation where I’m going back). I dont know but i feel confused and tired
27th October 2020 at 8:14 pm #115725LisaMain Moderator
How are you since posting? I hope it helped to offload to us. I am sorry to hear how difficult things are at the moment. I hope the person coming to see you this week offers support to you and your children. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, take each day as it comes and lean on the support available.
Keep posting to us, we are here for you.
28th October 2020 at 12:14 pm #115750
Nothing much has changed. I get no rest at night and all day …..I’m just not acting normal. It’s like I’ve turned a corner and forgotten how to. I feel like I don’t know who I am again and that maybe I was wrong about my feelings and I dont know….I’m trying to be strong but everything seems to be never ending
28th October 2020 at 7:37 pm #115763LisaMain Moderator
You must be feeling exhausted, sounds like you are doubting yourself but I am sure you are right about everything. You have been through so much, please stay strong, you can get through this.
Keep posting and take care,
30th October 2020 at 9:47 am #115826
The dr thinks those feelings of doubt will go again once I start having therapy again. It is so exhausting. I’m doubting everything.
12th November 2020 at 11:42 pm #116330SymphonyParticipant
What you are describing is just how i was feeling a few years back ….on the edge of madness and feeling I was the bad one….
You are not mad or bad!
What was done to you was mad and Bad .
I hope and pray you can talk to a therapist soon. It is a great help.
I will help you make sense of what is happening to you.
Please know you are not alone ans it will get better xx
13th November 2020 at 10:42 pm #116352fizzylemParticipant
Hi FF, so sorry to read you are struggling again. You are good enough, you are always enough, even when you feel you are not and have nothing to give – you are still enough; if only you could feel this hey. I used to feel this way in my twenties, in a constant state of feeling not good enough and that I was going mad at times, it’s awful. The way forward for me was to learn who I am, I developed a strong sense of ‘self identity’. When we are abused in childhood we never develop this, it’s like we have no foundation from which to grow in a healthy way; we learn only to mistrust. The good news is this time has now passed, you are an adult now and are not that powerless little girl anymore, you are woman with choices.
Hang in there flower and get the help you need. Chances are it feels much bigger inside, hidden, that it’s too complex to workout; it often feels because it’s always been like this there is only more of the same, because you haven’t got to that place yet, the place where all is ok in the world, a place where you feel ok to be me. It is infornt of you, if you reach for this. Therapy is the best place to help you workout who you are, become who you already are really – without the demons.
If you’re interested have a look into what is self identity. It’s what helps us with personal boundaries too x
13th November 2020 at 10:51 pm #116353fizzylemParticipant
Also, google ‘The Paradoxical Theory of change’ –
“This theory can be summarised as: change occurs when a person becomes what they are, not when they try to become what they are not. In other words, we can’t make ourselves or anyone change in line with some ideal, but we will naturally change in an organic, meaningful and orderly way when we allow ourselves and others to be as we and they truly are”.
15th November 2020 at 11:04 am #116379
Thanks symphony and fizzy. These feelings are so overwhelming. I dont think I’ve ever known who I am. I’ve been told I’m a liar and a thief since I was little by someone who lied his way through stealing my childhood and any semblance of a real life I might ever have had. The things I look at are so disturbing but but somehow it gives me comfort. I need to speak to someone about it because with every peek into the dark I lose a bit of me. I’ll have a look at those things fizzy. Thank you both x*x
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