Inconsistent Fathers

[zenmomma]

I am well out of the daily abuse and on my way to recovery. Contact has been determined by (detail removed by moderator)

Throughout court (and before really) X has been flaky he doesn’t get the important pf consistency and reliability when parenting. There has yet again been a break in contact for about (detail removed by moderator). The contact centre closed, despite being issued with an order from court and other recommendations for alternatives he has been absent no card, gift or letter explaining things.

Now reared his head again and through a solicitor suggested a place that he can apparently get (Detail removed by moderator). I am worried about the affect this will have on DD long term if contact starts AGAIN and then stops.

Has anyone else had experience of this, when can I say enough is enough? As an adult if I were being treated like this I would have the voice and autonomy to walk away and say no more yet my DD who is young seems to just have to put up with it and get confusing messages and be in emotional turmoil, thinking her dad doesn’t love her any more and that she maybe did something wrong. (I have reassured her that she has done nothing wrong and that I am sure her daddy loves her and that she has lots of family that love her and love to spend time with her, I am being careful as in court the x suggested I was alienating him, for the record it was deemed I wasn’t)

Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice/support?

[Lisa]

Hello Zenmomma,

I am so sorry to hear how your ex has behaved in terms of the inconsistent and self interested relationship he expects with your daughter.

Unfortunately it is so common for abusers to use the issue of contact to retain their power and control over our lives. Quite often they are not interested in having a good or meaningful relationship with their child but expect to have contact on their terms to suit their own needs or agenda.

It can be so frustrating when we feel powerless to protect our children from the emotional toll this takes on them. I imagine it is incredibly difficult to hear her express these feelings, it sounds like you are doing a great job of reassuring and supporting her.

It might be helpful to speak to a family law solicitor about your rights in terms of denying contact, this should be detailed in the court order. I don’t know the specifics of the order but from what you describe it sounds like he may be in breach of it by making no contact for long periods. It would be useful to keep a log of this in case you get an opportunity to present evidence of his neglect at a later date.

You could try Rights of Women who could answer these queries, they have a free family law advice line, https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

I’m sure others will be along to offer advice soon.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[KIP.]

I’d say enough is enough now and you articulate the reasons very well. The effects of his behaviour on your child. The contact centre was suggested for very good reason and he can go back to square one if he wants further contact x

[zenmomma]

Thankyou guys.
It is so frustrating and upsetting when you know the damage that could be done its just not fair.

I will look at the rights of women and I have passed to my solicitor.
I so want to say no jog on she will find you if she wants when she is an adult but I’ve worked so hard to not be awkward I don’t want to blow that reputation. Saying that my momma bear side will surface very soon
It is so annoying when you explain to people that it is being done to control me not see his child professionals look at you like you’re the one with inflated ego

Thanks again guys it’s a good feeling all be it sad to know I’m not alone.

[Author]

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