independent co-dependent

[drowningmind]

Hey, Im in a tricky situation at the moment, i want to leave my controlling and abusive boyfriend but he is dependent on me for money and housing, as my mum pays for me, he hasn’t got any money,
i dont know how to leave the relationship without leaving him homeless and/or wanting to f**k up my life or hurt me and my family.
I want to be free and live with my family, i thought it would be a good idea to buy him a coach ticket to the area his mum lives and giving him money/ signing both our benefits to his account so he has something to stat with, i have no idea how to go about it all,
do i contact his mum or his brother how do i tell him im staying where i am, how do i do it all??!!?

[Confused123]

hi

its strange how all of us that are or were in abusive relationship seemed to support the abusers financially. i wouldnt recommend telling ex family they could just tell him, i would advise u to call the help line and get in touch with domestic violence agencies to see if they can guide u how to make a plan. u def dont want to be giving your benefits to him , that could get u in to trouble later, sending him to his mums sounds like a good idea, u really need advice before u make a decision , willthink more and see if can advice u more, just replying b4 heaaading tooo work

[drowningmind]

thanks for replying, and i know i may just buy him a ticket give him £(detail removed by moderator) and tell him to go, i want to pack my stuff first so he can’t take anything and drop it off at my parents but I don’t know how I’ll do all of this without him getting angry.
I’ll call the line when I can and see if they can help thanks for your advice,
just having someone who also was stuck giving me some helpful words is really nice

[Confused123]

HI HUn
if you are planning to leave the property too, then slowly pack your things and secretly take out, you are going to have to do this in small steps, thats what i did, i pritoised all my clothes first, clothes that i would need for daily wear, then i divided into essential clothes and esssential items, i had them [packed in black bags and hid in bedroom and in suitcases, when u feel safe remove stuff, could u leave at a friends house, another survivor i know pre pack and just hired a can and had everything removed, then after say your mum wonbt pay rent so u going back home and suggest he does same then break off when u safe

[Twisted Sister]

good luck with your plans, and stay safe you are well out of the area before he knows anything. that way there can be no consequences for you.

please don’t try to arrange for him to have your benefits as you could get into serious trouble for this.

I don’t think anyone wants to see someone out on the street, even those that treat us badly, but its got to be one of the hardest parts of getting away. domestic situations can take a lot of untangling. Ive had one that was financially dependent, another not, but reliant on my housing and its ability to give him a cheaper life. both were very hard to get out of. do feel for you so much. keep talkign to your mum and whomever else you can trust 100% to ensure your plan doesnt slip out in any way.

love and strength to you xxks

[drowningmind]

thanks for the reply, sorry Ive taken so long to answer!
I have packed a bag of stuff and told him its stuff ‘i dont need’ i plan on dropping it off at my parents house tomorrow, I read a book written by a woman who went through an abusive marriage, she had a tip which said ‘Do something everyday that pertains to your escape’ and it really inspired me,
Ive been looking for a room for him to rent, I would pay the first month and the deposit, then give him some cash and help him sort out housing benefits and other benefits,
I think this will make me feel less sympathy for him and be stronger to stay away, also he will probably stay away as I have given him what he wanted,
is this a good idea? or am I just going to get myself stuck further in?

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