5th August 2020 at 6:50 am #111623
This may turn into a long post ladies, but I really really wanted to share my feelings of positivity with you… mostly because up until recently I didn’t really think I could get to this point. But wow, it’s started to happen, and it’s like a snowball.
It took a very low point to give me the push I needed to leave. I’d discovered his second bout of cheating in quite a hurtful and graphic way. But it wasn’t that but more the acknowledgement of all his behaviours surrounding it. The cheating had been going on for years… but when I felt something was wrong…asked him to go to counselling, begged him to tell me how I could be a better wife or what else could be done to make our situation happy.. he’d always told me I was mental, that everything was in my head, that I was the one with the problem and as far as he was concerned the marriage was absolutely fine. I now also acknowledge that he would pick fights (then blame them on me) before he went and did his cheating. His attitude and mood was poisonous and I couldn’t do anything right.
When I uncovered the extent of the cheating, I escaped to a friends for a few days to process. I did the usual self-blame and questioning myself (he’d re-enforced this by telling me it was because I wasn’t fun anymore). I described some behaviours to my friend and she used the term ‘gaslighting’.. I’d never heard it before. I did research, then spent a whole night in tears and was flooded with realisation of his controlling and manipulative behaviours over our very long marriage: from being persuaded to drop some friends (especially male ones), to what tv I was allowed to watch…getting me to drop all hobbies and interests insisting but by bit they were for freaks and weirdos. To the constant out-downs and being told I was always wrong… and all the rest.. but I digress.
Anyway. My greatest fear of leaving was that my children would be so unhappy and they would resent me. I truly believed he would turn them against me or want to take them. I was wrong. A good friend had tried to reassure me that woman are more naturally nurturing and most men don’t have the same capacities as us to parent to the same extent… I didn’t believe it, but I’m starting to.
So here’s the positive bit…
In the last week I have been the best version of a parent I’ve ever been. The house is calm, it’s happy, the mood is light and I am growing in strength every day. All those fears are leaving. The kids dad has been useless, only had them over for tea a few times, made lots of excuses about not having WiFi for them, or it not being safe there yet (when he could take them out)… that he can’t afford to feed them etc…and do you know what? I’m handling it with such dignity. I reassure the kids that he’s doing everything he can. I tell them he misses and loves them but he’s really busy working and sorting out his place. I’m being calm and amicable in front of them… and with him too which is really not what he’s been pushing for.
I’m absolutely starting to feel like my old self. I’m playing music and dancing as I cook, clean and amuse the children. I’ve got back in touch with old friends and already met an old school friend for coffee. Ladies… it’s a huge shift and some days I can’t believe I’ve this capacity to thrive. It really is a snowball, and I’m guessing the kids sense it to. They must be acknowledging that mom is so much happier and fun… and is laughing… as are they! Wow. It’s possible. I know for so many it’s beyond the comprehension of hope but I just need you to know that it’s there.
We are so much much stronger than we realise (and that’s mostly to do with them eroding that from us). Stay hopeful… keep believing in yourself… remain focused. And keep reading about the positive stuff because it’s really helpful to know it can happen.
I do know it’s still early days for me and there will be many more bad days still to rear their heads… but for now I’m rolling with this new sense of who I am and I can’t wait for the next chapter.
To all you beautiful ladies who are and who have suffered, be brave, love yourself, you deserve a good life. Take care x*x
5th August 2020 at 2:18 pm #111653RisingupParticipant
Thank you for your post. Just reading it made me smile. I’m still with my partner but visiting relatives for (detail removed by moderator). It’s been like a breath of fresh air to be away from him.I’ve been battling with his abusive: cheating, emotional and psychological, for many years. You made me smile when you said you danced making dinner…I feel the same now I’m away from him. He turned meal times into such a miserable experience for me, but I’m finally laughing and enjoying this time with my children. Very proud of what you’ve achieved. You have given me hope that I too can move away very soon xx
5th August 2020 at 3:10 pm #1116551hotcoffee1Participant
The joy and happiness that your are projecting has brought tears of happiness to my eyes, you sound like you are on the journey towards your best life, be very proud, stay as positive as you can and most importantly…. Keep it going… the sky is the limit 🙂 xx
5th August 2020 at 6:48 pm #111665
I’m so glad you’re getting a chance to feel that glimpse of happiness and enjoyment! I really hope it works out for you in the end. I honestly never knew what a relief it would be or that I could have this positivity. Good luck and keep dancing x*x
5th August 2020 at 6:50 pm #111666
Thank you 1hotcoffee1 for a lovely reply. This forum has been a huge help for me. I hope that my recent experience brings a little bit of hope to others x*x
5th August 2020 at 6:25 pm #111664Soulsearcher18Participant
Great post, so good to hear this. Check out ‘The Chicks- Gaslighter’ great song.
I hadn’t known about gaslighting until a few months before I got out and when I did it was a revelation. Couldn’t unsee it then.
Enjoy your freedom xx
5th August 2020 at 6:52 pm #111667
Soulsearcher18 thank you for your reply, it really is that epiphany moment learning about it isn’t it? I will check that out. Thanks so much and best of luck x*x
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