Intimacy

[Confused123]

Hi Ladies

Hope you dont find this topic inappropriate but i know a lot of ladies can relate. So when i used to be with ex he used to always force me to have sex, take as and when he wanted and really didnt care how i felt , really did just treat me as an object to f*** all the time. Really did make me drop my standards by just letting him have , but then i know would of just got beaten anyway if refused and that was my cycle when i did refuse. Anyway when he wanted to be would be rough , not bother if i was in tears or tired. Now that i have sort of recovered , what i fiind is towards the end of relationship he would make me have sex but not allow me to express any emotions, even if i was enjoying it , would p**s him off and if i showed no reaction would p**s him off. really did make me feel i was losing plot as i generally did have high sex drive till all the control began ..

But now im ready to consider another relationship i find am so on guard to not get hurt, even if i feel attracted to a guy i panic he may be the wrong one and just hurt me again . Im worried i will just not be able to connect on a inimate level as ex was the only one i had ever slept with , my confidence has grown with guys and i can chat and have a laugh with them, even have a meal with them , wheras at first i couldnt even have a drink with a guy never mind chat to them, so im more relaxed on that level . I just find some people openly sleep with others and exchange pic (clean pic i am refering to ) but i find this real difficult to do, am worried will be seen as weird for not just sleeping with anyone, the dating game has changed so much . I know a lot will say maybe im still not ready, but i just want to have fun b4 the right guy comes along so i can get over my relationship fears. I mean i got to the point where i even refused to kiss ex as he always forced himself on me …. gosh feel like a prune , any tips

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Confused,

I think it’s totally normal you are anxious and worried about sex with a new partner after what you’ve been through. I’m very sorry to hear about what you ex did, it sounds horrendous and no doubt took a lot of time, self care and therapy to recover from.

Like you I also don’t feel comfortable with the current dating trend of people using apps to ‘hook up’ with new people each night and how casual it all is. I’m not judging people who do it, but to me it makes me feel depressed. I have always just wanted a wonderful life long partner, which seems difficult to find these days (even though I am surrounded by couples – I have no idea where they find these commitment friendly men!)

I think just keep taking it really slow. Get to know all potential partners as friends first. The only nice boyfriend I’ve ever had was my friend first. The rest mostly lost interest after a few months of sleeping together and some were abusive in varying levels. If you’re looking for a partner, you want someone who actually cares for you as a human being.

Obviously if you are wanting to stay single and just date a lot then that’s totally fine too, whatever you feel comfortable doing is what you should do. Go with your gut and your intuition and it will guide you, it is never wrong.

I randomly signed up for a niche dating site recently partly because I don’t have a huge amount of time left if I want to have a family with a man and partly to see how triggered I felt. It’s been surprisingly ok as it’s not a sleazy site, but it’s confirmed that I’m not ready to date yet. I was speaking to one man and noticed the same old usual red flags, not of an abuser but of a guy just wanting sex. He didn’t ask me many questions and seemed in a hurry to get to the phone stage. I politely said I wasn’t ready and wished him good luck – my gut didn’t like the way he was responding on there.

I hope your dating goes well, you really deserve to enjoy yourself and find some great guys to date! 🙂

P.S Anyone who implies you are weird for wanting to take things slow is not someone you want in your life – if they react like that use it as a useful indicator that they are unsuitable and move onto the next one who will treat you with respect and won’t pressure you etc.

[Tiffany]

Prudish advice back I am afraid. A lot of my friends are young and single. A fair number of them have a fair number of one night stands. I can’t say that any of them enjoy them much. Between bad sex, std scares and low self esteem I can’t say that they seem particularly appealing. I also don’t think as many people expect it as a part of dating and will pressure you for it. And if they do it is an excellent flag telling you to run for the hills. Sex is never going to be great if you don’t feel safe with your partner.

Get to know people. Let them know you struggle with intimacy. I have had to do this about kissing in all my relationships. My first kiss was to a man around 40 years my senior who wouldn’t let me out of a dance hall until I kissed him. It was a joke of sorts. He’d made all the women in the room kiss him. And I looked older than I was so he probably didn’t realise I was underage. But it made me really uncomfortable with kissing. All my partners have been really patient about it. (The only sexual elements in my abuse were withholding of sex and refusal to use contraception and I feel very grateful for that – he didn’t even complain if I stopped sex halfway through). I expect that level of respect from anyone I sleep with.

You say yourself you are more comfortable with talking to men. You could work up to telling a man you find him attractive. If he finds you attractive too then you can work up to kissing him – if he is nice he’ll give you a bit of time to work up to it – and if he isn’t then ditch him. The practice kissing until it feels safe and comfortable – he is unlikely to object to this stage. Then move onto intimacy when you feel ready. If the entire process takes you months (I’m assuming you don’t want it to last longer but if it does so be it) then that is fine. It is also fine if it takes you 20 minutes from declaring attraction to sex. But go at your pace, unless he wants to take things slower than you do, in which case you get to do the waiting. Hope this helps!

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Thxs for replying, glad im not the only one that think similar about datin apps. Yes i am taking things slowly and like u have found some men just after sex , part of my recovery is respecting myself and not ever letting anyone treat me like c**p again, i beleive i stop loving myself when the abuse was bad and i felt so trap, one thing ill never do again, i have engraved so deep i am important now . am meeting some lovely guys which have totally changed my prospect of guys , that they can actually be nice and real gentlemen even though im always on guard its not a act, being around my brothers has helped loads, i see how much they love partners and go out of their way to keep them happy, so proud of the respect they show their partenrs, how i ended up with such a controllign abuser is horrfying . i know im still in recovery , a guy actually ask me what i wanted recently and i just said not ready to commit, to busy on settling me and the children and focusing on me . He was suprised but accepted , lol clearly had no idea of what i had been through and wasnt going to disclose but made me realise i want intimate relationship but cant commit, whoever comes in my life is going to have to be so patient with me

[Confused123]

hi tiffany

thxs for reply, intresting to hear different prescpeticves and appreciate all the tips, suppose i have to stop seeing myself as a sex object and give myself more respect if that makes senses and yeah just see what happens when i find someone i like

[Author]

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