Invading my safe places

[cakepops]

Does anyone have any tips on how to cope with an abuser invading your safe spaces? My ex moved away to another town, and therefore I rarely saw him other than when handing over the children. Recently he has been here lots all of a sudden. I keep seeing his vehicle and also he makes a big deal about saying he’s off to visit friends after handover of the kids. I’ve now discovered that he’s just been put in charge of a (removed by moderator) project that I used to be very involved in before covid, and which will impact upon much of my life for various reasons.

As there are ongoing issues with harassment etc I now feel that I can’t any longer be involved with a lot of these things. I used to feel safe here, but now I’m jumpy and worried about bumping into him. I am also worried about my ex telling everyone lies about the situation. He comes across as such a lovely believable man with such a sob story about my supposed behaviour (he tells everyone I was abusive).

Any advice?

[fizzylem]

Hi CP, can relate, my ex has run a smear campaign for years; lots of people believe him, interestingly, no one that knows me though; just his friends, family, new partner and work place. It’s infuriating isn’t it; but we have no control over this, only how we deal with it. I find the only way to deal with it is to not think about it, to put it out of my mind, stay with my truth. I know that if I don’t that this will only lead me into much anger. There really is nothing we can do about it is there, so for me this means letting it go. It can bite you as well sometimes, when it becomes obvious others have taken his side, this can feel rubbish, but the same priciple applies, if they want to suffer fools this is entitrely their choice hey. When it comes to anger I always ask myself can I control or influence this? And if the answer is no I step away. Good to express how you feel with someone first, quite often this is all we need.

I would keep a diary and log all this; he’s not breaking the law is he. But, if there is an incident or you gather enough evidence to show there are patterns and how this is effecting you, then you would be able to either get the police to deal with him or get an injunction in the civil court, like a non molestation order. It’s usually best if you have police incidents recorded for this, so if he steps out of line do call them to get it logged. After this, with an order or a verbal warning not to harass you given by the police, even if he walks by your house, if you feel intimidated or harassed then this is classed as intimidation and harassment if this is how you feel.

I would call the police on 101 and discuss what you have said on your post and how this leaves you feeling harassed – so it is logged, and they might be able to give you some advice.

You have two choices really don’t you when it comes to participating in these groups, either attend anyway or leave and find something else. I imagine you would be pretty safe to attend these groups as long as others are around; like you say, he has a public image and then how he behaves when he is with you. I had to attend a few things like assemblies etc when he went, first few were incredibly stressful, but after this it got a little easier. I made sure I always went with a friend who was fully aware of my difficulty which helped no end.

[cakepops]

Thanks 🙂

No – he’s not breaking the law, he seems to be a master of staying just inside of what is legal. For example, I spoke to the local DV police team and was told that his level of emailing is inappropriate but not enough to be deemed harassment yet (especially because they are all written nicely even thought he they are full of accusations).

I can’t give specifics about the organisation, but it is something that has an element of control over my life. So the level of involvement he now has in it will mean he is able to further control me/our children. I know that if I raised this as a concern I’d just be laughed at though as he is perfectly entitled to be involved.

[Bettertimesahead]

Hi Cake
I can relate to those feelings. My husband has started posting about how he is tackling his alcohol addiction and through comments suggesting it’s for me. It has really triggered me as despite me filing for divorce and having no contact for months he’s obviously not accepted that it’s over and that scares me. I avoid places he might be and that makes me angry as it’s like he can still control things. The thought of bumping into him scares me which is odd as actually when we were together he didn’t scare me like that, I was on eggshells trying to appease him to avoid arguments,it was never physical but emotionally very difficult.

[Watersprite]

I’m just sending hugs and saying it’s HIM not you and you are not alone it’s all stressful and today for me a bit too much. Mine has acted criminally against me and others and now stalks and acts just within the law impossible. The advice is to keep logging and reporting but they are too clever – look after yourself too x*x

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