Is abuse a Learnt behaviour?

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Flowerchild Flowerchild 1 month ago.

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  • #66836
    Profile photo of Bubblegum Bubblegum 
    Participant

    Hi.Is abuse a learnt behaviour ? My Ex husband was definitely abusive he ticked all boxes .In early years as he had been in the military he put his behaviour down to that and that is what carried him with me his excuses for his behaviour.His parents I got on well with them at time .Although my Ex husband did not have the best relationship with his mother he treated quite badly .Over later years I started to pick up on things his mum What I’ve learnt now was a typical (removed by moderator).We fell out few years back due to her Then unbearable behaviour but typical of her she turned her behaviour all in me playing victim.His dad was more whiter but on couple occasions over years you could see he had a temper very old school .Recently my Ex sister the woman who go do no wrong wonderful in my Ex mothers in law eyes .Lost her job due to her bullying behaviour (removed by moderator) traits and this was made very public .So for my Ex husband and his sister to have these traits did they pick it up from there parents as there mother was definitely another (removed by moderator). From anyone’s experience when people treat you badly for what ever reason .Can they always get away with it or not ?

  • #66844
    Profile photo of Flowerchild Flowerchild 
    Participant

    I think an awful lot of it is learned by example, Bubblegum. When we are small, our family is our world and absorb scripts for relationships. You could almost look at it as choreography.

    But what is learned can be unlearned, of people want to change. The change WE need most, I think, is to stop looking at how abusers got that way and focus instead on ourselves and how it impacts on us. Even if you knew for sure why your ex behaved as he did, it woukdn’t make it any easier to endure and it certainly wouldn’t make it OK.

    It’s useful to understand how to help our own children not to go that way, perhaps, but if it leads to us minimising or tolerating treatment we don’t deserve, it can trap us into staying. Abusers count on that. Mine had a father and a brother both cut from the same cloth, but my son has broken the pattern!

    Flower x

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