Is abuse learned behaviour?

[queenmaeve]

I can’t understand what made me ex so abusive, his Father was a wonderful man.
Is it always learned behaviour with them or can they just be nasty people? I just don’t understand?

[fizzylem]

Spoilt children often become entitled adults.

Learned behaviour yes, if the parent reacts from his/her anger / does not deal with anger in a healthy, non-violent way then so will the child. If the parent doesn’t teach / show respect or teaches disrespect.

Selfish people driven by their own selfish motives, those who have no emotional intellgence – react from their emotions instead of responding to the self and the world. I want, me, me, me. E.g. feels jealous and instead of giggling and owning I feel a bit jealous and moving on might feel jelous and expect you to do something to change this feeling – you’re making me jealous – you need to stop what you’re doing, behave in a way that suits me.

Low self esteem can feel controlling if you are on the recieving end, e.g. no I don’t want to go there, do that, see them, I want you to stay in with me etc – gets v tiring if one person wants it all his or her own way huh – won’t offer or be giving.

My abuser was a sadist – he got off on causing hurt and pain, punished me. It’s always about ‘winning’ for him, if he thinks he’s won, is winning, is on top then I dont usually have a problem with him, he likes to think I’m suffering, but if he percieves me as rising he will do anything within his power to try and squash me again.

Personality types and traits, e.g. psychopathic tendancies, narcisistic traits…very little chance of growth and change here.

Trauma in childhood.

I think you could basically put all abusers into the selfish and lacking in emotional maturity category; don’t think you’d get an abuser who is emotionally intelligent or selfless, considerate of others.

[lover of no contact]

My father was also a wonderful man but my brother adopted the abuser ways to deal with life. He copied my abuser mum. I chose my dad’s ways. My ex is an abuser but luckily my son chose not to adopt his abusive ways. We all have a choice in how to conduct ourselves and we can’t blame our upbringing.

[fizzylem]

Yeah control freaks basically feel ill-equipped for the world underneath, possibly after having everything done for them by others, trauma can cause this as well though, if you have everything done for you (if you are never shown) then you miss out on learning valuable life skills, this can occur after getting your own way with stuff or through neglect of a different kind, when a parent responds to what the child wants and fails to give him/her what it is he/she really needs; they try to control everything to prevent incoming and stress but take it to the next level, live this, usually believe that they do control what happens / are always right / that I cant be wrong because I’ve got this far and it seems to work – I’m in charge! Which is utterly delusional – they do this to try to avoid feelings of inadequacy or feeling unable to cope and blame others for it and everything – sounds familiar huh. It was/is always my fault apparently lol – still is.

It takes such a long time to recover from abuse flower, it really does rob life doesn’t it, feel so strongly that we all need much more protections available to us and the help to start again before we end domestic abuse.

You will get there, the human spirit is alive in all of us and rarely stays broken for long, just keep chipping away and giving yourself whatever it is you need. I think the key is self awareness, as this arms us and leaves us stronger, wiser more resiliant – also getting the life you want – the home you live, the friends you like, the job you like etc. Keep going and if you need to curl up and shut the world out for a bit then do; once you turn a few corners the good news is that there is never any going back – only onwards! x

[queenmaeve]

Fizzylem, I totally agree with you. He was spoilt as a child and was a complete control freak. It may have been a long time ago but I’m still suffering from my nerves and poor sleep. I must have read every book going on DA but am still a shadow of my former self x

[Getmylifeback]

My husband’s fathe7r treated his mum the same way, she has told me this as has his brother but my husband still says she say was selfish b.tch for leaving his father and it screwed him up.

[lover of no contact]

Father and son sound like abusers. Mum was abused. Father abused mum and son (your husband) nasty about and to his mum. Son copied father. And son then horrible to his intimate partner. Father and son engaging in victim-blaming of the mum (all abusers do this). It’s great the mum escaped her husband and son.

That’s my take on it..

[maddog]

I think that possibly abuse, per se isn’t learned. I think it can be a coping mechanism which works for them from a very young age. So many abusers show the behaviour of toddlers in their entitlement and lack of understanding of other people. Because this way of coping has been ingrained since childhood, the abuser is unable to see another way of living. Maybe it is a way of coping with the world rather than copying behaviour?

I know my ex’s parents didn’t listen to him and that their expectations of him were high. They let him roam free without boundaries. Apart from to obey them. I believe it was all very conditional. He believes his upbringing was normal.

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