Is anxious complaining abuse?

[litanies]

I have OCD, and sometimes I get hung up on a work or health issue. I might comment on it, bounce ideas around, or update my partner on it throughout the day. At some point, I will notice he is getting quiet and terse. I’m obviously annoying him (and I get why this may be annoying, although I don’t imagine someone else doing it would annoy me), but we live in one room and if he wasn’t there, I’d be talking non-stop to myself to work through the problem. It’s hard not to talk about it at intervals. And by the time he is blowing me off, I am p****d at him for blowing me off.

Anyway, at a hard-to-predict point, he will explode with rage the next time I mention whatever it is, and then a fairly typical set of events ensues (verbal and emotional nastiness from him, sometimes escalating to suicide threats). He says it is my fault, and that I am the one abusing him.

Am I? I feel like he is unsupportive. But he does have a right not to be included in any specific conversation (even when that is asinine), and I feel like I am removing that right by trying to talk to him.

[Darcy]

Hi my beautiful Angel … litanies,
If you are with a man that you feel you cannot be 100% yourself with then the relationship is not right anymore.
It’s clearly part of you that you like to focus in on subjects and that’s either for your partner to listen and support you or for you to find someone that does.
If you aren’t agreeing on everyday things, think how it would be if serious problems got brought up for conversation like illness, unemployment or death.
You should be with someone who accepts you whole heartedly and should never be apologising for who you are.
Remember love is kind and caring and compassionate
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[litanies]

Hi Darcy,

Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words.

He’s actually been largely solid through unemployment and the tough stuff, which is why we were/are together. And he’s my dependent, with zero other support/safety out there, so the situation is complicated.

Basically (as I am sure is said a lot around here), I have reasons not to break off the relationship. I just want to make sure I am not behaving abusively within it, and I’m still trying to figure out if I may be the primary aggressor. I think I am the survivor, but I just don’t know 🙁

[Darcy]

If you really are uncertain you need to set out some boundaries and requirements for both yourself and him, when these are not being met by either yourself or him it is time to questions why … are you allowing bad behaviour or are you behaving badly because your needs aren’t being met and you are acting out?
Regardless of who is right or wrong, if a relationship is not healthy and has become toxic, it needs to be addressed for both parties sake.
Please do not stay in a relationship where you feel physically or mentally unsafe
D xx

[Author]

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