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It’s on this week, 2 episodes in now.
I was a bit disappointed last night when they introduced a great big bruise, as it was pure classic gaslighting up until then.
It was actually a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. Gaslighting is typically described as “crazy-making”, making you doubt what you know to be true, generally by doing things like telling you you’re imagining something, or that something that you know to be true (eg where you left something) isn’t (eg by moving/hiding it).
But actually, on further research and contemplating, gaslighting is a denial of your reality by whatever means. This is what happened to me constantly, and what I really grappled with. So in the programme, she was asking him something quite innocent and he said “why do you always have to do this? Why do you always have to read something into it that isn’t there?”
I suddenly realised that this is what happened to me all the time. I would always be made to feel that I was making such a big deal out of things. What’s the problem? Since leaving, I know that I have the right to have a say in decisions that concern me, but while I was there, I would try to stand up for myself and have my voice heard when I was ignored, and I’d be frowned at like I was just a nuisance. The reality was that I had a right to be heard and that reality was being denied. Not just the being heard, but the fact that I had a right to be.
It made me feel unreasonable, stupid, useless, intolerable. Mad. It was gaslighting and it was abuse.As I say, what a shame that there has to be a thud, a squeal, and a bruise. It was doing so well before that in showing pure psychological abuse.
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Same with me! Never fails to amaze me how similar all our experiences are. I agree with you as well. Of course that is an important side of the portrayal of abuse but it doesn’t always happen, like you I get frustrated with it because it immediately sets you apart from your actual reality. I think this is why it took me so long to understand it was abuse, I kept on saying but he doesn’t hit me.
I haven’t watched it but I’ll look it up, thx for the heads up. X -
Hi Lottieblue
I haven’t seen that programme yet but just wanted to say I can relate massively to what you’ve said re gaslighting. I used to get very similar – stuff like “why do you always do this?” And I’d be constantly questioning myself on whether I’d been unreasonable or said the wrong thing. The main one I got all the time for years was “ are you doubting me?” (When I called him out on stuff that made no sense or was a blatant lie) – I always replied “yes, I am doubting you because your version of events doesn’t stack up”… he’d then go mental, kicking things, punching the wall, screaming in my face …. So that I doubted myself. Utterly toxic .
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100% that.
its liking making someone look the other way in any way they can. whilst you’re busy looking at the car crash theyre saying anything possible to distract and deny and obfiscate. Like ‘quick, look over there’.
Ive seen some of the show you watched, but find it too painful to watch, and having been through it and spoken to so many others who’s experiences are so very similar, its become very predictable.
I think services should be watching, so they can see through whats presented on the outside, and see who’s really doing the suffering.
Its so true that the woman ends up blaming herself and taking tablets, just because she’s ‘paranoid’ because she knows that something’s wrong, and that the problem is him, not her! Very sad so many women suffer at the hands of such manipulators. its impossible to understand these mentalities, how they sleep at night.
Its of greater importance to know that you are above that, and even if you got drawn in a bit, can now step back and see what level he’s working at and that you’re the honest and believing one, not seeking to harm and deceive others.
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