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I have been out for nearly (detail removed by moderator) now but he is still in my heart and head.We have children together and the ‘zero contact’ strategy did not work as his mother did not want to be the third party anymore cause she is generally not interested in her grandchildren.Hence I have to arrange child contact. Once I unblock him the harassment starts.At the moment it is ‘nice words’ but it is still too much and very confusing.He is trying to get me back…with words and reminders of the ‘good’ times we had.Anyway, (detail removed by moderator) he said if he had cheated on me, he would have understood why I left but that’s just such a stupid thing to say.I think abuse is worse than cheating and has got long term effects.I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and PTSD.Yes if he would have cheated, it would have been painful but I could have moved on from the relationship quicker and easier.Plus he would have been the ‘bad’ one whereas now his family view me as the bad one and cut all ties with me and the kids.His mother didn’t even say ‘merry Xmas’ to her grandchildren and didn’t have a present for them…nothing. I was meant to go abroad to see my family yesterday but I couldn’t because of Covid and it is a very lonely place to be.He is trying his hardest to get back in my head and it is draining having to keep rejecting him.I can’t believe we are in this position a (detail removed by moderator) on….
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For abusers cheating is just another form of abuse and it wouldn’t surprise me if he had also cheated on you. Remember they are liars. Minimise all contact. Use an old phone for him only and switch it off when he doesn’t have the kids. You cannot be responsible for the behaviour of his family and it says much more about them than it does about you 💕
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I’m still trying to understand their behaviour so probably not the best to give advice. But all I can say is that I can relate to this so much. I have only fairly recently got out and share a child with him also. It’s so hard not to long for them when they are being “nice”
When he’s nasty it’s so much easier but then he sends those really “nice texts” telling me how much he loves me. He’s not a bad person. How we can save our marriage, it’s not like he cheated, or is addicted to alcohol or drugs, or gambles with our money. It really does make you question everything. Maybe he is not a bad person? Maybe I am over reacting? There is nothing wrong with him.
I think they say it to us so they can manipulate us in thinking that they are good people. Make us feel bad for leaving them. Putting the blame on to us. Maybe they are trying to convince themselves they are good? I really don’t know what goes on in their heads.
He has said on numerous occasions now that I’m the one who walked out and least he can sleep at night knowing he didn’t break up our family. I know he’s painted a picture of him being the victim – I’m the crazy one walking out over “an argument”
Like you, I wish he did cheat. It would of been so much easier. In my opinion abuse is so much worse. It eats you up slowly until you are a shell of a person – I have never felt so low and worthless in my whole life.
Please don’t let his family get to you. He’s probably manipulated them. You can get through this!! You have done so well to have stayed out for so long, especially with your family being so far away.
There of course will be bad days, but think how far you have come. How much free you are compared to what you would have been with him. You are not alone. We are here. Big hugs to you xx
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Hi neueranfang,
Cheating can be devastating if you find out about it whilst you are still with the person who is cheating on you and you are still in love with them and care about them, and if they carry on cheating and don’t care about how it is affecting you then it is emotionally abusive. The thing is, most people understand ‘cheating’ but don’t understand domestic abuse.
Ask yourself why you would have found it easier to move on from him if he was being unfaithful to you instead of being cruel, manipulative, unkind, dismissive, controlling, possibly violent at times? Why is it different?
The fact that he only accepts ‘cheating’ as an understandable reason for a relationship to end shows how immature and ignorant he is about what makes a relationship equal and healthy. He may be being nice to you now but he clearly hasn’t learned one thing about relationships since you’ve been gone, so if you went back to him nothing would be different in the long run. Your honeymoon period may last a month and then you’d have the man back that you left.
Have you considered a parenting app for the child contact arrangements? If you don’t want him sending you loving or nostalgic messages via text or email in between sorting out the child stuff then it could be an idea for you to try as the apps can be monitored with permission from either of you so that the messages can be used to show authorities if they are reasonable or not. If he knows they are monitored he may be less inclined to say the things he is saying at the moment. You can then block his number and email address.
If all of your family live in another country and you are alone in the UK then private message me as I have some information of a group that may be able to help you with some support.
xx
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If he did cheat, he’d have hidden it, gaslighted you into thinking it was your fault somehow, manipulated you into giving him another chance, promised you the world and begged for your forgiveness- so please don’t beat yourself up thinking cheating would’ve been easier because it’s unlikely it would’ve. Truth is this man has abused you, you know it, he knows it (but will never admit it) and he mum sounds like she has similar traits. Abuse is kind of like cheating anyway, they sold us one version of themselves and delivered another. It’s hard isn’t it when we’re made out to be the bad guy but you know the truth, ppl that love you and matter will trust you, at the end of it all you don’t need the negative ppl in your life, rise above the MIL (that’s in your control) and praise yourself for getting out and not going back x
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Hiya. What he is doing at the moment is ‘hoovering’ and it’s a very typical part of the abuse cycle. If you Google ‘Melanie Tonia Evans Hoovering’ you’ll see she has a very informative blog all about this. It’s worth a read because once we understand what they’re up to we’re much more resilient to it and less likely to go back.
Take care.
GR
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